The Annual Academy Awards Fer Piratical Arts (The Jim Lads)

[Auntie Blackbeard]

Arrrrrrrgh! Away wiv ye, Cap'n Turtlehead! This baint the "Pirate Lies" thread!

[pieces o'nine]

Cap'n Turtlehead finks he be the centre of thee wench's attention. Hah! We be checkin the poor, drunken lad fer easily removed valuables, loike.

Pirate dudes. Cute, but not always thee sharpest cutlass on thee deck...

[tanguerra]

[Well, I can assure yez all there be some small exaggerations in Captain T's account of his exploits here. The only man I throw me undergarments at is young Sanchez on wash day, howsoever, let us press on.....]

"And" said the Black Spot "the award goes to Captain DaveL fer introducin' FSB to the plank!"

And amid a standing ovation DaveL makes his way to the stage. He is dressed sumptuously in a sequinned pink gown set off with a flamingo feather fan and coordinating hat. Manfully dashing a small tear from his eye, he beams his snaggled but jubilant smile at the crowd takes his Jim Lad from The Spot and clasps the microphone ...

[DaveL]

'Dear Ladies, Gentlemen and Other,

I would loike to thankyou ferrrrr me awarrrdd hic hic
FSB was a riaght git and deserved it hic hic

...zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz hic hic zzzzzzzzz hic hic zzzzzzzzzzzz'

[Detective TurtleHolmes]

Aargh, ye all argh jus' sayin' that ye weren't amazed and aroosed by me presence.

Oi unnerstand perficktly, ye dun wanna be embarrassed afore all o' ye mateys an' cabinboys that ye be attached to.

It was a moment'ry collapse o' ye honour an' dignity as pirates, but oi be 'appy anyways, an yer secret be safe wit' me.

Aargh! Congrats te DaveL! 'Ow many Jim Lads ye got tonoight?

[pieces o'nine]

Mayor Liversausage casts a baleful eye at Security and they ... assist ... Captain DaveL off the dais, back to his seat and into the care of Pirgella.

"Next up," he says -- loudly -- to regain some flagging attentions, "Is the category of Fastest Ship in the Fleet." He retrieves an envelope from his dinner jacket and reads the roster of nominees, "Cap'n Black Bart's Big Brenda; Cap'n Turtlehead's Full As A Boot; Chowmein's Raging Queen; Dan's Weeping Pustule; Cap'n DaveL's The Arghhh 9000 LSE; Mad Willyum Bonney's Bedlam; pieces o'nine's Mad Moggies Revenge; Rev. Rowan Redbeard's Whistling Kettle; Tanguerra's Purple Primrose." He pauses for the shuffling and whispering to die down.

"And the winner is..."

[Detective TurtleHolmes]

as the tension escalates, Mayor Liversausage makes a few brows frown, and a cutlass slash straight through a chair by saying:
"...boy, this is a good night tonight? Is everyone having fun?"
He quickly ducked as a lead shot pierced the Jim Lad just behind him, where his head would have been.
"Okay, okay. And the winner is...

[The Black Spot]

The mayor opened the envelope, stared at it, looked back at the list of nominees, and looked at it again.

"Ummm... according to this, the winner is Captain Cronan's Stygian Darkness"

A few brave souls catcalled and shouted "Fix!", but an icy cold stare from the terrifying figure approaching the stage silenced them.

Cronan mounted the steps and received his award. He didn't say anything but just stood there, eyeing the audience contemptuously as he slowly chewed a fish head. Then, after what seemed an eternity, he turned and left the building.

Mayor Liversausage's hands were trembling violently as he took the next envelope.

"The next award," he began shakily, "Is for the biggest pack of lies told in a single posting. The nominees are...

[Mad Willyum Bonney]

...everyone of ye lying scum ! To present the award is Black Bart , winner in this category since the inception of the Jim Lads ".

Bart , obviously overcome by grog tripped and stumbled his way to the podium , his cutlass wounding many a pirate on his way .

He opened his maw and let out a huge belch that that would surely gain him a Jim Lad for belching and bad manners in close quarters .

" Ladies and bilge rats the winner is...

[Auntie Blackbeard]

Ye've hogged thee microw fone and thee loimeloight long enuff.

Git on wiv it, ye scurvy blaggarrrd! Who be the winner?

[black bart]

Wassa marrer Auntie Black Sausage, sorlright fer ye, ye've won sumfin alreddy yer blaggard...nuffin fer Barty yer blaggards...wez my...hic, belch, hic...wez my Jimmy Laddy...I never win nuffin, it aint fair yer blaggards...

ang on a mo...hic, belch...the winner is...

[The Black Spot]

...ME!" shouted Black Bart. "I've won the biggest liar award!"

"It says no such thing," said Mayor Liversausage.

"Are ye callin' me a liar?" asked Bart. "Coz if ye are, then I deserve the award. An if I ain't lieing, I've won it fair an' square!"

The terrible logic of this confused the mayor as he handed the award over. He couldn't think of a good counter argument, so he just kicked Bart in the knackers for good measure.

"And so on to the next award," said the Mayor...

[tanguerra]

...Members of the audience were becoming restless and impatient to get to the after party which was to be held at the Admiral Benbow later in the evening. The major award for "Best Pirate" was still to come and that was always worth sticking around for, but until then, it was necessary to sit through a number of the more technical awards; Best Mizzen Mast, Least Innaccurate Ordinance, Jolly Roger Raising and so on and that would take at least an hour even if the acceptance speeches were kept to a bare minimum. A tedious period lay ahead when groups of virtually identically dressed and bearded pirates would ascend the stage in succession.

Tanguerra gave Toothless Kate a nudge with her elbow and motioned toward the exit (and therefore the bar) with her eyebrows. Stealthily they left their seats and tiptoed out to the foyer. Before long another pirate or two crept out behind them, followed by another and still another...

[pieces o'nine]

Oi say! Is this a pyrate barrr or thee desert?
Oi'll ave a tankard o'mead, please.


Tanguerra! Ow nice to see yer an Toofless Kate out 'ere, takin sum air, loike.

[Detective TurtleHolmes]

...leaving only Captain Turtlehead sitting at his seat in the entire auditorium, because he had a keg of rum strapped to the underside of his table. He sniggers, noticing that no-one else was as bright as he.

Mayor Liversausage coughs to get Cap'n T's attention.
"Well, Captain Turtlehead, that brings us to the next award. It was for "Most Dashing Pirate In All The Land", but you can have it anyway. You're the only one left, so I guess..."
Cap'n T graciously swoops up to the stage, and receives the award to tumultuous silence.
"Thanks ye, everywun! Oi wish te thank me crew, me ship, and me cannon! Aargh!"
Satisfied, he returns to his seat and refills his glass, gazing admiringly at his Jim Lad.

Mayor Liversausage, growing impatient, presses a hidden button underneath the microphone. Bars slam down from the ceiling onto the bar, severing a few hooks, but most importantly, separating the pirates from their drinks. Disheartened, the all return to their seat.

Cap'n Turtlehead strokes his Jim Lad lovingly.