Application to Date our Daughter

[ken worley]

Dear sir,

I hope you will indulge me, as I have chosen to forego your questionairre, (well-thought-out though it surely is), and speak from my heart.

I am an old- fashioned boy, and like you, am disgusted by the rampant sexuality and "independence" exhibited by young people today.

In fact, my upper-crust upbringing, and solid moral values have made me somewhat unsuccessful in the dating world, to this point.
That is why it makes me so happy to see a girl made eligible in the way GOD intended...By being offered up as chattel by her father/older male relation.

If I may state my case.

I am an up-and-comer in a major blue-chip corporation.
Your daughter (hopefully my future wife) will be the perfect accompaniment to my solid republican lifestyle.
I plan to ensconce her in a 350,000-500,000 dollar house in a racially pure neighborhood, and give her a list of appropriate hobbies, clubs, and guilds to participate in, to keep her from developing dangerous ideas.

Of course, sex will eventually become necessary, to produce offspring, (otherwise, my carreer will hit a ceiling, due to rumors), but, rest assured, sex is not an interest of mine.
Grandchildren will be sired in the most efficient way possible, by keeping track of your daughter's menses, and choosing her most fertile days.
The dirty act itself, I promise you, will be performed late at night, in a darkened bedroom, missionary-style, and using the absolute minimum number of pelvic thrusts necessary to get the job done.

It is further my solemn promise to you that I will do my utmost to insure that your sweet, precious flower will find sex pointless, bothersome, and always an unenjoyable chore. (I will not let her turn into a strumpet, sir, or fall victim to the myth of the female orgasm.)

Our children will be raised with these same core values, learning to loathe their bodies, and their sick urges, and to find their entrance into puberty shameful and emotionally stunting.

We will endeavour to treat them with a cold resentment, as they will be the evidence and reminder of our, your daughter's and my, shame.

All I ask, on your part, sir, is to always take my side, should our girl go behind my back, to bring questions of my authority back to you.

I am sure you have made a great start at quashing her independence (dangerous for a woman), and I will enjoy your continued input and teamwork in this regard.

My equifax report is enclosed, as is a note from my physician pronouncing me:
1.Free of disease.
2. Below-average in penile size
3. Physically unable to become more than halfway erect.

I am looking forward, sir, to working with you to effect your little girl's safe and unexciting transfer from your governance, to mine.

sincerely,
Ken Worley

[Elektra]

That's so typical of you, Ken Worley.

[ken worley]

ARRR!...It be Elektra!....
So, we've finally stolen you from that nest of pansies and snake-people at that other forum....
All be well with that...
Harrrrr!!!!!....

*Rips silk Pirate-Shirt open to waist, Poses for cover of trashy novel*

[hplrules]

Dear Sir,

I would like to "date" your daughter, or otherwise have the carnal use of her for the night.

My qualifications? I'm fairly ripped on rum, and have learned many worldly ways from watching far too many repititions of Pirates of the Caribbean. She'll have a great time with me sowing her wild oats, and be that much closer to settling down to the right man, making you proud at last that she be done with painted rapscallions like myself. Of course, should she be denied this access to excess now, then I'll come sneakin round her door after she's married and bored. So, the choice be yours! Do we have an accord?!

Wind in your sails, John Rot

ps: I'll feed her too, if she likes spaghetti.

[ke_mikiao]

sir, i wish to assure you that my intentions with your daughter are as pure and innocent as yours were when you first dated your wife.



-RUN!!-

[don juan]

euh you have no sons ?

[hplrules]

Dear Sir,

I shall be pleased to entertain your unspoiled daughter on the night before I put out to sea for good with Calico Jack. Her seeding is assured and you may proudly raise my child as your own, but with fewer beatings. Please feel free to step in an fill my vacancy once she's had a taste of affection, and damn the discretion that I'm sure you lack anyway. For this service, I am generous enough not to charge you so much as a shilling, but only insist that you do me the kindness of shaving your dear Wendy's scraggly beard!

At your service, John Rot

ps: It would help if you threw a complimentory bottle of your best stock into the deal.