Far fetched anecdotes of the sea.

[black bart]

YYYYAAARRRR It was a foggy day when I was visitin me Great Aunt Bathsheba in Cornwall...I were on me way to the Pilchard Inn when out o the fog came a dreadfull apparition....

GGGGGAAARRRR it was him...Capn Cronan...

The Horror of seeing him turned me lovely Locks as White as Snow!!!!!

But I managed to take this horrible shot o the ghostly figure comin out of the mist:

[The Black Spot]

The Shadow of Cronan

There be but one name that strikes fear into the heart o' any pirate - the name o' Cap'n Cronan. 'Ee were not feared fer his evil ways, nor his vile temper. 'Ee were not e'en feared for his ghastly appearance. No, 'ee were feared fer 'is ability to send even the most seaworthy craft straight to the bottom.

Cap'n Cronan were from a long line o' seafarers. It seemed like every maritime disaster in history 'ad a Cronan onboard. From the first time a neolithic man overturned his hollowed out log, to the sinkin' o' the Titanic, ye could guarantee that a Cronan were involved somewhere.

I recalls a story when Cap'n Cronan captured a vessel in the North Atlantic. The boardin' party took the ship, slaughtered everyone, an threw the bodies o'er the side. This were the standard practice of Cap'n Cronan's crew.

Everything were goin' well until Cap'n Cronan decided he wanted to go aboard his prize. When Cap'n Cronan set foot on the captured ship, the crew were filled wi' terror. Any ship that Cap'n Cronan set foot on - apart from 'is own ship o' course - were destined fer Davey Jones' Locker. The crew immediately launched the lifeboat an abandoned the captured ship.

The crew's relief were short lived though. Cap'n Cronan wondered what were happening, so he jumped in the lifeboat too. Five seconds later, the lifeboat sank an drowned the lot o' them - except Cap'n Cronan who managed to drift ashore by clingin' on to a passin' beercrate.

The captured ship drifted away, silent an crewless. It were called the Marie Celeste.

[black bart]

It looks like he were just an apparition arter all - no sign o Capn Cronan since his last visitation...thanks be to Neptune!

[black bart]

The story of How Walktheplank got his name...

Twere many years ago afore Capn Walktheplank were even a lowly midshipman. A scurvy and leaky old hulk struggled out o harbour with a crew o the worst bunch o mutinous dogs ever to set sail. They were bound for a life o piracy on the high seas.

One night the crew were called together for a general Piracy Induction course. After showin the crew members the art o throttling, stabbing and slashing, the captain sais:

"I wants a vounteer to try out me new Plank, all those in favour take one step forward..."

The scurvy blaggards all took a quick step backwards except our hero cos he's been glued to the deck with congealed Fish Head Stew! "Ha har," sais the Capn, " ye'll do nicely, I'll just check the sharks are still circling the boat."

With a cutlass proddin at his nether regions our hero edged out onto the plank which began to bend with his weight and he looked down at the ravenous sharks below! Luckily for him though he was wearin his special marathon runnin shoes made of super bouyant nike air technology. Before he tipped over the edge he leaped up into the air, bounced off the end o the plank and came crashin down on the unsuspectin Captain killing him outright!

He was made Captain at once by the amazed crew and ever more was known as: Capn Walktheplank - the only man ever to survive walking the plank.

[walktheplank]

aye but I have to thank Bart for me promotion to Cap'n as it was his Fish Head Stew that set loike concrete and meant I was stuck to the deck.

From that moment on I insisted that all me crew have Bart's Fish Head stew daily and despite 20 mutiny's and 200 attempts on me life they be a happy bunch.

[walktheplank]

The Mystery that is The Black Spot

Who is The Black Spot? We know him as the Hard Man of Piratica who combines barnstorming runs through quaking defenders with organising crowd riots, cutlass dripping with the blood of anyone who gets in his way.

What of his reputation as a fearsome Pirate Cap’n who leads his crew through plunder and pillage and metes out violent retribution to anyone who does not do what he is told. His crew are enticed to his ship by the attractive rewards, be it treasure or wenches and grog a plenty. The problem is that the only swabs that leave Spot’s ship are thrown to the sharks, 12 weeks is the average life span of a swab on Spot’s ship and none have lived to reveal the mystery behind the real Spot.

Or have they….Recently over grog and a wench at Madame Fifi’s I came across a nervous fellow who claimed that he was the only person to escape from Spot’s Ship alive. He has been in hiding ever since with Spot looking for him in every port from Manila to Havana. His tale of one week on Spot’s ship will surely confirm Spot’s reputation as the most evil blaggard ever to sail the seven seas.

Fernando was a poor Cuban from Havana and stowed away in the hold on Spot’s ship hoping for free passage to America. Unfortunately for him he was discovered by one of Spot’s swabs who heard him breaking wind. He was taken to Spot and fortunately for him was enlisted in the crew as Spot had lost 6 swabs earlier who had been thrown to the sharks after it was discovered they were Welsh.

Fernando described the initiation ceremony when he was tied up and had one of his legs removed by Spot’s cutlass. He was then given a peg leg several sizes to small, “yer cannot run away from me easy loikeâ€￾ was Spot’s comment.

Several days later Fernando witnessed Spot capture another ship by attacking it with cannon fire and Spot then launched a one man invasion force (himself). The result was 200 dead crew and another horde of treasure captured before he set the ship on fire, this killed off all those who didn’t find the point of Spot’s cutlass.

Spot had a routine, 5 floggings a day except Sunday when there was only 4 “I am good to me crew and am to soft on themâ€￾ was his comment on Sundays. These vicious beatings were administered by Spot himself and usually resulted in 10 dead bodies being thrown to the Sharks. If you moved or made a noise you would also visit the sharks. After a while Spot got bored and anyone left awaiting a flogging was also thrown to the Sharks.

After a week of vicious beatings Fernando vowed to escape and crept on to the deck having sighted an Island in the distance. However, he fell over a large object on the floor it was Spot himself who had gorged himself on Rum. Spot woke up enraged and threw poor Fernando overboard there and then. Surrounded by Sharks Fernando thought his number was up but before they could attack him a small blue dolphin appeared and suddenly the sharks scattered. The dolphin made a sign for Fernando to get on its back and he was carried to the Island he had spotted earlier.

Fernando spent three months on the remote Island before he was picked up by a kind but ghoulish Cap’n named Cronan and taken back to Havana. However, word got out that he was still alive and Spot has searched for him in every port vowing revenge on the swab who dared escape.

Fernando leads a nomadic life moving on from port to port always wary that Spot will catch him eventually. I promised that I would not reveal that I had seen him in Portsmouth and I left him marvelling in his curious tale of the legendary exploits of The Black Spot.

[black bart]

Nuts in Transit

Many a year ago I was sailin to the Americas with a cargo of Old Folk bound to visit they're loved ones in the colonies. As I stood proudly on the deck of me ship steerin her through the briny one o the old uns came up and offered me a handfull o peanuts...

I munched em down gratefully and thanked the old dear who disapeared back below.

A little later in the voyage the old dear appeared again and offered me some more peanuts. Again I munched the nuts and stared contentedly out to sea.

When the old lady appeared for the fourth time I munched the peanuts but I was curious and I asked her why the old Folk didn't eat the nuts themselves. She replied that they were all so old they had no teeth so they couldn't chew the peanuts.

'Well alright', sais I, 'but why have you brought the nuts with you on the voyage.

'Well', sais the old dear...'We just love the chocolate that they're covered in!'

[DaveL]

The Adventures of Tiddles The Mutineering Cat – Part 3

Thus it came to pass that Tiddles had embarked upon a new career of Evil. Followin’ his pact with the evil bilge rats, a new plan was hatched…Mutiny!! (cue rolling thunderstorm noise) For all it was worth, Tiddles would betray his former master Capn DaveL in a dastardly ‘Bilge Ratty’ plan.

One night while asleep in his bed, Capn Dave did hear the distressed cries of his beloved former puss. His did thus take Tiddles inside his cabin for a saucer of milk. All looked well with Tiddles, except for his glowing red eyes. Feeling contented, Capn Dave’s ole puss curled up on the cushions and slept. Then at midnight, Capn DaveL though he heard some muffled instructions uttered in muffled cat language ‘Execute Order 667’.

The Bilge Rats, also bein’ Evil had chewed a gaping hole in the Aarrghh 9000 armaments store. The liberated weapons were used by the Bilge Rats to roundup the entire Aarrghh 9000 crew. ‘Lock ‘em up down below’ said Lefty Bilge Rat…’we’re taking over this ship and all its cargo’.

After a sound night sleep, Capn DaveL did awake to Tiddles curled up on the end of the bed. ‘Yarrrr, what can Oi get yer Tiddles me ole friend?' To which Tiddles, bein Evil replied ‘Scala balla anrfala zetoomoo edapana Satan, Satan’ 'Yarrrr…O’id be layin’ off those cat biscuits you been snortin’ up yer nose, said Capn DaveL. To which Tiddles replied by producin’ a musket which he pointed at DaveL’s head. ‘Okey Dokey Tiddles, I’ll lay off the cat biscuit jokes’ said Capn DaveL. To which Tiddles then gestured for DaveL to put his hands up and march to the lockup below.

Tiddles execution of Order 667 had been a total success and he grinned from whisker to whisker. His dream had been realised. For no longer was he a humble puss on the lower decks. For he had become what no other sea faring cat had achieved, to become commander of his own ship. Thoughts of a reunion with Meow Seetung, his true love now filled his heart.

And the Bilge Rats did quake in their boots at the sight of their former enemy.

FOR TIDDLES HAD BECOME THEIR LORD AND MASTER!

[OZ_Nick]

All through the next three days, Cap'n DaveL and his crew heard the sound of the bilge rats being drilled in their new duties by Tiddles. On the fourth day, the hatch to the hold was thrown back and Cap'n DaveL and his men were marched out at cutlass point and set adrift in the ship's long-boat with only two small half empty casks of fetid water and a box of out of date hard-tack. As the miserable swabs looked on Tiddles set a new course and the last thing Cap'n DavL and his men saw in the fading light was the glow from Tiddles evil red eyes as the Aaarrrgghh 9000 sailed over the horizon.

What fiendishly evil new plan has Tiddles embarked on now?

How will Cap'n DaveL make it back in time for the game against Italy?

Will Pirgella ever see DaveL again?

Who really made the Rede Cowe sandwiches?

For this and much much more, stay tuned Pirate fans, all will be revealed in the next great installment of The Adventures of Tiddles The Mutineering Cat.

[black bart]

The Legend o Davy Jones's Locker

First o all it were nothin to do with him in the Monkees. I had a good chat with Capn Cronan afore he disapeared again and he should know he's sent more men to Davy Jones's Locker than Neptune imself!

I myself ave come close to permanantly residin in the depths on more than one occasion, but here's what I've heard.

There's that blood thirsty pirate Walktheplank - is his real name...David Jones, does he make his captives walk the plank and is he really Welsh?

Some say Jones was a Tavern owner who used to get his punters drunk, stick em in his locker and then get em 'Press Ganged' out to sea. A likely story this one and it's how I gets hold o most o my unfortunate crew.

I reckons the stories were invented by Welsh sailors, and the name is a combination o Wales's Saint David and a corruption of Jonah the fish dweller from the bible.

[The Black Spot]

The Tell Tale Hook

Once there was an evil pirate called Cut-throat Jake. We all has our faults, but Jake were a right bastid. Everywhere 'ee turned, there were enemies. They were lurkin' in bushes, pouncin' from doorways, hidin' in cupboards... Things got so bad, that 'ee couldn't even sit on the toilet wi'out lookin' behind him.

Jake needed t' know if there were some way to outwit his enemies.

So off 'ee went t' see an old gypsy woman 'oo were a fortune teller. 'Ee sat by her campfire, crossed her palm wi' silver, an held out his hook for 'er to examine.

"So," said Jake. "Which o' me enemies will do me in?"

The old lady caressed his hook and studied it. "No man or woman shall kill you," she said.

Jake cheered up a bit. "Will someone set me a trap?"

The old woman peered closely at the hook. "There is nothing in the whole world that can kill you," she said. "In fact, I can see many happy years ahead."

Jake was jubilant. He stood up and laughed. He was the king of the world - all his enemies would tremble before him!

Then suddenly, a meteorite hit him on the head and smashed him flatter than a bed bug.

His hook however, was passed from pirate to pirate and enjoyed a long and happy existence.

[black bart]

The Thickest Crew what I ever had...

YYYAAARRR I’ve had some thickos in me crew but the crew of 74 were a real bunch o no hopers! Three o them were particularily hopeless and the ship’s carpenter Paddy was the daftest of the daftest. One afternoon we were sailin out o Portsmouth when the Bosun, Wayne, unpacks his lunch and wails:
Oh no…not Weevily biscuits again, I’ll be darned if me misses doesn’t give me a change tomorra!
Then his pal, the first mate Jock, unpacks his lunch and shouts:
Och no…Weevily biscuits…by my Sporran I’ll fillet that wench if I gets the same again tomorrow!
Then Paddy opens his lunch and shouts:
Begorrra…if I gets weavily biscuits again tomorrow, I’ll throw meself to the sharks!

Next day at lunch time it was a similar tale…
Wayne unpacks his lunch and sais:
Cheese, I likes a bit o cheese.

Jock unpacks his lunch and sais:
Chicken…och I love a bit o breast!

Then Paddy opens his lunch and…
Begorra, bejesus…Weevily biscuits…
And with that poor Paddy jumped into the shark infested water and was eaten alive!

With heavy hearts we sailed back to Portsmouth to break the sad news to Mrs Paddy.

We knocked on the door, Mrs Paddy answered and we told her the sad news, that Paddy had taken his own life…

Mrs Paddy burst into tears and wailed:

I’s don’t believe it…

…he was foine when he was packin his weevily biscuits t’other day!

[DaveL]

Tiddles the Mutineering Cat – Part 4 The Merchant Menace: Attack of the Tiddles

Thus it came to pass that Tiddles was now the sole skipper of the Arghhh 9000. And Tiddles and his Bilge Rats did thus abandon Capn DaveL and his stunned crew on a sandy island in the Mediterranean to fend for themselves. ‘O’ill get you Tiddles!!’ screamed DaveL as the Arrghhh 9000 disappeared over the horizon.

Now with Miao See Tung (MST) by his side, Tiddles was indeed a very happy ole tomcat!! Miao had been busy renovating the Argghh 9000, already complaining that too many men aboard had made it all swarthy lookin’. She took to refurbishing their Captain's cabin with great zeal, while Tiddles stood at the wheel.

The Arghhh 9000 Jolly Roger was replaced with a cats skull and the main sail had a large cat, with the slogan sayin' ‘Don’t feed me plain cat food’ emblazoned on it.

The Bilge Rats for their mutinous part were promised great reward. A ship, the ‘Bella Rosa’ laden with fine gourmet produce was to set sail from the port of Marseille. Tiddles had word ‘Bella Rosa’ was to sail unescorted to Rotterdam, where it would supply the courts of Europe with fine gourmet produce. A 30% cut was promised for continued Bilge Rat loyalty. Tiddles would turn a fine profit selling the remainder on the black market.

Tiddles rerouted the Argghh 9000 to the south of France to intercept the ‘Bella Rosa’. On board the complacent Bella Rosa crew were busy drinking red wine from the bottle and cutting baguettes with their daggers. In the shining moonlight a cat with glowing red eyes stood strutting tall on the bow. ‘Hand over your produce or we’ll send you to the bottom Sir’ said Tiddles to the Captain.’ Captain Marcel Bespignon sniggered…’Soh whose eez er nice leetle poosie then? ‘Ere keety keety keety! The entire crew burst into laughter.

‘SHUT YOUR TRAP MERCHANTMEN. NOW GIVE ME YOUR FINEST CHEESE OR YOUR ALL DEAD, DEAD, DEAD!!! screamed Tiddles.

Authors Note: Tiddles is scary when angry. In fact very, very scary!

The Bella Rosa crew scurried quickly to open the hatches laden with fine produce. Just then the Bilge Rats swooped from ropes onto the decks. Bugsy Bilge Rat said ‘Holey schmoley, I ain’t eaten anything like this before’ Left Bilge Rat replied ‘Do you think those Frenchies have any Alka Seltzer?

The entire stores of the Bella Rosa were emptied. ‘Now get in your life boats Mon Ami's, your ship is descending to a watery grave.’ Tiddles lit a fuse to a powder keg, which was descended below the deck. ‘Adieu, Bonsoir! said Tiddles, dipping his hat and swinging from a rope, where he returned to the Arghh 9000.

The French crew scrambled madly ran for their life boats, while others dived over the sides. Within 30 seconds the fuse had reached it’s explosive destination – KABOOM!!

‘I weel get yer Teedles!! screamed Captain Bespignon.

Tiddles life of evil had taken a new turn. As he surveyed the carnage from his main deck. As the Bella Rosa sunk to the bottom he laughed maniacly MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH.

The Bilge Rats began eating some delicious Brie, with nice crackers and a Bordeaux wine. ‘These are high times indeed!' said Shifty Bilge Rat.

Tiddles life of crime on the high seas began in earnest. But his promise to spare the Bella Rosa in exchange for booty was broken. When the survivors returned to Marseille, word of his crime spread like wild fire. There was now a price on his head. FOR TIDDLES WAS A MARKED OLE PUSS!!

[walktheplank]

Many years ago before The Black Spot became an evil tyrant, Black Bart became a bad cook and Walk the Plank became a fitness guru they used to travel the seven seas together pillaging and plundering.

On one trip they were working their way through the Mediterenean stopping at ports and relieving wealthy merchants of their valuables. Some put up a fight but not many as The Black Spot was so adept with his cutlass. All over the Med the terrible trio went from Athens in the East through Malta, Rome, Palermo and Marseille building up a vast hoard of booty along the way.

Then on a sunny day things changed when they pulled into the harbour in the small town of Mahon on the Spanish Island of Menorca. The town was completly deserted and it had been ransacked. The trio were shocked someone had got there before them. As they continued West they found the same scenario. The big cities of Spain, Barcelona and Valencia were completly deserted and ransacked. Finally they reached Cadiz where amongst the destruction they met a wizened old man who had escaped the carnage.

The old man was scared rigid and could not speak through shaking. He said one word before keeling over and dying

"CRONAN"


To be continued later in the week......

[walktheplank]

In the next port Lisbon, Walk the Plank, The Black Spot and Black Bart came across an old man who was able to reveal the mystery of Cronan who at the time was unknown within the Pirate Community.

"He be a ruthless blaggard" said the old timer "but it be worse than that, he is not of this world and he curses all those who cross his path. He has gone across the Atlantic and he is going to ruin the Pirate trade fer you varmints"

"I´ll skin yer with me cutlass you lying blaggard" said Spot "what do yer mean by cursing"

"It be true" said the old man "If you don´t lift the curse you enter his netherworld which is between loife and death and you are cursed to live loike that for all eternity"

"How do you lift the curse" said a disbelieving Black Bart

"Only one way I know" said the old man and in an instant he rammed a cutlass in his belly and his life flowed out of him there and then.

"What do we do now" said Walk the Plank "I don´t want to be a ghost, lets stay well clear of him"

"arrgh ye stinking cowardly varmint" spat The Black Spot "he be ruining our trade and I be for scouring the Seven Seas until Cronan sees the point of me cutlass"

So it was an Atlantic crossing where no doubt more thrills lie ahead for our intrepid heroes.

To be continued.....