Humor in the written word ..

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black bart
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Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby black bart » Mon May 27, 2013 7:27 am

Setting the bar high? Yet another way of getting out of paying me bar tab.

How many Spaniards does it take to change a light bulb?



Just Juan.
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Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby pieces o'nine » Mon May 27, 2013 9:20 pm

How many bluegrass musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They only use acoustic light bulbs.
I will honor Monkey in my heart, and try to keep it all the year.
~Charles "Darwin" Dickens

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black bart
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Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby black bart » Tue May 28, 2013 9:31 am

^ I get that one because I like Alison Krauss and Union Station.

A piece of black Tarmac goes into a bar and orders a beer.

Two minutes later a piece of orange Tarmac comes in and the black Tarmac screams and hides behind the bar.

The landlord asks the piece of black Tarmac what the hell is wrong.

The black Tarmac says: "don't serve him whatever you do, he's a cyclepath!"
The smoke wafted gently in the breeze across the poop deck and all seemed right in the world.

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Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby pieces o'nine » Tue May 28, 2013 9:20 pm

How many televangelists does it take to change a light bulb?

One. but for the message of light to continue, send us your love offering of $5, $10, $25, $100, even $1,000 today.
I will honor Monkey in my heart, and try to keep it all the year.
~Charles "Darwin" Dickens

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PKMKII
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Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby PKMKII » Wed May 29, 2013 2:11 am

How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?

None, we've got machines to do that now too.
"How is it that hardly any major religion has looked at science and concluded, 'This is better than we thought! The Universe is much bigger than our prophets said, grander, more subtle, more elegant. God must be even greater than we dreamed'? Instead they say, 'No, no, no! My god is a little god, and I want him to stay that way.'" - Carl Sagan

"To doubt everything or to believe everything are two equally convenient solutions; both dispense with the necessity of reflection." - Henri Poincaré

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Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby AFTERGLOW » Wed May 29, 2013 7:19 pm

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, 'Hello.'
'Mrs. Sanders, please.'

'Speaking.'

'Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your
husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another
Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your
husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good.'

'What do you mean?' Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

'Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one
tested positive for HIV(aids). We can't tell which is which.'

'That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?' questioned Mrs. Sanders.

'Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one
time.'

'Well, what am I supposed to do now?'

'The folks at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off
somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with
him.
Ahoy, me Hardies!

Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrg..

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Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby AFTERGLOW » Fri May 31, 2013 1:39 pm

Cowboy: "Gimme 3 packets a condoms, please."

Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"

Cowboy: "Nah... She's purty good lookin'....."
Ahoy, me Hardies!

Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrg..

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Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby DavidH » Tue Jun 04, 2013 5:55 am

CHURCH SQUIRRELS

There were five houses of religion in a small town: The Presbyterian Church, The Baptist Church, The Methodist Church, The Catholic Church and The Jewish Synagogue.

Each church and Synagogue was overrun with pesky squirrels.

One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

In The Baptist church the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week.

The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the Squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.

The Catholic Church baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas, Ash Wednesday, Palm Sunday and Easter.

The Jewish Synagogue came up with the best and most effective solution: they took one squirrel and had a short service with him called circumcision and they haven't seen a squirrel on the property since.

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Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby pieces o'nine » Tue Jun 04, 2013 8:50 pm

A man is trying to cross the street. As he steps off the curb a car comes screaming around the corner and heads straight for him. The man walks faster, trying to hurry across the street, but the car changes lanes and is still coming at him. So the guy turns around to go back, but the car changes lanes again and is still coming at him. By now, the car is so close and the man so scared that he just freezes and stops in the middle of the road. The car gets real close, then swerves at the last possible moment and screeches to a halt right next him. The driver rolls down the window. The driver is a squirrel.

The squirrel says to the man, "See, it's not as easy as it looks, is it?"
I will honor Monkey in my heart, and try to keep it all the year.
~Charles "Darwin" Dickens

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Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby PKMKII » Wed Jun 05, 2013 1:25 am

Modern psychological disorders:

Domi Buxum Muneris Paranoia Syndrome.

A condition that afflicts people too cheap to get HBO and so wait for the DVD box sets of HBO shows to come out. Sufferers develop a fear of spoilers that inhibits their ability to interact with the outside world. Mild, beginning stages of DMBPS include inability to go onto any websites dedicated to the show. As the disease progresses, sufferers stop visiting general entertainment websites, followed by news sites, social media sites, e-mail, and eventually the entire Internet. Severe cases see sufferers shutting out all television and printed media, and sometimes blocking out all social interaction.

Symptoms include refusal to look at that funny thing you found on the Internet, and plugging their ears and yelling "LA LA LA LA" when the words "stark" or "boardwalk" are mentioned.
"How is it that hardly any major religion has looked at science and concluded, 'This is better than we thought! The Universe is much bigger than our prophets said, grander, more subtle, more elegant. God must be even greater than we dreamed'? Instead they say, 'No, no, no! My god is a little god, and I want him to stay that way.'" - Carl Sagan

"To doubt everything or to believe everything are two equally convenient solutions; both dispense with the necessity of reflection." - Henri Poincaré

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black bart
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Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby black bart » Wed Jun 05, 2013 7:08 am

pieces o'nine wrote:A man is trying to cross the street. As he steps off the curb a car comes screaming around the corner and heads straight for him. The man walks faster, trying to hurry across the street, but the car changes lanes and is still coming at him. So the guy turns around to go back, but the car changes lanes again and is still coming at him. By now, the car is so close and the man so scared that he just freezes and stops in the middle of the road. The car gets real close, then swerves at the last possible moment and screeches to a halt right next him. The driver rolls down the window. The driver is a squirrel.

The squirrel says to the man, "See, it's not as easy as it looks, is it?"


:lol: ^Best Squirrel joke ever?

How long does it take a Mexican dog to change a light bulb?

Chiwawas.
The smoke wafted gently in the breeze across the poop deck and all seemed right in the world.

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black bart
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Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby black bart » Wed Jun 05, 2013 7:10 am

PKMKII wrote:Modern psychological disorders:

Domi Buxum Muneris Paranoia Syndrome.

A condition that afflicts people too cheap to get HBO and so wait for the DVD box sets of HBO shows to come out. Sufferers develop a fear of spoilers that inhibits their ability to interact with the outside world. Mild, beginning stages of DMBPS include inability to go onto any websites dedicated to the show. As the disease progresses, sufferers stop visiting general entertainment websites, followed by news sites, social media sites, e-mail, and eventually the entire Internet. Severe cases see sufferers shutting out all television and printed media, and sometimes blocking out all social interaction.

Symptoms include refusal to look at that funny thing you found on the Internet, and plugging their ears and yelling "LA LA LA LA" when the words "stark" or "boardwalk" are mentioned.


That would be amusing if it wasn't for the fact that I am only up to episode 3 of Game of Thrones and there was a feature in the newspaper today showing 3 of the main characters getting bumped off!!!!!! :furious:
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Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby PKMKII » Sun Jun 09, 2013 2:16 am

A man and his wife were discussing what they thought their son might be when he grew up.

"I have an idea," said the father. He put a ten-dollar bill, a bottle of whiskey, and a Bible on the coffee table. "If he takes the money he'll be a banker. If he takes the whiskey he'll be a wino, and if he takes the Bible that means he'll be a preacher."

So the man and his wife hide just before their son comes in the door, and watch from where they're hiding.

The boy saunters over to the coffee table. He picks up the ten-dollar bill, looks at it, then sets it down. He picks up the bottle of whiskey, uncorks it, sniffs it, then sets it down. Then he picks up the Bible, leafs through it, then sets it down.

Then the boy takes the money and stuffs it into his pocket, grabs the whiskey, and walks off with the Bible under his arm.

"Well how do you like that!" exclaims the father. "He's going to be a politician!"
"How is it that hardly any major religion has looked at science and concluded, 'This is better than we thought! The Universe is much bigger than our prophets said, grander, more subtle, more elegant. God must be even greater than we dreamed'? Instead they say, 'No, no, no! My god is a little god, and I want him to stay that way.'" - Carl Sagan

"To doubt everything or to believe everything are two equally convenient solutions; both dispense with the necessity of reflection." - Henri Poincaré

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pieces o'nine
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Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby pieces o'nine » Sun Jun 09, 2013 3:28 pm

^ :haha:
I will honor Monkey in my heart, and try to keep it all the year.
~Charles "Darwin" Dickens

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PKMKII
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Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby PKMKII » Thu Jun 20, 2013 1:52 am

Craig Ferguson wrote:The last thing we want is a Glaswegian with nukes. "Dih yew look ah me? Dih yew look ah me!? GET TEH NEWKS!!! GET TEH NEWKS!!!"
"How is it that hardly any major religion has looked at science and concluded, 'This is better than we thought! The Universe is much bigger than our prophets said, grander, more subtle, more elegant. God must be even greater than we dreamed'? Instead they say, 'No, no, no! My god is a little god, and I want him to stay that way.'" - Carl Sagan

"To doubt everything or to believe everything are two equally convenient solutions; both dispense with the necessity of reflection." - Henri Poincaré


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