The Brief and Pointless Records of the Pirate Council of Italia Gardens

Submit your scriptural writings for inclusion in the Loose Canon, and your tales of ancient FSM Lore, as well as any other FSM-related writing you may have.

Moderator: All Things Mods

User avatar
Skeptical Skepticism
Conchigliette Convert
Posts: 7
Joined: Fri Aug 19, 2016 2:42 pm

The Brief and Pointless Records of the Pirate Council of Italia Gardens

Postby Skeptical Skepticism » Sat Dec 31, 2016 4:58 am

These are the Brief and Pointless Records of the Pirate Council of Italia Gardens, as transcribed by Ahhoyyyth'ar from Biggus Erectus.

The Problem of Annie's Canned Spaghetti


1 And it came to pass, that on December 32, 79 CASS (Years of Copious Amounts of Spaghetti Sauce) the council of the Pirates of Italia Gardens met.

2 Unfortunately Italia Gardens was booked that night though, so they had to go to Olive Garden.

3 The council consisted of Edd (along with at least two slackers, some odd number of Partiers, and one Infallible idiot), ADoS (like two dying people who wouldn't freaking die), 4 Captain Jeff, Qwertyuiopasd, Pirate Aaahhhhrrrrr, and a couple random Apastals, who were so drunk that Mel Gibson thought they needed to clean up.

5 At the council they first sorted out who were the true Chefs of the great Church.

6 They were forced to rule out all those who tried to promote their canned Spaghetti, for that is rather gross, soggy, and not at all sexy to think about.

7 Because of this Annie's Canned Spaghetti was ruled to be rather gross.

8 At this there was a great schism between Captain Jeff and Edd. Edd liked Annie's canned Spaghetti Sauce, whereas the mere thought of it made Captain Jeff flaccid.

9 Thus they came to the agreement that Edd could eat it, as long as Captain Jeff didn't have to look at it.

10 At this everyone banged on their colanders, and then rubbed the big ring marks on their heads, especially the bald slackers.

The Coming of the Midget

1 When dinner was served, many were struck in awe to find that their Spaghetti had been served by a Midget.

2 Immediately Edd began praising the Flying Spaghetti Monster

3 "Praise his Noodly Appendage!"

4 At this the midget looked confused, and then walked away.

5 By the time the rest had come to their senses they had forgotten that they were here to discuss scripture.

6 They all ordered beers, got pissing drunk, and then Edd was briefly arrested for indecent exposure, and one of the slackers was humping a statue of Caligula for no discernible reason.

7 After this we were all thrown out of the Olive Garden, went home, and didn't remember jack from that point onward.

The Drunken "Poem" of Qwertyuiopasd

1 LSD is fun to try,

2 What happened to my French fry?

3 I went to the bathroom and saw him there,

4 the great FSM with a bear.

5 Wait what the heck? Why is he with a bear...

6 Oh its a beer.

7 So I know what he was trying to say,

8 He only had to show me this way.

9 That after Spaghetti you must drink

10 a piss ton of beer to make you think.

The Poem is Brought before the Council

1 When Qwertyuiopasd brought his drunken "poem" before the council they were stricken with amazement.

2 They then ordered 50 plates of Spaghetti and a ton of beer.

3 Then a slacker keeled over and stopped moving.

4 We think he died. But then we remembered the words of the Great Pirate Solomon. So we cleaved a donkey in half and threw half of it on the slacker for being a half assed drinker.

5 Thus we then departed, and I, the writer of this, died at sea not long after. Don't ask how I wrote this. The paradox is too complex.

User avatar
StayThirstyMyAguila
Definitely not Eric
Posts: 1272
Joined: Thu Dec 15, 2016 2:16 pm
Location: The depths of Archaide.

Re: The Brief and Pointless Records of the Pirate Council of Italia Gardens

Postby StayThirstyMyAguila » Fri Jan 06, 2017 12:44 pm

Once production of The Second Edition Of The Loose Canon picks up again, I would definitely consider submitting this. It seems that the writer was pretty touched when they wrote it. At least halfway decent, if lacking a little meat . . . meat . . . MEATBALLS!!!
Except we don't have Apastals TECHNICALLY.
I say technically because we do not yet have a messiah, thank FSM. Bobby, FSMSHS (FSM Sauce His Soul), lives on.

User avatar
Monobaz
Farfalle First Mate
Posts: 483
Joined: Thu Sep 11, 2014 3:19 am
Location: Melbourne

Re: The Brief and Pointless Records of the Pirate Council of Italia Gardens

Postby Monobaz » Mon Feb 20, 2017 3:37 am

More Urk drivel.
"There was a time when religion ruled the world. It is known as the Dark Ages." Ruth Hurmence Green

User avatar
DaveL
Site Admin
Posts: 5090
Joined: Fri Aug 26, 2005 8:57 pm
Location: Van Diemens Land

Re: The Brief and Pointless Records of the Pirate Council of Italia Gardens

Postby DaveL » Mon Feb 20, 2017 4:29 pm

I think he forgot a few of the other Olive Gardeners... :welcome: :welcome: cough :welcome: :welcome:

The Second Loose Canon (assuming it does get produced) will never be a repeat of the First Loose Canon. That would be a wasted effort on both fronts.
Manatee Singles
http://www.hotdugong.com

Is it June 2017 yet?


Return to “Scripture and Lore”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest