Far fetched anecdotes of the sea.

[black bart]

The Origins of Fish Head Stew

As became apparent in the recent 'Scurvy Fleet Disciplinary Hearing' the man with the doubtful honour of being called 'The Inventor of Fish Head Stew' is Capn Dave L. Why the blaggard wasn't strung up in a gibbet at the entrance to Portsmouth harbour, I'll never know. However the recipe for this dreadful concoction was usurped by one 'Black Bart' a scurvy knave who has made a fortune from the export of the foul substance to Navys and Fleets accross the Seven Seas.

Here we have a secret image of the inside of Bart's factory. Dave L was recently given a directorship in Bart Industries and promoted to Head of Quality Control:




One can only be shocked at the suffering involved in this foul industry but apparently no animals were miss treated or injured during the production of the stew...apart from the Fish of course!

[DaveL]

YArrrr...

Tiddles looks like he's sufferin' there as well.

[black bart]

He's eaten your parrot for lunch!

[walktheplank]

So through storm and gale the gallant pirates made their way across the Atlantic in their little boat in the days before any of them had their own ship.

Eventually three months later they sighted land and exhausted they went ashore. However it was a deserted Island and after a well earned rest they were about to move on when The Black Spot found a slip of paper on the sand.

"This be a sign" said Spot "Cap'n Cronan has been here"

"How can yer tell" said Bart "It is completly blank

"ye fool, can yer not tell it has Cronan's smell" said Spot "The smell of death"

"Yes but how can yer tell where e has been" said Walk the Plank

"It be simple" said Spot and threw the slip of paper in the air where a gust of wind blew it 20 yards away "He as gone North West"

"How can ye tell that's where e as gone, e could ave been ere months ago, the wind would ave changed direction since then" Black Bart was becoming exasperated by now.

"Now listen ere" said Spot "This is a story right and we be the heroes, so there as to be a clue fer us an this be it, Now where does North West tek us"

Black Bart looked blank, map reading was not is strongest suit (then again what was) but Walk the Plank came to the rescue, "e is in Jamaica only 2 days sail from ere"

So 2 days later the Pirates dropped anchor in Jamaica and went ashore. After finding a bar and sampling the local grog, they began to ask around. However, no one had heard of Cronan and they were on the verge of giving up when a large lady approached them "I can help yer fellows find Cronan" she said

"Who be you" said Spot

"My name be Brenda" she said and though the lads did not know it, she was to become known as the legendary Big Brenda though in those early days she was small being only 6' 4" and 300 lbs

"His ship is a few miles down the coast" she added "I'll tek yer there now"

So could this be the moment when the three adventurers found their man, or would this be another false trail, watch this space for the next installment in the unravelling tale of The Legend of Cronan....

[The Black Spot]

The Infernal Machine

Once, I were 'aving a few grogs in the tavern, when this young bald bloke wi' glasses came over an put a fresh tankard o' grog in me hand.

"Have a drink Captain," he said. "I'm celebrating."

"What be ye celebratin' then?" I asked.

"My new invention," he said. "Come, you must come and see it!"

I've found in the past that it's not a good idea to ignore these inventor types. They be a feckless, insipid lot, but sometimes they thought up something worth 'aving. Could be a new type o' weapon or summit useful like that, I thought. So I followed 'im to his workshop.

Once inside, 'ee pulled a couple o' levers, an I heard an escape o' steam an I could hear wheels an cogs turnin'.

"I've managed to modify and combine several Difference Engines, and by using my own instruction tables, I've achieved something extraordinary. Come here please, Captain."

We stood in front of a keyboard and a screen.

"Go on, ask it something," said the Inventor. "Anything at all."

I typed in "What is four and four?"

There was a whirrin' o' cogs, an the screen said * FORTY FOUR *

I looked sideways at the inventor, but he seemed pleased. "Ask it something else!" he said. "Ask it about some everyday kind of problem!"

"You've lit the fuse on a cannon, and nothing's happened," I wrote. "What should you do?"

More whirring and meshing o' gears, an the screen said * TRY LIGHTING IT AGAIN AND PEER DOWN THE BARREL TO SEE IF YOU CAN SEE A BLOCKAGE *

"More!" said the inventor.

"Yer ship is in a the middle o' the ocean when there's a violent thunderstorm. What should ye do?"

Whirr, mesh, grind...

* CLIMB TO THE TOP OF THE CROW'S NEST TO GET A BETTER LOOK. YOU SHOULD HOLD A LARGE SECTION OF SHEET STEEL ABOVE YOUR HEAD TO KEEP THE RAIN OFF *

"You see?" cried the inventor. "It's the wonder of the age! The dream is finally fulfilled - I have created Artificial Stupidity!"

Then 'ee ad the cheek to ask if I wanted to buy one. A swift kick up the arse soon put a stop to that conversation, an I went back to the tavern.

I hear Bart's had one installed on 'is ship though. It's probably in charge by now.

[black bart]

Har,har,har....

[walktheplank]

The Three Pirates accompanied by Brenda sailed up the Jamaican coast until they rounded a headland and they saw for the first time Cap’n Cronan’s ship.

Cap’n Cronan’s ship was strange a swirling mist surrounded it and an icy blast of air was circulating around it. Seaweed and various debris clung to the rigging, however there was no sign of Cap’n Cronan and his crew

“Tis a strange shipâ€￾ said The Black Spot “It looks ghostly, lets go aboard and collect our booty quickly an we can be out of ere.â€￾

“I not be going near that shipâ€￾ said a quaking Black Bart “I be going home now to me Mumâ€￾

“We be going nowâ€￾ said Spot “You are a lily livered blaggard Bart, now get moving or yer be aving me cutlass in yerâ€￾

Suddenly behind them a loud voice boomed out “Stay where you are boys and do not move or I’ll rip yer hearts out and ave it fer me teaâ€￾. Big Brenda had a deadly smile on her face and her pistol was aimed at The Black Spot “Cap’n Cronan is looking forward ter meeting yerâ€￾

“Ye be a traitorous wenchâ€￾ screamed Walk the Plank “Ye have set us upâ€￾

Walk the Plank was fortunate, Brenda was just about to sit on his head when the door opened and the strangest creature that the Pirates had ever seen entered the room.

He was old, very old and he was covered in seaweed and other debris from the sea. When he spoke it was gargling throaty sound that was not from this world. An icy yellow mist came out of his mouth when he spoke.

“Brenda my dear thank you for bringing my guests to me" said Cap'n Cronan "They have followed the clues that I set for themâ€￾

“Ye mean ye wanted us here all alongâ€￾ said an incredulous Black Spot

“Arrrrrgh yesâ€￾ said Cap’n Cronan “ye be my new crew, it be 800 years since me last crew perished an it be time ter replace them. I ave been searching fer many a year for three young pirates and when I heard of yer exploits I knew fer sure that I av found emâ€￾

“We not be yer crew, we work fer no oneâ€￾ said Black Bart “I be going nowâ€￾

As Black Bart walked off Cap’n Cronan threw his arms in the air and a white sheet of lightening flew from his hands and hit Black Bart square in the back. To the horror of The Black Spot and Walk the Plank he was immediately frozen to the spot.

“Ye see fellersâ€￾ said Cronan pleasantly “ye not be aving a choice, I be wanting ye fer me crew an that be it fer all yer mortal days and many a year after that as wellâ€￾


So the three Pirates were indeed in a pickle, trapped in the ghostly lair of Cap’n Cronan. Will they escape and will Black Bart ever see his Mum again. Watch this space for the continuing tale of The Legend of Cronan…..

[walktheplank]

…After Cap’n Cronan released Bart from his immobility The three Pirates were chained in Cronan’s hold to prevent them from escaping, though to be honest once the ship was at sea there was nowhere for them to go.

They were given food, though it was very strange a mixture of weird looking sea creatures including a Fish Head that was an eerie black colour. Out of desperation they had to eat something to stave off hunger even the Black Fish Head. At the time they were unaware of the rumours surrounding The Black Fish Head and the death and destruction that was linked to it.

After a couple of weeks Cap’n Cronan released them from their chains and said it was now time to start their new duties.

“What do yer want us to doâ€￾ hissed the Black Spot

“We be off the coast of the Americasâ€￾ said Cronan “There be a big port over there Baltimore, go ashore an leave no building standing an no man aliveâ€￾

“But we be only 3 piratesâ€￾ said Bart “We cannot do that on our own, there must be thousands of men and navy troops in that cityâ€￾

“You can and you will, you’ll find you be a bit stronger now than afore, now get to workâ€￾ said Cronan.

It was strange that as they approached shore they did feel a new kind of exhilaration, little did they realise that The Black Fish Head had given them super human strength, intellect (yes even Bart) and other powers beyond the reach of normal men.

The three Pirates rampaged through the streets of Baltimore with the relish of a Tasmanian Devil, soon there was no building standing and no man alive and a hoard of booty was captured and taken back to Cap’n Cronan’s ship.

“Ye done well me ladsâ€￾ said Cap’n Cronan “extra rations for yer tea t’niteâ€￾

So for the next few months Cap’n Cronan’s ship sailed the seven seas and left a trail of death and destruction in its wake. The three pirates became stronger as the powers of The Black Fish Head took over their bodies. However all things come to an end and things were about to change forever in the lives of The Black Spot, Black Bart and Walk the Plank…

The conclusion of The Legend of Cronan will be posted in the next few days…

[black bart]

This Black Fishhead...it appears to have the same effect as 10 pints o Fullers ESB!

[walktheplank]

A few months later Cap’n Cronan’s ship pulled into Sydney Harbour. “I not be wanting ye to ransack this placeâ€￾ said Cronan “as me ship is stuffed full of Booty an I got no more space. I be wanting ye to take some of me booty and git me a bigger shipâ€￾.

So the three pirates stuffed full of Booty took a welcoming break from thieving an murdering an went into Sydney.

“Afore we look for a new ship fer that blaggard lets git ourselves some grogâ€￾ said The Black Spot

So the Pirates went from bar to bar tasting the finest grog and meeting the prettiest wenches in all of Australia. However at one bar Madam Sheila’s a chance meeting with a maverick pirate called Dave L was to change their lives forever.

Dave L was young like his English counterparts but already he had his own ship, a three mast sloop with over 100 crew. Dave L was amazed that for all their legendary exploits the English Pirates had nothing to show for their efforts, instead all the reward and none of the risk went to the evil blaggard Cronan.

“Ye have to escape from Cronan’s shipâ€￾ said Dave L “ye can all get yerselves a ship with all this booty ye have with yerâ€￾

“How can weâ€￾ said Walk the Plank “When Bart tried to escape, Cronan’s mystical powers paralysed im and e could not move.â€￾

“Arrrrghâ€￾ said Dave L “I be giving yer passage on me ship for a share of yer booty but ye will also need a disquise, Bart ye dress up as a chef and speak with a rubbish Welsh accent, I fed me last chef to the sharks jus last week so I be aving me a vacancy. Walk the Plank ye need to cut off yer long blond hair and go completely bald that’ll fool im. Spot ye need to stop talking and look menacing, now lets go me ladsâ€￾.

So the three Pirates with their brilliant disguises escaped from Cronan’s evil lair onboard Dave L’s ship. Walk the Plank with no hair, the awful chef Black Bart and The Black Spot saying nowt save for a few grunts. With their booty they each bought themselves a ship and each became fine Pirate Cap’ns. To this day they sail the Seven Seas all of them grateful to a permanently drunk Dave L who has been slurping back Rum ever since on his share of the booty.

As for Cronan, where did e go, few men have seen im since, many believe e does not exist and e remains the most mystical figure ever to sail The Seven Seas.

However, many years later The Black Spot, Black Bart and Walk the Plank’s exploits with Cap’n Cronan would come back to haunt them, all to be revealed soon…..

[black bart]

Shiver me Timbers I've had an exciting life!

[black bart]

On the occasion's when I am at home with her indoors I finds the large garden at our house in Portsmouth a bit of a challenge. Then one day I came up with a cracking idea of how to get me garden dug over for free. I scattered a few old dubloons over the soil and called up 'Time Team' off of Channel 4, saying I'd discovered ancient artefacts in me garden. They turned up with the usual team and a mechanical digger and soon had me soil turned over nicely. I even gave em the ancient recipe o Fish Head Stew for Hue Fernley Wythenshawe to prepare live on TV whilst Phil Harding made a replica cannon and demonstrated a Keel Hauling using Tony Robinson as the unfortunate victim. Should make a great programme and there's me gardening done for another year.

[The Black Spot]

Arrr...

some marvellous stories 'ere lads.

[black bart]

The only problem be...do we replicate the tales ere in the home port as it were. If I has to write twice as many loads of bollocks I will quite likely go stark ravin bonkers before the months out!

[ChowMein]

Argh! Eyes wuz thinking ( foist time dis yeer) the verie same thing fer the past six months Barty, wots to do, wots to do.
Eyed jus pillaged a printer en am aboot to hard copy me yown as well as me fav piratey arthurs fer posteriors.. arr...pastarity .. arr ..a long toime.