my question was "why do chickens have feathers?"
I, of course, elected the FSM.
NOTE: this takes place Shortly after DaveL's Book of Midgets/Midgits.
Shortly after the Flying Spaghetti Monster had cleared up the disputes between the Midgets and the Midgits, he became bored of making fun of them again. The jokes were too stale, and the Midgetiods had become very skilled at deflecting and rebounding any insults or jokes made about or to them. So the FSM went to another part of the world and decided to create a new race.
The Flying Spaghetti Monster molded them out of the Midgitlings favourite fast food, Chicken Nuggets, and so they were very meaty beings. He gave them a birdlike posture, and short, boney legs. He made them the most ridiculous looking creatures alive, not for their posture or legs, but for their skin. They were admitably birds, yet they had no feathers. Even the way they walked and ate was hilarious, bobbing their heads everywhere. The real kicker was that they were given the most noble and dignified personalities. In honour of their fast-food origins, the Flying Spaghetti Monster called them â€˜Chickensâ€™.
The Chickens were very pious and solemn beings. They built great temples to the Flying Spaghetti Monster (donâ€™t ask me how), and prayed many times a week. The Flying Spaghetti Monster found this to be excessively needless, disproportionately extreme, plethoric, undue, and quite honestly, overkill. The Chickens did it anyway, and the Flying Spaghetti Monster is not one to tell people what to do, so he rolled with it.
As with the Midgets, the Flying Spaghetti Monster created another race to help make fun of him. Also, as with the Midgits, the Flying Spaghetti Monster made these beings in a similar style, but with hair. The Flying Spaghetti monster created beings of black and white, majestic and sleek feathers. He gave them extreme tolerance to harshly cold climates, and cool attitudes. He called these creations Penguins.
When the Penguins spoke, it was not like the Chickens speech. The Chickens spoke with quite, monotone, serious voices, getting to the point. The Penguins talked in a much more interesting way, and this pleased the Flying Spaghetti Monster.
Now, the Penguins were ones to complain, but they found it rather unfair that they were birds, but couldnâ€™t fly.
â€œHey Jolly man, Mr. Flyin' Spaghetti Monster. We's real glad ya' created us and gave us life and all, but we plum dink itâ€™s not dat fair dat we kin't fly. Slap mah fro! ah' mean. 'S coo', bro... We gots win's... we gots beaks.. we's obviously birds, and yet we kin't fly! Ah' mean, whut's down wid dat? Some kind'a some sick joke? But ah' digress. All we ax' fo' be dat we could fly, likes oda' birds.â€ The Penguins did ask the Flying Spaghetti Monster.
â€œWell actually, it is a sick jokeâ€¦ but I will comply with your request. Try swimmingâ€ The Flying Spaghetti Monster did respond.
And the Penguins did swim, and they were very good at it. They had been granted flight, but only underwater. Now, the Penguins made fun of the Chickens on most possible occasions, primarily about their lack of hair. For the most part the Chickens ignored the insults though.
One day, out of the blue, the Chickens simply sent a representative to the Penguins, who said â€œwe are tired of your endless insults and mockery. We are leaving this land to somewhere more hospitable and tolerant.â€, and then left with the rest of his kin.
The Penguins were discombobulated by this. They had never meant any harm. Since the Chickens had never mentioned anything, the Penguins assumed that it was all good natured and in fun, none of the insults being actually meant as mean. The Penguins never had a chance to work out what had happened with the Chickens, as the Chickens had left immediately and quite quickly.
But after a few years of still wondering about the Chickens, one Penguin decided to have the guts to go seek out the Chickens. This Penguins name was Bob. Bob traveled far and wide, but eventually he found the Land of the Chickens. At first the Chickens were apprehensive, but not hostile towards Bob, for they knew he had come a long way, and he had come alone. He simply walked into the main Chicken temple, knelt down (as much as a Penguin could), and prayed to the Flying Spaghetti Monster for a few moments. Then he sought out the leader of the Chickens.
â€œWhat is it you want from us now, Penguin?â€ the Chickens leader said.
â€œCome to ridicule us more in your Jive language?â€ for it is true that Jive is the original language of the Penguins.
â€œAfraid not, good chap.â€ Bob spoke in a generic British accent, â€œI was simply wondering why you had left so suddenly those years back.â€
â€œWhy? Why should we have stayed and taken the abuse?â€ the Chickens leader exclaimed. â€œYou insulted and mocked us to no end, and you expected us to stay there and take it?â€
â€œI do believe there has been a misunderstanding here, chap.â€ Bob said. â€œYou see, since you had never expressed any displeasure towards the light-hearted insults and loving mockery, we thought you had no problems with it. Then you leave without forewarning, and weâ€™re left, honestly, in the dust.â€
â€œBut what you were saying could be considered, or at least identified as possibly offensive. It never occurred to you that we might not appreciate the slander?â€ the Chickens leader asked.
â€œIt never occurred to you that your appearance might be really damn hilarious? Especially without any feathers.â€ Bob asked.
â€œWhy, oh WHY???â€ the Leader of the Chickens looked to the sky, â€œMighty Flying Spaghetti Monster; please, end our misery! Give us feathers, and stop the anguish!!!â€
The Flying Spaghetti Monster did fulfill the Chickens wish, although perhaps not in the exact fashion he was expecting. The Flying Spaghetti Monster gave the Chickens feathers, but confined them to land, never to fly again. Furthermore, the Flying Spaghetti Monster decreased their intelligence, and made them eternal cowards, running from all predators.
â€œPityâ€¦â€ Bob looked around a bit. â€œI donâ€™t suppose anyone has any scones?â€