Second Letter of Shortbeard the Pirate

Submit your scriptural writings for inclusion in the Loose Canon, and your tales of ancient FSM Lore, as well as any other FSM-related writing you may have.

Moderator: All Things Mods

Conchigliette Convert
Posts: 6
Joined: Thu Apr 06, 2006 10:23 am

Second Letter of Shortbeard the Pirate

Postby shortbeard_the_pirate » Wed Jun 28, 2006 11:33 pm

1: Yar, ‘twas revealed to me in a dream the origins of that shrill harpy Ann Coulter. Verily, ‘twas no dream that brought to mine mind’s eye that shrieking she-man beast, but a nightmare!

2: A vision of divine clarity filled me whilst I slumbered, though ‘twas strange and terrible to behold. Wakefulness would have been a blessing, yet the vision continued to unfold.

3: Such clarity! No rum, no Holy Oregano alone could have sent me this dream, surely His Noodliness meant for me to see.

4: ‘Twas shown me no human womb, no matter how vile, verily, not even the one that borne Dr. Atkins himself, could have spawned such a monstrosity as Ann Coulter.

5: Nay! Only a power greater than man could have wrought such a force of obnoxiousness!

6: His Noodliness shown me a calamity that occurred decades ago. I was taken to Heaven in my dream.

7: Such joy filled me! The balmy breeze brought to mine nostrils the malty scent spewed forth from the distant Beer Volcano. I grasped for me mug, but ‘twas only a dream - strong though it was!

8: A flash! Lacy things and leather boots of impractical tallness of heel and eyelets innumerable surrounded me. ‘Twas the Stripper Factory!

9: Something was amiss! Lights flashed, klaxons sounded, smoke belched, screams filled mine ears!

10: The assembly line had ground to a halt. ‘Twas a sad place: a Stripper Factory with no strippers, bosoms abounce in taut lace!

11: In mine vision, A young engineer was brought before His Noodliness, his knees a-quake before the awesome power of the Creator.

12: His Noodliness was none too pleased, His appendages al dente in tense anger.

13: His Noodliness held aloft a woman of sorts; bony, angular, oddly masculine, shrill and of effusive obnoxiousness.

14: Recognition came upon me slowly, like the variety of Holy Oregano called “creeperâ€￾ in some circles.

15: ‘Twas none other than Ann Coulter being held aloft in His Noodly Appendages, which quaked with displeasure.

16: Unspoken and deafeningly loud, His Noodliness addressed the young engineer; in mine dream I was made privy to hear.

17: “What, in the name of all that is starchy, were you thinking?â€￾ His Noodliness demanded of the engineer.

18: “Can you not see this one is far too bony and masculine, to say nothing of her shrill obnoxiousness!â€￾

19: “This is supposed to be Heaven!â€￾ His Noodliness continued. “Why would you design in a man’s Adam’s apple on a stripper?â€￾

20: A pool grew around the young engineer’s feet. His shame seemed to quell His Noodliness’ anger.

21: “Be still, mine child,â€￾ His Noodliness intoned, calmer now. “Some men are best at making the pasta, whilst others are best at making the sauce.â€￾

22: “Ye shall not be punished, mine child. Reassigned, yes, but not punished - be calm,â€￾ His Noodliness told the young engineer, who rejoiced at His words.

23: “As for this,â€￾ His Noodliness continued, holding the ghastly, wretched, prototype stripper, one that would thankfully never be put into full production, in his Noodly Appendage. “This simply must go. Yech!â€￾

24. With a flick of His Noodly Appendage, the repulsive stripper prototype was cast down from Heaven.

25: It landed in New York City, circa 1961 and from there, grew only more annoying.

User avatar
Posts: 2251
Joined: Fri Sep 16, 2005 10:51 pm
Location: London

Postby Griffin » Wed Jun 28, 2006 11:56 pm

Is this blasphemy?
Grand Deducer Watson of Sherlock. NoName, no pack drill. Astral zone changed five times a day (flexible). Great at manifesting parking spaces by thought control. Hatred of terminology of survivors and commitment to win-win reality.

User avatar
Humble Hermit
Posts: 1459
Joined: Fri Nov 04, 2005 7:29 am
Location: Denham Springs, LA

Postby LibraLabRat » Thu Jun 29, 2006 12:51 am

I dunno about blasphemy, but it is moderately funny.

Maybe only a few years of washing up.?
'There are no atheists in foxholes' isn't an argument against atheism, it's an argument against foxholes."
-James Morrow

Return to “Scripture and Lore”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 2 guests