Portsmouth Guaaaaaarrrrrrrrrdian for yer latest news

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black bart
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Re: Portsmouth Guaaaaaarrrrrrrrrdian for yer latest news

Postby black bart » Mon Sep 12, 2011 9:14 am

^ :facepalm:

Deer me...Brit Elkland has really let herself go.
The smoke wafted gently in the breeze across the poop deck and all seemed right in the world.

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Re: Portsmouth Guaaaaaarrrrrrrrrdian for yer latest news

Postby Roland Deschain » Mon Sep 12, 2011 11:40 am

Notty Local Shipowner Seen Exiting Madame Fifi's Three Times In Two Hours

A notty local shipowner, well-known in the community for his charitable acts, his love of rare cheeses and his rebellious younger relation, was seen yesterday exiting notorious gentlemans' establishment Madame Fifi's three times in two hours, a source told the Portsmouth Guaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrdian.

"I just happened to be standing outside the establishment in question when I saw the aforementioned gentleman exiting the front door. I couldn't believe who it was, I thought my eyes were deceiving me. I was then astonished to see him exit the front door again, although he definitely didn't go in that way in the intervening time," said our source.

It is believed that the notty shipowner enters the club through a secret passage somewhere near his ship, although another, inside, source told us that he entered the club through the back door, so the existence of this secret passage is pure speculation.

When questioned, the notty shipowner replied that we must be mistaken. When shown photographic evidence of this, he replied that he'd "...forgotten all about that, and I was just taking some money to a friend when he ran out of it. The fact that it took me 45 minutes to do so each time means nothing..."

We are currently in legal wranglings over publishing the photographs, but once they are 'shopped (pirate parlance for winning a legal battle over photos) they will be published immediately.
Roland Deschain - Half prophet, half gunslinger, all Pastafarian!

"Since Alexander Pearce escaped, over 250 people have disappeared in the Tasmanian wilderness. No remains have ever been found." - Dying Breed

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black bart
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Re: Portsmouth Guaaaaaarrrrrrrrrdian for yer latest news

Postby black bart » Fri Jan 13, 2012 6:57 am

New Long Winded Tale Damages Anglo, Scottish, Mexican, Spanish Relations Shock Horror.

The latest, entirely true, tale to appear in the Far fetched Anecdotes thread has managed to upset at least three nations across the globe. Never a man to court controversy the author 'Black Bart' has defended his tale saying: "I speak nought but thee truth and if I be lyin may I be struck down wiv a kidney stone."

The mayor of Portsmouth, Lord Borat Johnson has received complaints from the Scottish, Spanish and Mexican embassies (very difficult to spot amongst the wooden shacks near the harbour) alleging that the tale defames their nations and could result in war.

Black Bart is 26 and mayor Borat is 74.
The smoke wafted gently in the breeze across the poop deck and all seemed right in the world.

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Re: Portsmouth Guaaaaaarrrrrrrrrdian for yer latest news

Postby DavidH » Mon Apr 23, 2012 5:15 am

PIRATE CAPTAIN SUES PET SHOP

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Pyrit Cap'n Paddington today launched a lawsuit against Pyrit Pets of Rat Street concerning his new shoulder-parrot.
The Cap'n told our reporter Hezekiah Grotbucket, "I wish to make a complaint: this is a dead parrot. E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!!"

A spokesman for Pyrit Pets later stated that the Norwegian Blue was just tired and shagged out following a prolonged squawk, and was probably pining for the fjords.

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Re: Portsmouth Guaaaaaarrrrrrrrrdian for yer latest news

Postby pieces o'nine » Fri Apr 27, 2012 12:47 am

ERROL FLYNN PROMOTED
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Errol Flynn has been named Vice Admiral of Research and Development at Mad Moggies, Inc., a spokeswench for the corporation announced today.

Captain Pieces o'Nine praised Flynn's achievements, starting as cabin boy aboard the Mad Moggies Revenge, his critically acclaimed performances as a 'Hollywood Actor,' his recent triumphs in the pirate market with genuine polystyrene shrunken heads, and, most recently, his successful launch of *the* Must-Have item of the season, the Knork.

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Flynn was all smiles at the press conference, saying, "I owe everything to Captain Pieces o'Nine, pirate and wench par excellence. I am really looking forward to embarking upon this new stage in my career, back with the Mad Moggies family, showing those hacks at Bart Industries what a *real* world class marketing giant looks like. Please accept a complimentary knork on your way out -- be the first kid on your block to have one! Pardon? Why yes, I would be happy to autograph that for you!"
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black bart
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Re: Portsmouth Guaaaaaarrrrrrrrrdian for yer latest news

Postby black bart » Fri Apr 27, 2012 5:38 am

Knork launch overshadowed by events at Portsmouth Harbour.

Cap'n Cronan and Cap'n Greensmythe Smith endorse Bart Industries Revolushunaree Shyppe Design.

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Cronan and Smith seen here at the inhawgural launch of thee design and prototype had no hesitashun ta speak out in support o thee new shyppe after a barrel o rum each:

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Cronan: I (hic) think ish wunerful an there be no way fer it ta be sunk by annuvver iceberg...tis unsinkabububbbble I tells ye!

Smith: Ish very henvironmentallee frenlee an all. I luv (hic) pengooons.

Black Bart: Shuv that up yer knork Flynn!
The smoke wafted gently in the breeze across the poop deck and all seemed right in the world.

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Re: Portsmouth Guaaaaaarrrrrrrrrdian for yer latest news

Postby pieces o'nine » Mon Jun 25, 2012 5:14 pm

Thee Notorious Black Spot Seen in Portsmouth!
Details at 11:00...
I will honor Monkey in my heart, and try to keep it all the year.
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black bart
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Re: Portsmouth Guaaaaaarrrrrrrrrdian for yer latest news

Postby black bart » Mon Jun 25, 2012 5:25 pm

:shocked:

Lock up yer cabin boys, yer grog, yer treasure an yer knorks!
The smoke wafted gently in the breeze across the poop deck and all seemed right in the world.

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Re: Portsmouth Guaaaaaarrrrrrrrrdian for yer latest news

Postby Mad Willyum Bonney » Mon Jun 25, 2012 11:33 pm

pieces o'nine wrote:Thee Notorious Black Spot Seen in Portsmouth!
Details at 11:00...


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Re: Portsmouth Guaaaaaarrrrrrrrrdian for yer latest news

Postby DaveL » Tue Jun 26, 2012 8:30 am

YArrr...

It can't be true, Oi last saw him in New Portsmouth. Has he been chasin' Pirgella or sumthin?
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black bart
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Re: Portsmouth Guaaaaaarrrrrrrrrdian for yer latest news

Postby black bart » Tue Jun 26, 2012 11:19 am

I suggests we barricade ourselves in the Benbow Cellar...he'll almost certainly have Cronan with him! I be sure to owe him money! I've been livin orf his bar tab for munths :shocked:
The smoke wafted gently in the breeze across the poop deck and all seemed right in the world.

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Re: Portsmouth Guaaaaaarrrrrrrrrdian for yer latest news

Postby Roland Deschain » Thu Jun 28, 2012 8:15 am

black bart wrote:I suggests we barricade ourselves in the Benbow Cellar...

There be an halternative motive 'ere, but oi can't quite put me 'ook on it. :haha:
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Re: Portsmouth Guaaaaaarrrrrrrrrdian for yer latest news

Postby The Black Spot » Thu Jun 28, 2012 8:40 am

Olympic Torch Arrives in Portsmouth

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There was great excitement in Portsmouth last night when the Olympic flame arrived in the city. Crowds of locals cheered as Olympian Lord Seb Cohen held the torch aloft. The cheering continued as Cohen then ran through the town pursued by a gang of pirates.

Desperate to escape, Cohen flung the Olympic torch into a haystack and got away as the fire spread and burned down half the town.

Mayor Borat Johnston said the event had been "a great success" and "had significantly raised Portsmouth's profile". He also said that the ferrymen would not be getting an Olympic bonus despite the fact that everyone else was.

Christopher Lee is 92.

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Re: Portsmouth Guaaaaaarrrrrrrrrdian for yer latest news

Postby anthrobabe » Tue Jul 10, 2012 2:51 pm

Ye lot will not be hidin in me cellar this time!

I tholt ye to leaves dat torch wench be and ye jus had to sidle over and try and be friendly.

In other news Admiral Qwerty be spotted round Oxford sportin shorter locks-- he must 'ave gotten is air tied to madam fifs dinin table again.
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Re: Portsmouth Guaaaaaarrrrrrrrrdian for yer latest news

Postby The Black Spot » Thu Jul 19, 2012 5:26 am

High Alert at Olympics over suspicious vehicle


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Security services were at full alert last night after a man attempted to drive what police described as a "suspicious vehicle" to the beach volleyball venue.

The driver, Mr O'Shuffle, was issued with a warning, and was given a stern lecture by the vicar.


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