Loose Canon Submissions - The Old Pastament

Submit your scriptural writings for inclusion in the Loose Canon, and your tales of ancient FSM Lore, as well as any other FSM-related writing you may have.

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Cardinal Fang
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Re: Loose Canon Submissions - The Old Pastament

Postby Cardinal Fang » Tue Dec 27, 2016 2:11 pm

Perhaps not in it's current form.

Maybe if I get time (time? what time?) I'll rewrite it more in keeping with the tone of the Loose Cannon

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Re: Loose Canon Submissions - The Old Pastament

Postby buttlicking22 » Thu Jan 05, 2017 11:01 pm

Platypus Enthusiast wrote:Captains

As transcribed by Aba Sababa, posted by PE

For three years, the Great Pirate Solomon waited for the famed Queen Semolina to come hither, and pay her whole-wheat respects to his Beardliness. The Great Pirate Solomon had grown weary of the tender caresses of his local breast collection. He longed for something exotic, something royal, something with a hint of tarragon, perhaps. Legends abound over the beauty of Queen Semolina, and there have been rumors floating around the court that Jeff the Naked Guy was ordered to don a mask with the Queen’s likeness, that the Great Pirate Solomon might experience but a taste of the pleasures soon to come. Jeff neither confirms nor denies these rumors.

Of course, the real reason that the Great Pirate Solomon wanted to meet Queen Semolina was because he loved fiddles. As the Great Pirate Solomon, he was the mightiest fiddler in the land. The Great Pirate Solomon prided himself on having never lost a fiddle-off. Normally, there would be detractors muttering under their breath that blah, blah, he’s not actually that great and just really murders everyone else who’s better which is why the basilica scene is so beat right now, but these people were recently executed en masse on account of their shitty taste in un-Piratey music, as per royal decree from his Bearded Excellence.

In any case, the Great Pirate Solomon, like all men named Solomon, really wanted to assert his general dominance over the citizens of the world. Word had it that Queen Semolina was a very talented fiddler, and the Great Pirate Solomon itched for a chance to slay her in public and accept his obligatory victor’s blowjob in the city commons.

One day, the Great Pirate Solomon received word that Queen Semolina was indeed coming, and that she was packin’ catgut. The Great Pirate Solomon became very excited. He immediately called the Devil, and they had themselves a horn-tootin’ hootnanny to prepare the Great Pirate Solomon for his Great Pirate Fiddle-Off. The Great Pirate Solomon made sure to inform Jeff the Naked Guy that he would like his pubes shaved precisely a single hour before the arrival of Queen Semolina, for maximum baby-smooth softness. “You can’t appear before your kingdom with hairy balls,” said the Great Pirate Solomon to Jeff, who duly noted the quip in his “For When I Become a Great Pirate” notebook.

The day finally arrived, and all the people gathered from afar to watch the biblical battle between the Great Pirate Solomon and Queen Semolina. The smart money was on the Great Pirate Solomon, but I know a guy who’ll give you excellent odds on Semolina. See me after the story, yeah?

All eyes were on Semolina’s tent as she emerged, tits ablaze. This was one funky mother. “One hundred percent Durum, baby!” she exclaimed. “You ready for this shit, big boy?”

“As ready as I’ll ever be,” replied the Great Pirate Solomon.

“Good. Have at you!”

And off they went. They fiddled for hours. Hours turned into days, and days into weeks. The people were riveted until supper. It turns out there are only so many times you can fucking square dance to fucking fiddle tunes before you want to punch your wife in the jaw. It wasn’t helping that some douchebag cracked one about how we should all put a roof underneath the Great Pirate Solomon and Queen Semolina, and that particular outburst had the whole province in stitches for at least thirty minutes while you could barely even bend down and re-tie your sandals.

But I digress! The Great Pirate Solomon did not intend to lose his first fiddle battle to a woman, no matter how excruciatingly perfect her breasts may have been. And Queen Semolina refused to secede to a man, a pirate, a Great Pirate! especially one that clearly hadn’t showered in a fortnight. So the battle raged on, and on, until one day Jeff the Naked guy dropped dead and the Great Pirate Solomon froze in shock. He had forgotten to turn Jeff off since his last conjugal visit. The Queen Semolina mask was still taped on to his face. The Great Pirate Solomon wept for forty days and forty nights, and we’re not quite sure what the “Jeff is dead” to “I just lost my first fiddle battle” weep ratio was. Queen Semolina promptly returned to her native land to great aplomb, bearing the emasculation and utter defeat of the Great Pirate Solomon.


Where can I find Aba Sababa?

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Re: Loose Canon Submissions - The Old Pastament

Postby Nef Yoo BlackBeard » Thu Jan 05, 2017 11:09 pm

buttlicking22 wrote:.................

Where can I find Aba Sababa?


:moon: :moon: :moon:
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Re: Loose Canon Submissions - The Old Pastament

Postby DaveL » Thu Jan 05, 2017 11:09 pm

We won't be forwarding any details to you Eric.

Best write your own scriptures.
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Re: Loose Canon Submissions - The Old Pastament

Postby buttlicking22 » Thu Jan 05, 2017 11:14 pm

DaveL wrote:We won't be forwarding any details to you Eric.

Best write your own scriptures.


Eric Whitfield didn't publish Book of Midgets in the Loose Canon. You don't have anything to worry about.

It is the other 16 authors that I am trying to protect. You are safe.

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Re: Loose Canon Submissions - The Old Pastament

Postby DaveL » Thu Jan 05, 2017 11:27 pm

But as a member of the Olive Garden and Admin, I (along with others) have been tasked with protecting the integrity of the Loose Canon in it's entirety. We will not endorse third party attempts to cherry pick select works for the benefit of others, with what appear to be questionable motives. We will therefore not be assisting you or Eric Whitfield in any way - are we clear?

His previous attempts to do so have falllen flat and will do so again, if this is the path he (and you) wish to take.

If you are truly concerned about the integrity of Loose Canon, then perhaps you can forward us the name of Eric Whitfields intended publisher, so that we can notify them about plagiarism issues.

Please do not canvass members of the forum regarding the contact details of others - are we clear?
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Re: Loose Canon Submissions - The Old Pastament

Postby buttlicking22 » Thu Jan 05, 2017 11:38 pm

DaveL wrote:But as a member of the Olive Garden, I (along with others) have been tasked with protecting the integrity of the Loose Canon in it's entirety. We will not endorse third party attempts to cherry pick select works for the benefit of others, with what appear to be questionable motives. We will therefore not be assisting you or Eric Whitfield in any way - are we clear?

His previous attempts to do so have falllen flat and will do so again, if this is the path he (and you) wish to take.

If you are truly concerned about the integrity of Loose Canon, then perhaps you can forward us the name of Eric Whitfields intended publisher, so that we can notify them about plagiarism issues.

Please do not canvass members of the forum regarding the contact details of others - are we clear?


Eric Whitfield is extremely easy to contact. He didn't tell me who he intended to use as a publisher. Probably Create Space or Lulu. I'm not sure.

Should we just ignore him and let him do it?

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Re: Loose Canon Submissions - The Old Pastament

Postby Nef Yoo BlackBeard » Fri Jan 06, 2017 1:30 am

buttlicking22 wrote:............................

Should we just ignore him and let him do it?



Nope Stinky BumBum Evilangelist Errik , :moon:
cabin boy fir hyer. jyint hat no hextra charj.

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Re: Loose Canon Submissions - The Old Pastament

Postby StayThirstyMyAguila » Sat Jan 07, 2017 3:39 pm

I think i might be able to help with Erik's (Eric? I don't know, I've seen it both ways) publisher. Just search, "make hardcover book online". Most sites that pop up also automatically publish the books you submit, even if it is for private use. Contact them, let them know that someone may be trying to plagiarize the Loose Canon, and from there it will be relatively simple to add tracts of the Loose Canon to their spam filters (if they have any) or to set up a makeshift spam filter for it. If they refuse to do so (and to check, you can always test their filters for them ), just remember: It's amazing where the threat of a lawsuit can get you . . .
P.S.: I know about these sites because I wanted to print a copy FOR MYSELF, PRIVATELY, AND FOR NO ONE ELSE in hardcover because hey,
Not much feels better than a nice, firm book cover, amiright? :lech:

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Re: Loose Canon Submissions - The Old Pastament

Postby Nef Yoo BlackBeard » Sat Jan 07, 2017 5:18 pm

um um um

i gunna mayk mines owtta wale skin :lurk: rrrr

yup! :lurk:

gunna kaych mowbee dik in me skiff :drinking: :lurk:

an i gunna poot gold all onna cover an stuff :zen: rrrr

i gunna dug hup alla gold frum tha beech !

rrr may b i fine sum purls an shiny roks ! rrrr :zen:
cabin boy fir hyer. jyint hat no hextra charj.

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Re: Loose Canon Submissions - The Old Pastament

Postby StayThirstyMyAguila » Mon Jan 09, 2017 3:36 pm

I know you want to Nef Yoo, but sadly, most of the sites don't even have leather as an option. I don't think they even have whale skin. :cry:
I hope you find a way . . .

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Re: Loose Canon Submissions - The Old Pastament

Postby Nef Yoo BlackBeard » Mon Jan 09, 2017 3:47 pm

um um um

i gunna mayk mines owtta wale skin :lurk: rrrr

yup! :lurk:

gunna kaych mowbee dik in me skiff :drinking: :lurk:

an i gunna poot gold all onna cover an stuff :zen: rrrr

i gunna dug hup alla gold frum tha beech !

rrr may b i fine sum purls an shiny roks ! rrrr :zen:
cabin boy fir hyer. jyint hat no hextra charj.

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Re: Loose Canon Submissions - The Old Pastament

Postby StayThirstyMyAguila » Mon Jan 09, 2017 7:37 pm

What the . . .
According to my time stamps, Nef Yoo posted at roughly 4:00, then I posted, then, on the same day, Nef Yoo posted at roughly 2:00 :confused: .

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Re: Loose Canon Submissions - The Old Pastament

Postby Skeptical Skepticism » Tue Jan 10, 2017 6:50 pm

Cap'n Shivermetimbers' Treatise on the Universe and Prophetic Warning

The Composition of the Universe

1 It has been well established by us all, that the FSM keeps us all on Earth, and that all the universe is held together by his noodly appendages. 2 But we must address what it is that we are made of.

3 In the Beginning, he created the Universe in his great drunkenness, and thus we are here, and celebrate by drinking beer. 4 I now know, through revelation from his Noodliness, that the Universe is made of Pasta ingredients. 5 We live all on great meatballs, that he is currently cooking around the great burners in the sky, our stars. 6 What we think of as lava is just hot Pasta sauce. The stuff we call water, is indeed the grease he cooks the meatballs in.

What This Means

1 Through divine revelation, I now know what this means.

2 His Great Noodly Appendage is making a giant meal of Spaghetti and Meatballs, just for us. 3 When we go to Heaven he will have it all ready, with meatballs the size of literal planets, 4 and the Noodles being prepared for us in the semblance of Noodle theory 5 (like String Theory, but tastier, and with more pasta).

6 But we must be careful. We are now in a dangerous time.

The Warning

1 We can now see what we have done, in breeding like jack rabbits on Kolaloka lemonade.

2 There are now so many of us, that his noodly appendage doesn't have enough appendages to keep us on Earth. 3 The nasty naysayers are now going into the great, cast iron, black, frying pan beyond our meatball (Earth).

4 We saw the side affects of this long ago, when we all started getting taller. 5 This is why I have deduced that the most blessed land is China, where they are short, 6 and thus it means this is the place where he has the most noodly appendages.

7 We have also defiled his prophets! 8 We are running out of the great Pirates, and need more! 9 For now the great warming has started. The FSM accidentally has turned up the heat on cosmic oven, 10 and his pirates are not here to stop it. 11 We must adorn our Pirate regalia, and ARRGGGHHH for him to turn down the heat. 12 We have one group already on this, in the land of Somalia.

13 Do not ye, be led astray. For these are the signs of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. Adorn your garbs, and eat Spaghetti, 14 and then the meatball burning shall subside.

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Re: Loose Canon Submissions - The Old Pastament

Postby StayThirstyMyAguila » Wed Jan 11, 2017 9:52 am

If I may:
(Possibly) Cap'n Shivermetimbers' Treatise on the Universe and Prophetic Warning, Section Two

The Path We Must Seek

  1. As the times changed, people changed too, and their ideas and customs must also change.
  2. And while wallowing in my grief, I think He, in His great drunkenness, realized a ray of hope and didst choose to shine it upon me.
  3. And so I didst put pieces to pieces, until my puzzle was as complete and enlightening as a mortal can piece it together.
  4. And I doth realize that in the early days, the Midgets and Midgits didst created vessels for sailing the Seven Seas.

  5. And as their ships grew, so they need be of growth too, and their logs became not logs but logs without center.
  6. And then they came to be not center-less logs, but logs lashed together to form rafts.
  7. And then were their clumsy oars evolved to scoop the wind, and the sail was born.
  8. And still, ships, both great and small, have been changed, for the better and for the worse,
  9. and so we must change too,
  10. for the tide shifts beneath us, and fighting the tide will perhaps bring us success, but leave us weary and hungry and all the worse for it.
  11. And so also, as the ships grew, so did the pirates to command them.
  12. And the far reaches of their ships grew with them.
  13. And so they must grow if His appendages shouldst fail to keep us upon the Earth.

  14. Think not that these new ships must be vile, for they be but the next part of our great endeavours.
  15. Endeavours to find new lands to liberate
  16. (or as dissenters say, "pillage and plunder"),
  17. and this hunger be driven by His will.

  18. But keep your wits, by-cause He wills some thing or event does not, simply put, mean it should be made to be so.
  19. Even He hath acknowledged such.

  20. And so by His will, and by necessity, we must go forth and voyage across this new expanse, and adapt
  21. as required of the Midgets and Midgits of times long past and much forgotten.
  22. And shouldst our swords die, by-cause that we embrace them too tightly
  23. and refuse them the adaption of our ships
  24. then we may yet be lost.
  25. So venture forth, and remember that shouldst thy blade hunger to become a saber of light,
  26. then embrace it still, and ne'er keep it from it's growth
  27. as a mother bird keeping its baby from flight.
  28. And we must embrace this new expanse He hath so long forbidden us from
  29. with open arms, bare blades, and hungry wallets.

  30. R'Amen, and PBTHNA (Praise Be To His Noodly Appendages).


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