Pirates and Equal Opportunities

[DaveL]

YArrrrr...

There be nothin' werse than a stick in yer spokes. 'cept maybe the 'beans before the frank' in 'Sumthin' about Mary'

[The Black Spot]

Aye Cap'n DaveL. I remembers one time when we let Knuckles O'Shuffle take the wheel. All were fine until about half way through 'is watch when someone slips 'im a copy o' Wobbly Wenches Bumper Holiday Special.

The ship were lurchin' so much from side t' side that we didn't even notice Krakatoa blowin' up next to us.

[Dan(da haole guy)]

ARR-oha, The Spot..'tweren't Krakatoa, 'twas da reflection of Knuckles..erm..showin' 'is enthusiasm fer da bint on p. 48 of WWBHS(n/s e)*..



(n/s e=non-stick edition)

[black bart]

ARR-oha, The Spot..'tweren't Krakatoa, 'twas da reflection of Knuckles..erm..showin' 'is enthusiasm fer da bint on p. 48 of WWBHS(n/s e)*..



(n/s e=non-stick edition)

Arrrr...good idea Dan...I has had to cover this picture of me favourite Blue Peter presenter with sticky backed plastic:

[The Black Spot]

(n/s e=non-stick edition)

I thinks Dan be onto summit wi' 'is non-stick mags.

I remembers when knuckles 'ad to move cabins once. When 'ee tried to remove 'is -er- reading material, it 'ad stuck tergether in one solid lump that were too big to get out the door. 'Ad to take 'alf a bluddy wall down.

[Dan(da haole guy)]

ARR-oha..da IPO fer "N/S Editions, LLC" will be out soon...(in true pyrate fashion, oi managed t'add all yez names to da "gets-5000-shares-cheaply-nudge-wink" list, so yer declining..er..advancing..er..disreputable futures be secure..)

[anthrobabe]

nudge-nuge
wink-wink

Oh stop it-- you are killin me!

And tha lot o ye stays out o the upstairs at tha Benbow-- I can't keep a cleaning wench as it is!

[Dan(da haole guy)]

ARR-oha..Saucy Gert..no mo' "upstairs, upstairs wi' ye..", huh? guess we'll put tha "Snuggery" to its proper use, then, ya?

(friendly hint: N/S cushion covers fer da "Snuggery"..or ye'll no' be able t'keep a cleanin' wench doonstairs, either )

[black bart]

<Big Crash, followed by Jarring Chord>

Cardinal Queequag bursts in "This has got to be the Continuous Salty Tale...it's full of innuendo and cushions and cleaning wenches...no...

...can't I just torture someone a little bit? I've got a lovely new Iron Maiden, not even a drop of blood on the spikes."

[The Black Spot]

Arrr... the Inquisition be the least o' me problems.

Anyway, the other day I discovered a good way to put down a mutinous crew. I were sure that the men were plottin' against me (ye develop an instinct fer this after ye's been cast adrift in an open boat a few times), an' they were all below deck makin' plans.

I stood on the bridge with Fluffy, (the ship's Bengal tiger) when I had an idea. Ye ever seen a cat chasin' the dot of a laser pointer across a carpet? - well I wondered if a tiger would do the same.

Fluffy saw the red dot movin' about on the deck an' got curious. As he approached it, I moved it up an' down the deck. Fluffy were chasin' it, an' he were gettin' angrier an' angrier. I moved the dot across the deck and a few feet up the main mast; Fluffy roared an' lashed out at it. There were a nasty splinterin' noise as Fluffy's claws tore four deep gashes into the oak mast.

Fluffy were goin' beserk. Roarin' an hissin' an spittin' 'ee were. I ran the dot once around the deck fer luck an' Fluffy were boundin' after it, mad with rage. 'Ee were goin full speed as 'ee followed the dot across the deck an' down the hatch leadin' to the crew's quarters.

Well, that put paid to any thoughts o' mutiny that the survivors had.

[PantyGnawer]

PG sneaks in and steals all your rum

[The Black Spot]

Arrrr...

the other day a man from the Equal Ops board came aboard an' said that me crew were "instertushnally sexist" an' me grants would be cut until I sorted 'em out.

I immediately puts them on a weevil an' sawdust diet. That'll put 'em in touch wi' their famine side.

[black bart]

Arrrrr...the Equal Opps Board...I has been avoidin them fer months. Ever since me crew all died o Fish Head Stew poisonin...I know wot ye're thinkin, they all died an equal death..but I was givin extra portions to the French ones!

[The Black Spot]

Welll there be yer problem matey. Them Frenchies 'ave their guts hardened by eatin' snails an frogslegs an horses an anteaters an arrrmadildoes. They deserves an extra dose.

[black bart]

Arrrgh...me uvver problem be wiv the Scotties. Luverly lot as long as ye leaves em wiv yer treasure or yer engineering they be happy. As soon as they come up on deck their dour miserly grimness spreads gloom over the whole ship. The slightest sightin of an Albatross or a Storm cloud and they start their dour caterwailing...'We're all Dooooooooomed, Doooooooooooooomed...they make good undertakers an all.