The, "How Did Trump Manage To Attain Presidency?" Game

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StayThirstyMyAguila
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The, "How Did Trump Manage To Attain Presidency?" Game

Postby StayThirstyMyAguila » Wed Mar 22, 2017 10:50 am

The rules are simple. Provide a reason why Trump was able to take office.
Example post (admittedly a wee bit short):

The Deep South.

Except they should be more ridiculous, that example was actually true.
I'll start:
Wait. Before you read it, PROMISE you'll read it out loud (or in your head if you have to) in a Southern voice, but sped up to the speed at which New Englanders speak, except at the end of sentences where every Southerner slows down for dramatic effect. Got all that? Good:


*adopts proper voice*

Ahem . . .



The 49th Parallel.

Obviously those thrice-dɑmned Russian aliens used their laser-emitting spleens to hack into Russia's computers and used THOSE to hack into every computer participating in SETI and shut them all down.
Once they'd done that, they descended all along the 49th, cut open a couple of our cows to undermine our morale (because they mistakenly assume, after landing in India on their first reconnaissance mission to Earth, that mankind worships cows) and deployed their own, "human" candidate so that they (the, "human" to-be president, that is), under the pseudonym of Ted Cruz (or as he would have been called if the plan had reached its final phases, "Ted Cruz, His Zodiacal Majesty"), could begin to use North America as a slaughterhouse for all the cows of the world.

To ensure the success of their chosen sacrifice/man on the inside (one or the other), those googly-eyed fuᲃkers performed multiple highly complex and completely irrelevant, yet effective, medical procedures on every other candidate, simultaneously rendering them tremendously dull and exceedingly incapable of attaining the office of presidency.

Fortunately, around this time a Hindu cult called, "The Hand", FSM bless their souls, found those dɑmn aliens out (again) from their hidden lab in Lithuania and secretly hacked a few computers that WEREN'T running SETI (on principle, The Hand doesn't hack computers that run SETI because the search is already over) using their secret Kung-Fu Jedi meditation mind tricks, and posted an online blog (but with proof) story about how Ted Cruz was the Zodiac Killer.

Unfortunately their effort did NOT succeed in causing the aliens to withdraw, although it did cost Ted Cruz the election. Thus, the other, decoy candidates (which the Russian aliens had preformed complex operations on, in order to dull their wits tremendously and render them inadequate choices for the presidency) had to duke it out.
The Hand attempted to sort the 'decoy candidate' stuff out, but due to a translation error (and their failure to realize that in real life, the heroes DON'T get at least 24 hours to save the world), they couldn't finish knocking candidates off the ballot fast enough, and because they were working in Hindu alphabetical order, Trump was supposed to be one of the last people to be removed. This meant that by the time The Hand tried to remove him from the ballots (one way or another), he was already the only Republican candidate left. Unfortunately this meant him disappearing would DEFINITELY attract attention. That being as it was, they barely had time to thrust him on a teleporter and blast his ɑss to Mexico.
Unfortunately, The Hand's techies had been missing for a while (probably hiding/kidnapped and being interrogated in Bermuda somewhere), and the teleporter was touchy (The Hand isn't funded very well, they got it secondhand), and needed to be unplugged and plugged back in between uses (The Hand has used this method of fixing technology for generations; it has recently been rediscovered by tech-obtuse millennials, along with smacking the screen to make things load faster). Unfortunately, the techies were probably in Bermuda, but they definitely weren't there when the teleporter were set up, because no one had unplugged it, nor had anyone plugged it back in. This caused the teleporter to resort to its battery for power (which was a used cigarette butt), teleport Trump to Mexico for about 2.7182818284 seconds before the teleporter's effect was reversed and Trump was sent right back to where he'd been roughly 2.7182818284 seconds beforehand. This experience left him with a morbid fear of Mexicans, smoldering hair and clothing, and eventually handed him the presidency.

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ET, the Extra Terrestrial
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Re: The, "How Did Trump Manage To Attain Presidency?" Game

Postby ET, the Extra Terrestrial » Wed Mar 22, 2017 9:17 pm

StayThirstyMyAguila wrote:The 49th Parallel.

Isn't that a book by that Dos Passos guy?

Oh, and for the topic, see the Zeroth and First Basic Laws of Human Stupidity.

And please dispense with the superfluous comma in the topic name. There is no sentence in the English language in which the definite article is correctly followed by a comma, unless it is treated as an object.
"Mit der Dummheit kämpfen Götter selbst vergebens."
("Against stupidity, the gods themselves contend in vain.")
-- Friedrich Schiller (1759–1805)
Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.
-- Philip K Dick

What happens when all the renewable energy runs out?
-- Victoria Ayling

English isn't much of a language for swearing. When I studied Ancient Greek I was delighted to discover a single word - Rhaphanidosthai - which translates roughly as "Be thou thrust up the fundament with a radish for adultery."

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StayThirstyMyAguila
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Re: The "How Did Trump Manage To Attain Presidency?" Game

Postby StayThirstyMyAguila » Thu Mar 23, 2017 8:14 am

ET, the Extra Terrestrial wrote:
StayThirstyMyAguila wrote:The 49th Parallel.

Isn't that a book by that Dos Passos guy?
That's the 42nd parallel, that's different.
ET, the Extra Terrestrial wrote:Oh, and for the topic, see the Zeroth and First Basic Laws of Human Stupidity.
Done and done, doesn't change the obvious truth of the story.
ET, the Extra Terrestrial wrote:And please dispense with the superfluous comma in the topic name. There is no sentence in the English language in which the definite article is correctly followed by a comma, unless it is treated as an object.
I was taught (incorrectly, most likely) that quotations are always preceded by a comma, unless you're using them like finger quotes (sarcastically), in which case you might need to use single quote.

EDIT: Looked it up, apparently I've been doing it wrong for years now and no one said anything. On the bright side, I learned that Canada calls them "interrogation marks".

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ET, the Extra Terrestrial
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Re: The "How Did Trump Manage To Attain Presidency?" Game

Postby ET, the Extra Terrestrial » Thu Mar 23, 2017 9:48 am

StayThirstyMyAguila wrote:
ET, the Extra Terrestrial wrote:
StayThirstyMyAguila wrote:The 49th Parallel.

Isn't that a book by that Dos Passos guy?
That's the 42nd parallel, that's different.

49th, 42nd, whatever - they're all parallel. It's been years since I read it. I'm impressed that I remembered the author's name.

StayThirstyMyAguila wrote:
ET, the Extra Terrestrial wrote:Oh, and for the topic, see the Zeroth and First Basic Laws of Human Stupidity.
Done and done, doesn't change the obvious truth of the story.

The question was how did Trump manage to get his sorry ass elected. I maintain that Hanlon's razor is an adequate explanation, as shown by the two laws cited.
"Mit der Dummheit kämpfen Götter selbst vergebens."
("Against stupidity, the gods themselves contend in vain.")
-- Friedrich Schiller (1759–1805)
Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.
-- Philip K Dick

What happens when all the renewable energy runs out?
-- Victoria Ayling

English isn't much of a language for swearing. When I studied Ancient Greek I was delighted to discover a single word - Rhaphanidosthai - which translates roughly as "Be thou thrust up the fundament with a radish for adultery."

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StayThirstyMyAguila
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Posts: 1349
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Location: The depths of Archaide.

Re: The "How Did Trump Manage To Attain Presidency?" Game

Postby StayThirstyMyAguila » Thu Mar 23, 2017 3:35 pm

ET, the Extra Terrestrial wrote:I'm impressed that I remembered the author's name.
I don't really have that problem. I remember the story behind almost every book (and the authors' name in most cases) that I've ever read. Except for Lord Of The Flies, which remains the only book I've ever started but never finished; I was only about 6 years old and I didn't understand one bit of it.

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Re: The, "How Did Trump Manage To Attain Presidency?" Game

Postby Nef Yoo BlackBeard » Wed Aug 23, 2017 9:28 pm

pooperhed erwik
:welcome:
rrrrrr
cabin boy fir hyer. jyint hat no hextra charj.


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