The Second Book of Midgets/Midgits

Submit your scriptural writings for inclusion in the Loose Canon, and your tales of ancient FSM Lore, as well as any other FSM-related writing you may have.

Moderator: All Things Mods

User avatar
DaveL
Site Admin
Posts: 5134
Joined: Fri Aug 26, 2005 8:57 pm
Location: Van Diemens Land

The Second Book of Midgets/Midgits

Postby DaveL » Thu Mar 15, 2018 4:03 pm

Another 5-part beast. It still needs a bit of tweaking and rewording, but see what you think... (and it does not have permission to be in anything other than a Council of the Olive Garden sanctioned publication).

The Second Book of Midgets/Midgits

Chapter 1 Reality Bites

In the Second Age of Noodle Earth, following the entry of Pirates into the world, it came to pass that the Lands of Noodelium were yea verily a hotbed of diverse awesomeness. The maritime skills of the pirates did spread his Noodly Goodness to many new lands and in turn became a receptacle of culinary booty for the Midget kitchens.

And thus following many arguments and disagreements in the kitchen about petty issues such as the correct pronunciation of prosciutto, or whether Spaghetti Bolognese was actually from Naples (not Bologna), things got increasingly ugly for the Midgets. The passion espoused in the kitchens of Noodelium was, however, highly amusing to the FSM, and he did thus get an awesome gut chuckle out of it.

And thus it came to pass that the Flying Spaghetti Monster would desire new tests from his beloved subjects. And yea verily, the FSM following many discussions with TV producers about how to keep the ratings up, decided that 'bitchin in the kitchen' was yea verily awesome and would yea verily, rate its little socks off!!

And the Flying Spaghetti Monster did once again bellow across the cosmos and decree a new golden age.

‘My fellow loyal subjects, your kitchens swell with booty from all the lands of Noodle Earth. While you now have much fine produce, your vanity increases, and quite frankly your self-appointed gourmet expertise is pretty damned annoying. I further decree that hipsters and food bloggers shall be forever banned from these lands. And for your folly, you shall cook for my amusement, not before me, but on something far worse...reality TV. Now go forth and cook me the best darn Pastafarian cuisine each week, until you get voted off by a panel of annoying experts, that only just survived my above decree.'

And yea verily, Midget Leader Egbert did thus agree and sent forth his servants to scour the kitchens of Noodelium to assemble the best camera friendly (with bandanas and douchy tattoos) reality TV cast he could muster.

Sadly, each wannabe contestant was riddled with the same reality TV cliches such as 'I'm dueeng it fur zee keeds' 'Fuud is my dreem/pesseeun' 'I'm oon an ameezing juoorney' and 'Fuud is my leeffe-a, my leeffe-a is fuud. Bork Bork Bork! Which pretty much translates to ‘I’m an attention seeking doofus that wants a career in TV…Bork, Bork Bork!

Much to his dismay, Egbert did thus learn that his rivals the Midgits, being (in his words) 'useless unskilled hedonists', did thus infiltrate the TV judging panel. Further to his dismay, he did thus learn that a Pirate contestant Captain Scruffy McBarnacles had been independently chosen, not only for his douchy tattoos but for his edgy 'food from the bilge' concept, creating a new buzz with the (now underground) hipsters and food bloggers of Noodelium. His skilful art in the cooking of weevils, things stuck to rocks and large seabirds was unsurpassed. Captain Scruffy was unlike any cook in Noodelium. His ‘New Piro' cuisine has the (now banned) food bloggers and hipsters writing vicariously about his funky food with a nautical twist.

Then following a long winded 14-week season involving many extended ad-breaks, clever cross-marketing of kitchen products, rumoured contestant love affairs and on-air meltdowns, the annoying Midgit judge declared Captain McBarnacles the winner. And yea verily there was much rejoicing in the lands of Noodelium, especially from those sadly maligned by main steam Midgetdom and the FSMs new decree. The Midget hipsters did secretly rejoice, much to the anger and taste preferences of the FSM. The Midgits did also rejoice, much to the anger of Midgets who despised them. For this only added insult to injury, for they were still bald.And lastly, the Pirates did also rejoice, which they would have done regardless (especially if grog was present). For Captain Scruffy had performed feats of greatness beyond the usual Pirate feats of lootin' and pillagin' on the high seas.

For while there was much joy, there was also discontentment in the lands of Noodle Earth. For The Flying Spaghetti Monster's Decree had been broken and subsequent fear of retribution had descended across the land.

Here endeth the First Book!

Chapter 2 It’s Hip 2B square

The Flying Spaghetti Monster was somewhat distressed by the outcomes of his latest TV venture and the sudden resurgence of foodie hipster types, in spite of his decree. And despite his initial shock and anger, he was nonetheless still a cool and loving deity, unlike other deities. The FSM rather than seeking retribution of those who disobeyed HIM sought to embrace the proliferation of bearded, heavily bespectacled, brewers of craft beer. But most importantly, it was because Hipster Midgets despite trying to be hairy, were still bald. And this contradiction made the FSM chuckle with laughter!! Then following much pondering of his new urban subculture, the FSM did thus decree hipsters while kind of kind of annoying, but NOT THAT BAD(grr!!). For HIS was the kingdom of passive aggressiveness.

Then following a great ponderance, the FSM did thus bellow forth an updated decree...

'Hairy purveyors of jam-jar beer glasses and those that think mopeds are really cool. It has come to my understanding that contrary to my decree, banning you from Noodelium, that you have none-the-less flourished. My reality TV show and on-trend developments in New-Piro cuisine have only encouraged you, and that was my folly. Seeking to be amused at your expense has, yea verily, backfired. While I am slightly miffed that you will not go away, your banning was due to my own vanity and taste preferences, for which I humbly apologise. As you are still my loyal subjects I have decided the upon following...

And hence the FSM did thus issue the Great Hipster Incantation, who boomed forth across the heavens...

'Fellow Midgets with strange urban habits...Should you wish to embrace your middle-class urban sub-culture in these lands, then go right ahead!, for I shall allow it.

Should you wish to ride a fixed gear bike around the streets of Noodelium, then go for it dudes, for I shall allow it.

Should you wish to serve the Quinoa, the Goji Berry and sprinkle Chia seeds on everything, then have at it, for I shall allow it.

Should you wish to brew your own crystal malt beer instead of mass-produced, weak, untasty brew from the beer volcano, then go right ahead for I shall allow it.

Should you wish to wear open flannelette shirts over T-shirts, and half-length jeans to a job interview then feel free, for I shall allow it.

Should you wish to poncily serve Sea Buckthorn or food from dumpsters at Zero Waste Restaurants, or other self-righteous culinary concepts, then go right ahead for I shall allow it.

Then following several more thousand more examples of bad urban sub-culture, the FSM did thus state (finally)…

... in conclusion, go forth, little hipsters, knock yourselves out and go nuts !! For I shall allow it.

Then his following his great decree, there was great rejoicing. And the Midget Hipsters did cheer and (oh so ironically) give each other high fives with pudgy little fingers and breakout their IPA microbrews in HIS honour. And yea verily they performed many smokin’ burnouts on their Mopeds to celebrate.

For His Noodly grace had prevailed! All the Midgets of Noodelium were once again his beloved subjects of a tolerant and loving FSM. By his grace the FSM had realised that pontificating about banal urban niceties, was really NOT THAT BAD!!(grr) Slightly annoying…but still NOT THAT BAD!! (grr)

For his was indeed the kingdom of passive aggressiveness.

Following the revised and updated hipster decree, Captain Scruffy McBarnacles was thus hailed an ‘on trend’ hero. And following the opening of his flagship restaurant The Evil Weevil on the Noodlelium waterfront, his did thus become the coolest chef in town. And the Midgits and their leader Caxton, did thus seek to grace the social pages of Noodelium, eager to be seen at this trendy establishment. Sadly getting a seat at The Evil Weevil, was tough as nails, due to limited space and seating, a crappy online booking system and prices beyond the reach of most noodly folk.

For Captain Scruffy, his success had spawned his own merchandise range, cooking show and his most dreaded concept...the food van!! For taking it down market was yea verily a winner for Captain Scruffy. However, his mainstreaming was at odds with the Hipsters, who now sought trendier pastures, pursuing other annoying urban trends.

Here Endeth the Second Book!


Chapter 3 The Great Banishment

The Midgits much to the FSM’s dismay had not learned from their previous follies or vanity. Their good looks, love of the limelight and lack of humility were increasingly annoying to the FSM. And while he was tolerant of their facetious ways, he simply got nothing back in return. No love, no praise, and no gratitude.

The FSM careful not to issue more useless announcements (like a Cupertino product launch) summoned Midgit Leader Caxton before him. And the Flying Spaghetti Monster angered by him did thus turn orange and bellow across the starry void…

'Caxton, you and your people are my much loved improved creations, with flowing hair and super good looks. Yet the Midgits gratitude and praise of my celestial awesomeness has of late has been poor. Your defeats at recent televised slanging matches did not lessen your people’s vanity, narcissism or type alpha behaviour. You are, yea verily, full of it!! My great tolerance has allowed me to embrace diversity and change in the Midgets, that, while annoying, was not that bad…(grrr)…

Yet your people have not changed or improved. You are vain, selfish and uncaring of all around you.

Circle of trust=nada, comprende?'

Should you not change you ways, then I will be forced to exile you from the lands of Noodelium.

And I will build a wall, a great big wall around Noodelium which you will have to pay for. And none of you will be allowed back into Noodelium until you prove yourselves worthy unto me.

And the Midgits were disbelieving, labelling the FSM’s ultimatum as #fakenews (or in Midgit #feke-a-noous). For they simply did not believe that his most dazzling creations could do or say anything wrong. Like true narcissists, they blamed the Pirates and Midgets for their misfortunes, created conspiracy theories and insulted anyone who tried to point the error of their ways.

And thus it came to pass after great deliberation, the Midgits were indeed banished from Noodelium and Bobby Mountain. And to add insult to injury, the FSM not only made them pay for the wall, he made them build it, procure materials for it and subcontract specialist engineering services for it. For yea verily, follow extensive delays, site safety issues and cost overruns, the end result was indeed one hell of a wall! For the Midgits were now banished by their own hand.

Enriched by their new construction skills, the now banished Midgits were indeed eager to prove themselves to The Great One. And on the outskirts of Noodelium they did thus embark on an enterprise far scarier than any seen before. The speculative property market!!

And following the procurement of extensive tracts of land outside Noodelium, they did thus overdevelop the bejeebies out of every square meter they could lay their pudgy mitts on. For they did build the golf course, the underwater hotel, the super-sized tower (dubbed the tallest in Noodle Earth) and many other useless 'white elephants' that only the super rich could frequent.

And the Midgits did indeed become highly profitable, capitalistic little dudes. And The Great One was highly impressed that, Midgits were well on the road to Noodly repentance. Still annoying jerks, but highly profitable nonetheless (which makes everything acceptable apparently).

For theirs was the kingdom of Ayn Rand!

Here endeth the Third Book!

Chapter 4 #ORLY?…#YEPRLY!

However…In the outer lands of Noodle Earth, the pirates did happily sail, pillage and plunder all that they could muster. Eager to sell their plunder they did continue to sail to the Holy Lands, eager to trade with the burgeoning wealth of the little folks. And in the ports of Noodelium, the Midgets did thus crave many a useless trinket from their Pirate buddies.

The Midgits had predictably like most bad developers given their tiny new Metropolis a really boring name… New Noodelium (say that quickly 10 times). And their giant marinas housed some of the flashiest boats in all the land. Eager to trade with the newly wealthy Midgits, the Pirates did thus seek access to the shiny port of New Noodelium. However, the Midgits were both greedy and protectionist and did thus impose many harsh tariffs on all pirate goods entering New Noodelium.

Starved of access to the New Noodelium Ports, the pirates did form a large flotilla and blockade the Midgit harbour. And following much rattling of the cutlass and stocking of gargantuan amounts of cannon balls and gunpowder, the pirates did respond to their adversaries in the most terrifying method ever seen…a wicked viral social media campaign!! ‘Man ye fake Tweeter accounts lads, we’re goin’ in!! screamed flotilla master Captain Dusty McPeriwinkles. And the pirates did unleash a mighty barrage, hash-tagging the hell out of everything Midgit in the known universe. For they did troll Caxton’s Tweeter account, every time he issued a stroke/character/hashtag/ampersand. And the Flying Spaghetti Monster did find this wicked but highly addictive, repeatedly checking his celestial smartphone for the latest online ROFL-fest. For this did entertain him greatly and got him away from the dull personas on his gigantic flat screen TV (replacing them with dull online personas).

The Midgets did also chuckle with glee issuing many high fives in honour of the nasty trolls. For New Noodelium was now declining following the wicked rumours and gossip. Nobody wanted to spend their tourist dollars on such a tacky place.

Since the Midgits removal from Old Noodelium, the Midgets had not missed their hairy cousins at all. For their devotion to the FSM had only increased, ever thankful that the FSM had seen the light.

Yet the FSM was finding the ongoing barrage highly entertaining and he did not intervene. A following a great Council of New Noodelium, Caxton did address the New Noodelium Elders.

Fellow Midgits. Tell the pirates there’s a storm coming! And this time, it’s a big one!

Should they continue to persist in their blockade of our harbour and online harassment, then we will unleash a force far more terrible in the history of the Holy lands. For it will be ferocious, deadly and decisive!!…roared Caxton.

Curious about his proposed plans, the Council of New Noodelium Elders did press Caxton for more details.

Shall we unleash our lethal ninjas upon them Great Leader?…asked Thaddeus the Enterprising.

No sir, for that will further displease our Noodly Master, replied Caxton.

Shall we open a barrage upon their fleet?… queried Norbrecht the Vain and Thin-Skinned.

No sir, for the Flying Spaghetti Monster has decreed that bloodletting is uncool replied Caxton.

Shall we blow raspberries and call them names? enquired Barnabus the Fiscally Obsessed.

'No sir, for the Flying Spaghetti Monster has no time for such childish exploits' replied Caxton!!

Then following much deliberation, Caxton did unleash his dastardly plan to defeat the Pirates…(drum roll)…Online Shopping!!

For it was devised that the pirates' blockade could be circumvented by getting their goods from M(idigit)-Bay. So while the pirates' blockade continued, the Midgits partied happily and sipped champagne from their shiny towers, throwing ‘rock the blockade’ parties to taunt their adversaries.

These counter-measures took Captain McPeriwinkles and the pirates completely by surprise. They continued their blockade for several months waiting for the Midgits to yield. Yet the more they continued their blockade, the harder the Midgits partied.

The Midgits tweeted pics at the Pirates showing them whopping it up with hashtags #lovingtheblockadedudes and #partyatmycondo while the Pirates sat miserably at sea. The pirate blockade despite its initial success had in the end, failed miserably. Demoralised the Pirate flotilla disbanded, packed up their toys and left for new lands. And the Midgits newly victorious partied wildly on their condominium balconies. And the Midgets did partake in many a fine party trick, which shall not be mentioned here (only on Snapchat).

And the Flying Spaghetti Monster was highly impressed with the Midgits ability to resolve a heated dispute by peaceful means. And his faith and Midgitdom was now fully restored. However, the demise of the pirates, while highly entertaining at first, was also of concern to Him. For their wealth and declining numbers were indeed a concern for Noodle Earth global temperatures.

Here endeth the Fourth Book!

Chapter 5 The Truce Hurts

Eager to reconcile much butthurt of his chosen people's The Flying Spaghetti Monster first appeared before the Pirates to cure their woes. And in the open sea over the giant pirate fleet, the Flying Spaghetti Monster did appear and issued forth the following decree...(yep another one)...

‘My beloved pirates, your recent attempts to control global trade using gunboat diplomacy and viral social media campaign were disastrous and have yea verily bitten you on the bottom! While it was funny at first, the end result has saddened me. This shall be no more.’

For your devotion and toil, you will receive your own homeland, complete with golden cities and more boozy taverns than you can poke at cutlass at. For the Pirates days of economic dependence on the little folk for trade was now over. For they would enrich Noodelium with trade from their own lands and seaports.

Then following a huge thunderclap, the Flying Spaghetti Monster’s appendages did shudder and shake. And in the equatorial parts Noodle Earth, a great new continent 'Arghh-land' emerged from the sea. And it was named Arghh-land for no particular reason apart from the fact the FSM had a bad headache. ‘Eat your heart out 'Plate Tectonics enthusiasts' quipped the FSM 'I'll show you how continental creation is done!

Next, the FSM did appear hovering over the shiny marinas of New Noodelium. The Midgits, still partying, put down their champagne glasses and quickly turned down the music.

‘My beloved Midgits, your days in exile are now over. For you have proven yourselves both clever and self-sufficient beyond my wildest expectations. Caxton your leadership in avoiding bloodshed on the harbour was both wise and impressive. You have espoused my Noodly virtue, that bloodletting is seriously uncool. And for you will no longer be separated from Midgets by a great big wall, which is yea verily completely stupid and does BUGGER ALL (especially if you fly over it, or travel around it in a boat)!!’

And with another shudder and a shake of his noodly appendages, the Noodelium Wall vanished. 'Intelligently Demolished', wisecracked the FSM. And the New Noodelium and Old New Noodelium were thus merged to form a new city known as Great Noodelium. And the Midgits were free to roam wherever they damn well pleased. He did, however, request that they banish their Ninja mercenaries, for those guys, are totally violent and uncool!

Finally, the FSM appeared to Egbert and the Midgets, hovering over the main Noodelium square. And in their isolation the Midgets had, yea verily turned completely into hipsters. And looking at his beloved subjects the Flying Spaghetti Monster saw not only Bearded Bespectacled He-Midgets but bearded bespectacled She-Midgets, Bearded Bespectacled Baby-Midgets and last but not least Bearded Bespectacled Midget pets. Stunned and once again surveying the crowd, the FSM simply speechless, rolled his eyes, shrugged his multi-appendage shoulders and said:

'Umm...(awkward pause) Yep. All good guys...(another awkward pause)...now get back to work!!'

And following the FSMs removal of the Great Wall, the little folk were once again reunited in a land without barriers. And the land of Great Noodelium was yea verily a real headache for the urban planners, for this place was seriously big!! And despite much cultural cringing, there was long-lasting peace in Noodle Earth. The Flying Spaghetti Monster grace and love for his subjects had prevailed.

And here endeth the Fifth Book and The Second Age of Noodle Earth. For keeping in the traditions of other religious texts, no dates or precise scientific evidence shall be mentioned. It is The Great One’s wish that vague wording and historical accounts should provide much arguing and disagreement amongst us.

Nevertheless, it is the irrefutable word of The Flying Spaghetti Monster and therefore must be true.

Praised be to His Noodly Appendages!! (PBTHNA)
RAmen
Loosely Canonising and keeping it free for all Pastafarians
http://www.loose-canon.info/

User avatar
Nef Yoo BlackBeard
Tagliatelle Trainee Monk
Posts: 4264
Joined: Thu Jan 29, 2009 10:45 pm
Location: off me leesh
Contact:

Re: The Second Book of Midgets/Midgits

Postby Nef Yoo BlackBeard » Fri Mar 16, 2018 2:36 pm

rrrr

oi b a mijjit ! :lech:

warr me naym inn tha booke ?! :confused:

:furious:
cabin boy fir hyer. jyint hat no hextra charj.


Return to “Scripture and Lore”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 8 guests