Scurvy Fleet Disciplinary Board Proceedings

[black bart]

I've heard of ...'The QUEEN'S council'...yer honour, but this is rediculous...

...a singing judge!

Where did alll the evidence come from...The Singing detective I suppose??!!!!!

[OZ_Nick]

The Clerk of the Court appeared wearing a full radiation suit and took the proferred "undergarments" from Bart using a long pair of heavy tongs.

He left the court house to the cries of abject terror from outside the building and proceeded to the local toxic waste dump. When he threw the "undergarments" into the dump the rest of the toxic waste made a run for it and was last seen heading in the direction of Cap'n Cronin's latest ship which was sinking just outside the harbour entrance. Better the devil you know than the one you are afraid you might get to know.

Slowly and carefully the crowd returned to the courtroom.

Captain Jack turned to Bart and gave him a serious look.

Captain Jack: You'd better hurry, the second half of the Piratica v Italy match is about to start. Make sure you're back here right after the game. Case adjourned until tomorrow at 0800 hours.

[black bart]

YYYAAARRRR...Shut that there Court Room door...the wind is whistlin in off the solent and straight up me robes!!!

[The Black Spot]

Captain Jack reconvened the court.

Captain Jack:Right then, the second half's finished and there's now a five minute interval before the start of extra time. Tell me Bart, is there any remorse in your heart? Do you have anything to say? Or shall I have you hung now so I can get back to the game?

[black bart]

Bart looks worried...

Swatopluk takes the penalties, Dave L is the manager, Walktheplank is nimble in his running shoes, Griffin is like the wind down the wing, E Razer is an enigma within an enigma, OZ_Nick has got his bouncy peg legs, the Black Spot is a mindless killer in midfield...

There must be some reason why they need me in the team...

"Just a minute yer honour...I've got a text comin through from Roberto Carlos"...

Black Bart is much better at taking free kicks than I ever was, Oh Yes he is the best, do not be put off by his inability to score from a yard out...

Yes, er yes my mate Roberto there...just dropping me a line as usual...

*Nervous laugh from Bart*

[DaveL]

'Right then, off you go. And make sure you score or I will have you hung...'

[black bart]

*Whif of burning Peg leg as Bart disapears from the Court Room at the speed of an AARRRGH 9000 with a Ferrarri engine!*

[Griffin]

The courtroom was empty and strangely silent. Then the door burst open and a chorus of Bridesmaids entered signing:

Chorus
Every day, as the days roll on,
Bridesmaids' garb we gaily don,
Sure that a maid so fairly famed
Can't long remain unclaimed.
Hour by hour and day by day,
Several months have passed away,
The football pitch doth leave us widows
Before we've even wed our fellows.

Reprieve
Pirgella, all glowing
With virgin blushes, say--
Is anybody going
To marry you to-day?

Chief Bridesmaid:
To an eternal maidenhood!
Many years ago I was betrothed to a god-like youth who woo'd me under an assumed name.
But on the very day upon which our wedding was to have been celebrated,
I discovered that he was no other than Black Bart, one of the bad Pirates of Portsmouth.
As a son of that accursed race he was no husband for an honest girl, so, madly as I loved him, I left him then and there.

The maids fell to the ground, weeping.

[OZ_Nick]

Captain Jack (the keelhauling Judge) was visibly moved by this sorry tale.

Clearly Black Bart was a worse character than even a judge of Jack's immense experience could have guessed. As he pondered how to respond to this piteous plea, Cap'n Jack wondered to himself why it was that the lead maiden appeared to have such hairy legs and a five o'clock shadow. But darker thoughts soon brushed those concerns away.

Captain Jack: Bring Black Bart back here immediately!

[Griffin]

As Captain Jack scratched his head, a scuffle broke out amongst the maidens. Captain Jack glanced over and saw that the Chief Bridesmaid was wearing a fetching green spandex dress. Odd, he thought, as he could have sworn she had been clad in pink just moments before.

[OZ_Nick]

Captain Jack looked out over the courtroom, why was that crewman up the back with the suspicious looking pakage wearing a concrete tutu? Who painted the courtroon a delicate shade of pink with bright purple spots when Jack wasn't looking? Why had the prosecutor turned into a chicken? He looked at the chief bridesmaid who stood before him, her ample bosom heaving with emotion, or was it two bags of weavels? Captain Jack could not be sure.

Slowly he began to wonder just what had been in that Red Cow sandwhich DaveL had given him for lunch.

Gradually Captain Jack began to sink down behind the bench. He was sure the little blue men that had just run into the courtroom, wearing what looked like tiny kilts, hadn't seen him, but he was carefull not to draw attention to himself incase they had. He began to hear strange voices saying things like "Gerrof yer great lummox" and "Ave ye seen wee willie?" and "Did ye remember to bring any o' Granny's ship linament?" in tiny high pitched voices, yet incredibly no one else seemed to notice.

Captain Jack was becoming very afraid.

[The Black Spot]

The visions grew worse. Captain Jack's brain worked feverishly - he had to purge his body of the Red Cow sandwich. But what could he use? What could possibly be strong enough to burn the noxious substances from his system?

In desperation, he reached out for Exhibit A.

[walktheplank]

Exhibit A was wrapped in a heavy duty plastic cover. Nervously Cap'n Jack removed the wrapping and a strange smell began to circulate the courtroom.

Black Bart cried out "Cap'n Jack, put the wrapping back on that now. This is the remains of My Fish head Stew from 96 which wiped out half of Portsmouth"

However it was to late and a deadly toxic aroma filled the courtroom. 10 Minutes later Dave L burst in and discovered the unconscious bodies, there was only one thing to do....

[DaveL]

...bust Bart out of custody and get him on a ship to Van Diemans Land. As DaveL undid the manacles, a Dutch female voice called from outside. 'Take me with you Barty darlink, called Gidget VoP.

[black bart]

NO... Your Worshipness...Anything but that...

Not Transportation to the Colonies!!!!!!

I'd rather hang!