Far fetched anecdotes of the sea.

Arrr, I be a pirate!

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black bart
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Re: Far fetched anecdotes of the sea.

Postby black bart » Mon Feb 16, 2009 8:57 am

The Monster wiv Two Heads.

Arrrgh I once again I found meself an crew a visitin Mexico arter a short visit ta see me mumsy. Suddenly out o de mist wot clung ta thee shore happeared a terrible beast:

Image

Quick I said ta de First Mate get thee Shippe's carpenter ta carve an himage o thee beast on a piece o drift wood...dey'll nivver believe us when we tells em about thee terrible Two Headed Aztec Serpent.

Quick as PON puttin her bill on DTH's tab, the carpenter carved a picture o thee beast shortly afore it eat him...

It wuz orrible, one head bit his lower half orf and thee other head bit his upper half orf. Tis a terrible shame he wuz a skilled member o me crew...but on de uvver hand der be more Aztec treasure fer de rest of us.

We ran to the safety o thee Big Brenda wot were anchored at the mouth o the bay, but it didn't look loik we could make it. The beast slithered nearer an nearer eatin crew member arter crew, first one head would chomp amd den de uvver!

Suddenly I had a stroke o hinsperashun...quick I said to de remainin crew, 'Give thee monster all the food ye be carryin an dat barrel o Fish Head Stew wot we've been savin fer a rainy day.'

We piled up the grub an the Two Headed beast munched it all up...

Suddenly der was a orrible grumblin an rumblin sound...den...with an Enormous Farting sound the beast hexploded in a Supernova of shite!

"Wot appened Cap'n?' gasped the First Mate incredulously, holdin his nose from the terrible stench...

"Simple matey,' said I 'The monster had two heads but no arse...it had eaten so much it exploded wiv all the gass in it's vast tummy"

I fink dat species o monster must be hextiinct now thank goodness...a sort o hevolushionary two headed dead end...but it made a noice design ta tart up me cabin walls.
The smoke wafted gently in the breeze across the poop deck and all seemed right in the world.

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Re: Far fetched anecdotes of the sea.

Postby Detective TurtleHolmes » Tue Feb 17, 2009 12:29 am

Ye shooda jus' made it et isself.
A flap of the wings yesterday means big changes tomorrow.
Let's work together to keep the present inevitable.

So yeah, I went and got a blog.

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black bart
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Re: Far fetched anecdotes of the sea.

Postby black bart » Tue Feb 17, 2009 6:05 am

Detective TurtleHolmes wrote:Ye shooda jus' made it et isself.


ARRRRRR...Next toim I see one I'll be expectin YE to tell him ta do just that...I don't know which end ye talks to though.
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Re: Far fetched anecdotes of the sea.

Postby Detective TurtleHolmes » Tue Feb 17, 2009 6:32 am

black bart wrote:
Detective TurtleHolmes wrote:Ye shooda jus' made it et isself.


ARRRRRR...Next toim I see one I'll be expectin YE to tell him ta do just that...I don't know which end ye talks to though.

Azza mattarr o' fackt, oi's alreddy dun it, see?
Image

Not too 'ard, ye jus frow a choice bit o' meat at de uvver mouth!
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Let's work together to keep the present inevitable.

So yeah, I went and got a blog.

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Re: Far fetched anecdotes of the sea.

Postby black bart » Tue Feb 17, 2009 7:06 pm

Aarrrrgh...how does we know that that be a two headed serpent? I'll wager he's goblin up his own backside unless I be Cap'n Cronan's uncle. Tis a common or garden snake matey!
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Re: Far fetched anecdotes of the sea.

Postby pieces o'nine » Wed Feb 18, 2009 1:33 am

Yarrr! Oi'll wager that snayke 'as nivver naveegayted thee Ammazonne rivvir ter get to Chikkin Itza, oar scene thee Chalk Mool.
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Re: Far fetched anecdotes of the sea.

Postby Detective TurtleHolmes » Wed Feb 18, 2009 1:46 am

black bart wrote:Aarrrrgh...how does we know that that be a two headed serpent? I'll wager he's goblin up his own backside unless I be Cap'n Cronan's uncle. Tis a common or garden snake matey!

Narr, that be a feerce White Spotted Beastie O' Doom, iffen ever oi seen wun! An' the blaggard did 'ave too heids, ye jus' cannae see thee uvver wun, innit?
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Re: Far fetched anecdotes of the sea.

Postby black bart » Thu Mar 19, 2009 8:32 am

Ye tale of ye Pirate wot was chased by a big green croc.

Image

Arr an this be the origine of the hexpreshun: To Peg It.
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Re: Far fetched anecdotes of the sea.

Postby black bart » Thu Apr 16, 2009 8:03 am

Ye Tale of Nef Yoo Blackbeard an the Giant Tomato.

One day Nef Yoo Blackbeard (not as manee people fink thee Nef Yoo of Captain Blackbeard* but thee Nef Yoo of her hesteemed Auntieness, madame Blackbeard, Agonee Aunty) wus walkin along Portsmouth Harbour bein a roight Royal pain in thee arse when all of a sudden there was a cry of 'Look out below!' Nef Yoo glanced up jus in toim ta catch a giant tomato roight in the mush:

Image

As that liddle film illustrates, Nef Yoo was covered in Tomato sauce. When he got home Auntie BB was furious: 'What appened to ye this toim ye filthy little oik?' she cried. Poor Nef Yoo tried to explain but no one had ever seen a tomato that big afore so Auntie gave him a slap an sent him ta bed wivout his coco.

Next day Nef Yoo had ta go down thee docks again to fetch Auntie some fresh sailors to abuse. Just as Nef Yoo passed under the sails of a big ship, he heard the shout again: 'Look out below!' Splat:

Image

Another giant tomato hit Nef Yoo smack in thee kisser!

This toim Nef Yoo was well miffed an he decided to find out where the Giant tomatoes were coming from. He crept up the gang plank and onto the ship. The scene wot greeted Nef Yoo's eyes wuz totally amazin...the ship was completely crewed by Giant vegetables. There were lots of Tomato sailors and the First mate was a Giant Corn Cob, the Bosun was a Corn Cob, the Carpenter was a Corn Cob and the Captain was a magnificent Mushroom.

'Welcome aboard matey' said the Mushroom Captain, 'What can I do fer ye'?

'Well' says Nef Yoo, 'Everytoim I passes yer ship, someone throws a Giant tomato at me head!'

"Arrrr, sorry about that,' says the Captain, 'we has to throw any crew members wot ave gone bad over board.'

'Oh dear,' says Nef Yoo, 'I fear a dreadful pun coming up but I've got to arsk thee question anyway...why throw the tomatoes away, why not the Corn?'

'Arrrgh,' says thee Capn, 'thee tomatoes are cheap but the Corn be a Buck an ear!'

Nef Yoo laughed...I have ta say it Capn...you're a FunGuy...

With that the Captain chucked another giant tomato at Nef Yoo:

Image

The End



*Poor ol Blackbeard nivver had no Nef Yoo cos he got his head lopped orf afore his toim.
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Re: Far fetched anecdotes of the sea.

Postby Nef Yoo BlackBeard » Thu Apr 16, 2009 3:09 pm

Unka Bart, dat neva hapnd. I tink you hadda tinky tom-mat-err fall on yur hed!
cabin boy fir hyer. jyint hat no hextra charj.

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Re: Far fetched anecdotes of the sea.

Postby TwistedSister » Thu Apr 16, 2009 6:03 pm

There you are you little runt.... I've been searching for you everywhere.
Where is my pizza???
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Re: Far fetched anecdotes of the sea.

Postby black bart » Fri Apr 17, 2009 3:58 am

Nef Yoo BlackBeard wrote:Unka Bart, dat neva hapnd. I tink you hadda tinky tom-mat-err fall on yur hed!


No ye br roight Nef Yoo on dis hocasshun I made thee tale up but...listen up wee laddy...there be be a lesson in that tale...nivver walk passed a shype full o vegetables wiv yer best giant hat on (or my shype for dat matter cos thee temptashun ud be too great).
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Re: Far fetched anecdotes of the sea.

Postby black bart » Thu May 28, 2009 5:45 am

As we're in Zombie mode at the moment I thought I'd re print this epic tale of Zombie Pirates:

The tale of the Magnificent Seven Zombie Pirates

There was once a tiny village in the Caribbean which was constantly plagued by raiding parties from the neighbouring islands and the sea. Their island was very fertile and also rich in minerals, coffee and cocoa...and the wenches were stunning. Because of the raids they were forced to pay out most of their wealth in protection money to a bunch of ruthless cutthroats who had evil plans for the village and its beautiful maidens. Then one year the harvests failed and the villagers had no money to pay the brigand chief, an evil Spaniard by the name of Don Juan Xavier Knickerzoff. Don Juan threatened to raise the village to the ground and to sell all the villagers into slavery unless they came up with the cash before the next Full Moon! The elders of the village called an emergency meeting to discuss their plight. They unanimously decided to send someone to the dark pirate heart of the Caribbean, Portsmouth, to recruit mercenaries to defeat Don Juan.

Many days went by and the moon was ever waxing. Suddenly a great ship drew up at the village harbour. The villagers crowded round in eager anticipation, including the beautiful wenches who, like the rest of the younger villagers, through many generations of inbreeding with Knuckles O’Shuffle had all developed very poor eye sight. A hush descended on the towns folk as the gang plank dropped down onto the Quay. One by one, with a great swagger and a glare from their un-patched eyes, seven magnificent pirates stepped off the ship.

First was the French pirate Captain Lafitte who raised his cutlass, shouted “Vive La France” and swallowed a huge lump of cheese. Second was the English pirate The Black Spot who waved a nasty looking blunderbuss in the air, shouted “Chelsea” and kicked Cap’n Walktheplank up the arse. Next came another English pirate the afore mentioned Captain Walktheplank, who flourished a pistol, shouted “Tottenham for the cup”, and got kicked up the arse again.

The gorgeous maidens all whispered “Look at his beautiful hair, there is no way it can be a wig.

Next came the Welsh pirate Black Bart who waved a vicious looking Leek in the air, shouted “Cymru am Byth” and his pet ‘Ivor the Engine’ Dragon, called Idris, hissed in approval. Next came the Australian Pirates Captain Dave L and Captain Oz Nick who whipped out their cricket bats shouted “Remember the Ashes” and set Walktheplank’s wig on fire! Finally came the Yanky pirate Captain Chow Mein who took out his brace of pistols, shouted “Remember the Alamo” and shot a Mexican Tourist who appened to be sun bathing on the beach.

The young villager’s hearts leapt into their mouths, never had they seen such magnificent warriors...”We are saved” they cried with one voice. The elders of the village, who did not suffer from the poor eye sight that afflicted the young, gasped in horror, never had they seen such a bunch of losers...”We are doomed” they all whispered, but it was too late to go back now.

Tomorrow would be the full moon!

That night the Pirates held a council of war. The elders insisted on the Pirates gathering at the end of the beach, because the smell was spoiling the tourist industry! The rum flowed.

“Arrrrr”, said The Black Spot “I votes we grab the wenches, steal the treasure and bugger off, all in favour, say aye”. “Non, non, non”, says Captain Lafitte, “We are onourable men, and besides, they ave not got any treasure, we must defeat Don Juan and then steal ‘his’ treasure.” “Look you, I’ve seen it all before”’ said Black Bart, “If we fire a few shots and shout a bit, the villagers will be inspired and they will do all the fighting for us.” “All agreed then cobbers’” said Cap’n Oz, “Anyone fer a game o cricket on the beach?” “I’ll toss for 1st innings”, said Knuckles O’Shuffle.

The morning of Don Juan’s attack dawned and the village elders strode out to check that the Pirate Warriors were ready. They were all lying face down on the beach in a drunken stupor! The chief village elder sighed “I knew this would happen, fetch the special Voodoo potion and put it in their Captain’s Delight bottle...Bwa ha Ha Ha...it will turn them into fiends!

The skies darkened above the village, a storm was brewing on the sea, and at that moment Don Juan and his cutthroats arrived. “Where is my monee you snivelling pig dog sons of a whore?” The terrified villagers fled into the hills leaving only the village elders to face Don Juan’s men. The chief elder spoke in a stuttering and trembling voice, “Don Juan, if you value your mens’ lives, do not come ashore...look there on the beach, we are plagued by Zombie Pirates!”

Don Juan followed the Chiefs pointing hand and gasped in horror. Stumbling towards him, their peg legs thumping unsteadily on the sand were seven dreadful apparitions. Their hideous contorted faces were bright green, their reeking clothes covered in vomit and fish stew. Walktheplank’s wig had fallen down over his eyes giving him the appearance of a seaweed covered fiend from the deep. The Black Spot was drinking a putrid brown liquid from his blunderbuss and shouting “Yarrrrd o Ale!” Captain’s Dave (resplendent in a bright pink dress) and Oz were comin toward Don Juan in a zig zag route, brandishing their cricket bats and shouting “The batsman’s Holding, the bowler’s Willy, Harr, Harr, harr...” Cap’n Chow Mein was crawling along the sand like some demented fiend Lobster shouting “I’m from the Raging Queen and gonna get ya”. Cap’n Lafitte had turned a livid green with a pair of Frog’s Legs sticking out of his mouth, and Black Bart had launched into his worst ever rendition of ‘My Pirgella’.

The petrified Spaniard staggered back in a futile attempt to escape the drunken Zombie pirates. With a scream he collapsed under the onslaught and they ripped off his head and ate his brains! The Zombie Pirates made short work of Don Juan’s crew and then turned back toward the village in a terrifying Green Tide of Death. As the Pirates approached, the Chief of the Elders sprinkled them with a magic powder which stopped them in their tracks. In a deep booming voice the chief commanded “You are the servants of Qualopec, Great God Under the Mountain, return now from whence ye came, er...where the hell did they come from, oh yes, go back to Portsmouth, I command ye Oh Magnificent ones, ye will forget all that has taken place here and you will never return...Begone!”

Four weeks later in the Admiral Benbow, Portsmouth, when the effects of the Zombie drug had finally worn off, the Magnificent Seven Pirates were sitting around a table, drinking and still ever so slightly green. “So”, said Black Bart, “None of that stuff actually happened at all?” “Non,” said Captain Lafitte “eet was all just a strange dream, an ve ave no idea ver ve got all zis treasure from.” “My wig still smells of sick”, said Captain Walktheplank, “My Blunderbuss don’t work no more”, said The Black Spot, “Ashes to ashes, Bwa ha ha ha” said Oz Nick and Dave L...

“Oh well”’ said Captain Chow Mein, “barman, we’ll have another seven ‘Brain Curries’...and make em nice n’hot!
The smoke wafted gently in the breeze across the poop deck and all seemed right in the world.

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the tale of a pirate telling a tale

Postby henry morgan » Thu May 28, 2009 8:38 pm

the captain walks into the tavern
ello cap'n 'ell us tat ol' stori u ben te'ling us fer the past few years
ther wunce wuz a pirat, ar he liv'd by see. he curs'd at landlubbers,
he eat'n the raw squid. he a pet lubstr, wich clun' to his nek
his beerd hung doawn to his enkles, he has no lubbers neith'r
a felk. he peris'd in a swwword fite. agenst netorius pirtate
bart, nev'r herd from again.

YArrrr.

the end

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Re: Far fetched anecdotes of the sea.

Postby Mad Willyum Bonney » Thu May 28, 2009 8:40 pm

ARRRRGH !

THaRRRR be a shivveRRRRR in be bonz !
Remembering St. John
Remembering Auntie DeeDee
Remembering Black Bart
Remembering Pieces o' Nine
Remembering Rainswept


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