Humor in the written word ..

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Monobaz
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Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby Monobaz » Tue Apr 26, 2016 6:02 am

Two Indian junkies ran out of cocaine so experimented by snorting curry powder instead. They reacted badly and were rushed to hospital where one of them is in a korma and the other has a dodgy tikka.
"There was a time when religion ruled the world. It is known as the Dark Ages." Ruth Hurmence Green

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AFTERGLOW
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Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby AFTERGLOW » Sat Jun 11, 2016 7:09 pm

An oldie but still a goody:

"A gynecologist had become so fed up with malpractice insurance and paperwork he burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become an auto mechanic.
He went to the local technical college, signed up for classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?"
The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark. This equaled an A". After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career.""
Ahoy, me Hardies!

Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrg..

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ChowMein
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Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby ChowMein » Tue Jun 14, 2016 10:42 am

HARR!
That be a new one for moi .
I can't remember any " clean " jokes , only filthy and non PC ones .
Oh well .........

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ChowMein
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Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby ChowMein » Thu Sep 08, 2016 5:20 pm

Patient - " Doctor Doctor ! Some days I think I am a teepee and other days a wigwam ! What's the matter with me?! "

Doctor - " You'r two tents "

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ET, the Extra Terrestrial
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Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby ET, the Extra Terrestrial » Fri Sep 09, 2016 12:30 am

My friend said his dog can retrieve a stick from five miles away.

...That seems a bit far fetched to me.
"Mit der Dummheit kämpfen Götter selbst vergebens."
("Against stupidity, the gods themselves contend in vain.")
-- Friedrich Schiller (1759–1805)
Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.
-- Philip K Dick

What happens when all the renewable energy runs out?
-- Victoria Ayling

English isn't much of a language for swearing. When I studied Ancient Greek I was delighted to discover a single word - Rhaphanidosthai - which translates roughly as "Be thou thrust up the fundament with a radish for adultery."

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ChowMein
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Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby ChowMein » Sun Jan 22, 2017 2:22 am

A farmer walks into a store and says to the owner,

" My wife slipped on the kitchen floor this morning and sent me here for ten pounds of frozen peas ."

" Split or whole !? " , enquired the shopkeeper .

"Nah , just hurt 'er bum "

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StayThirstyMyAguila
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Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby StayThirstyMyAguila » Mon Jan 23, 2017 10:23 am

Three men walk onto an empty golf green, each carrying a club. These men consist of Jesus, Moses, and one other guy.

Jesus walks up to the tee. He promptly whacks the ball all the way down the Par 5 course, right into a sand hazard near the hole. Jesus points a single finger at the ball, and it rises out of the sand and onto the green. Since the hole is only a few feet away, Jesus just takes his next turn and putts it in.

Now Moses steps up, ball in one hand, club in the other. After placing his ball on the tee and taking a practice swing, Moses putts the ball about two thirds of the way down the course, just barely rolling into a water hazard. Moses, with his arm outstretched, palm up, raises his hand slowly, and the water parts. He steps down to his ball, hitting it onto the green, where it rolls into the hole.

The third man steps up. He rolls his shoulders and swings his arms in a few circles. Bending down in one fluid motion, he places the ball on the tee and straightens back up. He swings the club experimentally, back and forth, back and forth, before swinging it in a circle and resting it on his neck. Eyeing the ball for a split second, he readies his stance and swings the club mercilessly at the ball.

The ball sails straight over the hole, way off the course, way over the course's attached hotel, and over the picket fence surrounding the courses, bouncing directly into a nearby road.
A passing truck redirected the ball's considerable force, causing it to clip a nearby roof and bounce back the way it came, into the road, before being clipped by a tire and, as a result, flung backwards into the relatively nearby park. There it rolled slowly into a basketball court.
The players, playing a pickup game, accidentally dribbling right over the ball, hitting it off the court and screwing the guy dribbling by bouncing the basketball in the opposite direction and losing him the game. The golf ball, after teetered on the edge of a hill for a minute, rolled down, hit a bump, and soared over the fence of the golf courses and landing directly in a water hazard, coming to rest on a lily pad.
Suddenly, a frog jumped out of the pond, onto the lily pad, ate the ball, and began sunning itself.
Out of nowhere, an eagle swooped down, clutching the frog in its talons and flying away over the golf courses.
As it passed over the course Jesus, Moses, and the third guy were playing on, the frog opened its mouth, releasing the ball. The ball reached terminal velocity, finally coming to rest by falling directly into the hole for a perfect hole in one.

Moses turned to Jesus and said, "I hate playing with your dad".

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ET, the Extra Terrestrial
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Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby ET, the Extra Terrestrial » Thu Feb 09, 2017 8:06 pm

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, an American, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian, an Estonian, a German, an Italian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech, and a Swiss walk into a bar.
The bartender says, "I can't let you in without a Thai."
"Mit der Dummheit kämpfen Götter selbst vergebens."
("Against stupidity, the gods themselves contend in vain.")
-- Friedrich Schiller (1759–1805)
Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.
-- Philip K Dick

What happens when all the renewable energy runs out?
-- Victoria Ayling

English isn't much of a language for swearing. When I studied Ancient Greek I was delighted to discover a single word - Rhaphanidosthai - which translates roughly as "Be thou thrust up the fundament with a radish for adultery."

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StayThirstyMyAguila
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Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby StayThirstyMyAguila » Fri Feb 10, 2017 9:32 am

A husband and wife got married 40 years ago, and have lived happily ever since. Sadly, the husband dies.
Ten years later, the wife dies, ready to be reunited with her husband.
In heaven, she searches and searches, and finally she sees her husband. She runs towards him and tackles him in a big hug. "Honey, I've missed you so much!!!!", she calls.
The husband raises his arms and backs away from her in surprise and responds, "Woah there, woman, and don't you 'darling' me. The deal was very clear!! "Until death do us apart!""

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StayThirstyMyAguila
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Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby StayThirstyMyAguila » Fri Feb 10, 2017 9:43 am

This was the introduction to a video my English instructor made me watch.
Here it is:
http://www.ted.com/talks/andrew_stanton ... anguage=en
Watch that, you'll know when the joke ends.


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