Humor in the written word ..

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Monobaz
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Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby Monobaz » Sun Aug 02, 2015 3:48 am

My good friend Salvatore belongs to the Calabrian Mafia. Recently Salvatore celebrated 25 years of wedded bliss with his dear wife, Francisca. In a moment of tenderness Salvatore confirmed that from his point of view the marriage had been perfect in every way and he asked Francisca if there was anything he could do to make their relationship even more perfect than it already was. Francisca responded rather quickly: "Well yes Sal, there are two things. Will you please stop picking your nose and when we are enjoying the delights of the bedroom, do you mind if just occasionally I get to go on top." Salvatore contemplated the request for a moment and answered: "No my darling, I cannot do these things .... years ago when I joined the mob I promised the Godfather I would always keep my nose clean and never fuck up!"
"There was a time when religion ruled the world. It is known as the Dark Ages." Ruth Hurmence Green

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AFTERGLOW
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Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby AFTERGLOW » Tue Aug 11, 2015 4:48 pm

""Reagan? That awful actor? He can't win."
"Bush? That chimp moron? He can't win."
"Donald Trump? That buffoon? He can't ... uh oh."" ~ Jeff Tiedrich
Ahoy, me Hardies!

Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrg..

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ET, the Extra Terrestrial
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Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby ET, the Extra Terrestrial » Wed Aug 12, 2015 10:12 pm

AFTERGLOW wrote:""Reagan? That awful actor? He can't win."
"Bush? That chimp moron? He can't win."
"Donald Trump? That buffoon? He can't ... uh oh."" ~ Jeff Tiedrich

Never underestimate the power of a really large number of stupid and ignorant people. I've seen this movie before. I live in Maine.
"Mit der Dummheit kämpfen Götter selbst vergebens."
("Against stupidity, the gods themselves contend in vain.")
-- Friedrich Schiller (1759–1805)
Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.
-- Philip K Dick

What happens when all the renewable energy runs out?
-- Victoria Ayling

English isn't much of a language for swearing. When I studied Ancient Greek I was delighted to discover a single word - Rhaphanidosthai - which translates roughly as "Be thou thrust up the fundament with a radish for adultery."

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gronank
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Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby gronank » Fri Aug 14, 2015 8:12 am

Spurious apostrophes are always confusing and amusing.
Disclaimer: Anything I say on topics of Politics, Economics, Pychology, History, really anything not concerned with the natural sciences and mathematics and especially topics concerning human behavior and/or thoughts, that is not associated with a proper reference is pure speculation on my part.

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Nef Yoo BlackBeard
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Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby Nef Yoo BlackBeard » Fri Aug 14, 2015 5:30 pm

gronank wrote:Spurious apostrophes are always confusing and amusing.


an' i for't i wos's thee on'ly wun 'hoo did't dat .
:lurk: :lurk:
cabin boy fir hyer. jyint hat no hextra charj.

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AFTERGLOW
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Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby AFTERGLOW » Mon Aug 17, 2015 1:38 am

When I saw that quote all I could think of was another "Bed time for Bonzo"
Ahoy, me Hardies!

Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrg..

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ET, the Extra Terrestrial
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Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby ET, the Extra Terrestrial » Tue Oct 27, 2015 9:32 pm

At my local library, I asked the librarian if he had a book about Pavlov's dog and Schrodinger's cat.

He said it rang a bell, but he wasn't sure if it was there or not.
"Mit der Dummheit kämpfen Götter selbst vergebens."
("Against stupidity, the gods themselves contend in vain.")
-- Friedrich Schiller (1759–1805)
Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.
-- Philip K Dick

What happens when all the renewable energy runs out?
-- Victoria Ayling

English isn't much of a language for swearing. When I studied Ancient Greek I was delighted to discover a single word - Rhaphanidosthai - which translates roughly as "Be thou thrust up the fundament with a radish for adultery."

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Mad Willyum Bonney
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Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby Mad Willyum Bonney » Wed Oct 28, 2015 6:43 am

Roy Hunter wrote:
ET, the Extra Terrestrial wrote:At my local library, I asked the librarian if he had a book about Pavlov's dog and Schrodinger's cat.

He said it rang a bell, but he wasn't sure if it was there or not.
That one's going on Facebook. :haha:


How long has that gem been floating around ?!?
First time seeing that keeper !
Remembering St. John
Remembering Auntie DeeDee
Remembering Black Bart
Remembering Pieces o' Nine
Remembering Rainswept

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ET, the Extra Terrestrial
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Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby ET, the Extra Terrestrial » Wed Oct 28, 2015 9:32 pm

Mad Willyum Bonney wrote:
Roy Hunter wrote:
ET, the Extra Terrestrial wrote:At my local library, I asked the librarian if he had a book about Pavlov's dog and Schrodinger's cat.

He said it rang a bell, but he wasn't sure if it was there or not.
That one's going on Facebook. :haha:


How long has that gem been floating around ?!?
First time seeing that keeper !

I stole it from FB meself.
Image
"Mit der Dummheit kämpfen Götter selbst vergebens."
("Against stupidity, the gods themselves contend in vain.")
-- Friedrich Schiller (1759–1805)
Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.
-- Philip K Dick

What happens when all the renewable energy runs out?
-- Victoria Ayling

English isn't much of a language for swearing. When I studied Ancient Greek I was delighted to discover a single word - Rhaphanidosthai - which translates roughly as "Be thou thrust up the fundament with a radish for adultery."

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ChowMein
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Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby ChowMein » Wed Oct 28, 2015 10:02 pm

:haha: :lol: :fsm_rock:

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Nef Yoo BlackBeard
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Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby Nef Yoo BlackBeard » Fri Jan 01, 2016 5:56 am

Wot duss ye cawl a blynd bambi ?

Ummmm..........

......no idea . :welcome:
cabin boy fir hyer. jyint hat no hextra charj.

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AFTERGLOW
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Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby AFTERGLOW » Fri Feb 05, 2016 2:50 pm

An Oldie ... But Still A Goody:

""Don Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near.
His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him.

He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last will and testament,
and when all is ready he begins to speak:

* My son, "Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses."
* My daughter "Sybil, you take the apartments over in the East end."
* My son, "Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Center."
* "Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the
banks of the river."

The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive
holdings, and as Don slips away, the nurse says, "Mrs. Smith, your husband
must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all that property".

Sarah replies,
"Property ? .. The idiot had a paper route.""
Ahoy, me Hardies!

Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrg..

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ItchyPirate
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Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby ItchyPirate » Fri Feb 05, 2016 4:48 pm

I don't remember where I heard this one (I don't even remember if the names are correct), but it made me laugh.

Two parents, Sara and James, had a son named Samuel. Samuel was a smart kid, but he failed math class. His teachers and his parents could not figure out why. His parents tried sending him to various schools and counselors, but his math skills never improved.

As a last resort, Sara and James decided to send Samuel to Sunday School. Samuel went to school, came home, and started doing homework right away. This process repeated for several weeks, then Samuel brought home a math test to show to his parents. They looks at it and were completely amazed -- he had gotten an A+!

"Wow! Good job, Samuel," James said.

"What happened to make you do so well?" Sara asked.

Samuel replied, "Well, I went in and introduced myself to class. I wasn't real interested, so I didn't pay attention at first. It was when I saw the man nailed to the plus sign that I knew they meant business."
Captain Itchy Pirate :fsm_yarr:

He who laughs, lasts. :lol:

"You can't argue with all the fools in the world. It is better to let them have their way, then trick them when they're not looking."
--Brom, character in Eragon by Christopher Paolini

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Monobaz
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Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby Monobaz » Tue Mar 01, 2016 6:14 am

Why is a male prostitute referred to as a donkey?
Hee haw :welcome:
"There was a time when religion ruled the world. It is known as the Dark Ages." Ruth Hurmence Green

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AFTERGLOW
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Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby AFTERGLOW » Thu Mar 10, 2016 11:42 am

Why Teachers Drink!
The following questions were set in last year's GED examination. These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)
Q. Name the four seasons.
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar


Q. How is dew formed?
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids?
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs
(Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)

Q. What happens to your body as you age?
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery
(So true)

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination?
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour?
A. Keep it in the cow
(Simple, but brilliant)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity.
The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A,E,I,O,U

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control?
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium
(That would work)

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'.
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor.
(Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)

Q. What is a terminal illness?
A. When you are sick at the airport.
(Irrefutable)

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight
(brilliant)

Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head. Once a Arab boy reaches puberty, he removes his diaper and wraps it around his head.
(Now we're getting somewhere}
Ahoy, me Hardies!

Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrg..


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