Loose Canon Submissions - The Old Pastament

Submit your scriptural writings for inclusion in the Loose Canon, and your tales of ancient FSM Lore, as well as any other FSM-related writing you may have.

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Skeptical Skepticism
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Re: Loose Canon Submissions - The Old Pastament

Postby Skeptical Skepticism » Wed Jan 11, 2017 9:57 am

I like that part 2! :love: Cap'n Shivermetimbers approves.

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Re: Loose Canon Submissions - The Old Pastament

Postby DaveL » Thu Jan 12, 2017 5:54 am

There's nothing better than a good Midget tale. Cute, cuddly (arguably bald) and HIS most venerable subjects.

PBTHNA indeed!
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Re: Loose Canon Submissions - The Old Pastament

Postby StayThirstyMyAguila » Thu Jan 12, 2017 9:06 am

Hold on, the lawyer in me needs to say something (in none other than fine print, of course!):
Skeptical Skepticism wrote:Cap'n Shivermetimbers' Treatise on the Universe and Prophetic Warning

The Composition of the Universe

1 It has been well established by us all, that the FSM keeps us all on Earth, and that all the universe is held together by his noodly appendages. 2 But we must address what it is that we are made of.

3 In the Beginning, he created the Universe in his great drunkenness, and thus we are here, and celebrate by drinking beer. 4 I now know, through revelation from his Noodliness, that the Universe is made of Pasta ingredients. 5 We live all on great meatballs, that he is currently cooking around the great burners in the sky, our stars. 6 What we think of as lava is just hot Pasta sauce. The stuff we call water, is indeed the grease he cooks the meatballs in.

What This Means

1 Through divine revelation, I now know what this means.

2 His Great Noodly Appendage is making a giant meal of Spaghetti and Meatballs, just for us. 3 When we go to Heaven he will have it all ready, with meatballs the size of literal planets, 4 and the Noodles being prepared for us in the semblance of Noodle theory 5 (like String Theory, but tastier, and with more pasta).

6 But we must be careful. We are now in a dangerous time.

The Warning

1 We can now see what we have done, in breeding like jack rabbits on Kolaloka lemonade.

2 There are now so many of us, that his noodly appendage doesn't have enough appendages to keep us on Earth. 3 The nasty naysayers are now going into the great, cast iron, black, frying pan beyond our meatball (Earth).

4 We saw the side affects of this long ago, when we all started getting taller. 5 This is why I have deduced that the most blessed land is China, where they are short, 6 and thus it means this is the place where he has the most noodly appendages.

7 We have also defiled his prophets! 8 We are running out of the great Pirates, and need more! 9 For now the great warming has started. The FSM accidentally has turned up the heat on cosmic oven, 10 and his pirates are not here to stop it. 11 We must adorn our Pirate regalia, and ARRGGGHHH for him to turn down the heat. 12 We have one group already on this, in the land of Somalia.

13 Do not ye, be led astray. For these are the signs of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. Adorn your garbs, and eat Spaghetti, 14 and then the meatball burning shall subside.

The above writing is the sole property of Skeptical Skepticism, and may not, as a whole or in part, be replicated, reproduced, reiterated, refurbished, and/or redistributed without explicit written permission from the author, that permission being explicitly directed and/or addressed by name solely to the person wishing to replicate, reproduce, reiterate, refurbish, and/or redistribute it, and such permissions to one person, stated, addressed, and/or directed towards that one person by the author, do not in any way condole or consent to the replication, reproduction, reiteration, refurbishing, and/or redistribution of the text, in whole or in part, by anyone other than the person being explicitly addressed.
StayThirstyMyAguila wrote:If I may:
(Possibly) Cap'n Shivermetimbers' Treatise on the Universe and Prophetic Warning, Section Two

The Path We Must Seek

  1. As the times changed, people changed too, and their ideas and customs must also change.
  2. And while wallowing in my grief, I think He, in His great drunkenness, realized a ray of hope and didst choose to shine it upon me.
  3. And so I didst put pieces to pieces, until my puzzle was as complete and enlightening as a mortal can piece it together.
  4. And I doth realize that in the early days, the Midgets and Midgits didst created vessels for sailing the Seven Seas.

  5. And as their ships grew, so they need be of growth too, and their logs became not logs but logs without center.
  6. And then they came to be not center-less logs, but logs lashed together to form rafts.
  7. And then were their clumsy oars evolved to scoop the wind, and the sail was born.
  8. And still, ships, both great and small, have been changed, for the better and for the worse,
  9. and so we must change too,
  10. for the tide shifts beneath us, and fighting the tide will perhaps bring us success, but leave us weary and hungry and all the worse for it.
  11. And so also, as the ships grew, so did the pirates to command them.
  12. And the far reaches of their ships grew with them.
  13. And so they must grow if His appendages shouldst fail to keep us upon the Earth.

  14. Think not that these new ships must be vile, for they be but the next part of our great endeavours.
  15. Endeavours to find new lands to liberate
  16. (or as dissenters say, "pillage and plunder"),
  17. and this hunger be driven by His will.

  18. But keep your wits, by-cause He wills some thing or event does not, simply put, mean it should be made to be so.
  19. Even He hath acknowledged such.

  20. And so by His will, and by necessity, we must go forth and voyage across this new expanse, and adapt
  21. as required of the Midgets and Midgits of times long past and much forgotten.
  22. And shouldst our swords die, by-cause that we embrace them too tightly
  23. and refuse them the adaption of our ships
  24. then we may yet be lost.
  25. So venture forth, and remember that shouldst thy blade hunger to become a saber of light,
  26. then embrace it still, and ne'er keep it from it's growth
  27. as a mother bird keeping its baby from flight.
  28. And we must embrace this new expanse He hath so long forbidden us from
  29. with open arms, bare blades, and hungry wallets.

  30. R'Amen, and PBTHNA (Praise Be To His Noodly Appendages).

The above writing is the sole property of StayThirstyMyAguila, and may not, as a whole or in part, be replicated, reproduced, reiterated, refurbished, and/or redistributed without explicit written permission from the author, that permission being explicitly directed and/or addressed by name solely to the person wishing to replicate, reproduce, reiterate, refurbish, and/or redistribute it, and such permissions to one person, stated, addressed, and/or directed towards that one person by the author, do not in any way condole or consent to the replication, reproduction, reiteration, refurbishing, and/or redistribution of the text, in whole or in part, by anyone other than the person being explicitly addressed.
Okay, I feel better now. I was always told I'd make a good lawyer, although usually not in a good way . . .
DaveL wrote:There's nothing better than a good Midget tale. Cute, cuddly (arguably bald) and HIS most venerable subjects.

PBTHNA indeed!

Thanks, I love a good Midget/Midgit story too!

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Re: Loose Canon Submissions - The Old Pastament

Postby DaveL » Thu Jan 12, 2017 3:54 pm

The above writing is the sole property of StayThirstyMyAguila, and may not, as a whole or in part, be replicated, reproduced, reiterated, refurbished, and/or redistributed without explicit written permission from the author, that permission being explicitly directed and/or addressed by name solely to the person wishing to replicate, reproduce, reiterate, refurbish, and/or redistribute it, and such permissions to one person, stated, addressed, and/or directed towards that one person by the author, do not in any way condole or consent to the replication, reproduction, reiteration, refurbishing, and/or redistribution of the text, in whole or in part, by anyone other than the person being explicitly addressed.
Okay, I feel better now. I was always told I'd make a good lawyer, although usually not in a good way . . .


Or put a different cover on it and claim authorship. :zen:
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Re: Loose Canon Submissions - The Old Pastament

Postby StayThirstyMyAguila » Thu Jan 12, 2017 4:29 pm

That would require refurbishment, reiteration (in part), replication, reproduction, and, unless they want to just stare at a copy with their name on it, redistribution.

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Re: Loose Canon Submissions - The Old Pastament

Postby Nef Yoo BlackBeard » Thu Jan 12, 2017 7:35 pm

rrrrr r
ye godda r r r r r rr
rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
:welcome: :welcome: :welcome:
trrroll trrroll trrroll
cabin boy fir hyer. jyint hat no hextra charj.

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Re: Loose Canon Submissions - The Old Pastament

Postby Monobaz » Mon Feb 20, 2017 2:48 am

Skeptical Skepticism wrote:I like that part 2! :love: Cap'n Shivermetimbers approves.


Just another Urk tale.
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Re: Loose Canon Submissions - The Old Pastament

Postby 'Murican Bald Eagle » Tue Feb 21, 2017 5:37 am

Wot wood yew no red sparrow. No Urks here, not wun, so there, aaaagghh!

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Re: Loose Canon Submissions - The Old Pastament

Postby StayThirstyMyAguila » Wed Feb 22, 2017 9:45 am

I'd like to see you write something for once, tweety burd.

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Re: Loose Canon Submissions - The Old Pastament

Postby Nef Yoo BlackBeard » Wed Feb 22, 2017 3:48 pm

StaySteelingCanons wrote:I'd like to write something for once, tweety burd , sumfing i dint steel
cabin boy fir hyer. jyint hat no hextra charj.

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Re: Loose Canon Submissions - The Old Pastament

Postby StayThirstyMyAguila » Wed Feb 22, 2017 4:00 pm

Tha' goes fu' yoo doo, Nef 'oo!

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Re: Loose Canon Submissions - The Old Pastament

Postby Nef Yoo BlackBeard » Wed Feb 22, 2017 4:09 pm

StayTrolling wrote:Tha' goes fu' yoo doo, Nef 'oo!


:fsm_rock: :fsm_rock: :fsm_rock:

i inna Loose Canon haha

YE NOT

HAHA HA !
:zen: :haha: :drinking: :lech: :moon:
cabin boy fir hyer. jyint hat no hextra charj.


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