The Wontontological Argument

[The Power]

I have been sent to these forums for the sole purpose of giving to you the divine revelation that was given to me yesterday. Inspiration for this struck me like a wet noodle to the face as I was listening to a presentation of the Ontological Argument, and now I have seen the light. It is a powerful argument that can prove, without a doubt, the existence of a greater pasta entity. Ladies and gentlemen, I now present to you for the first time a secret that has been hidden since the creation of the world…

The Wontontological Argument:

1) It is possible for a supremely delicious* wonton to exist.
2) If it is possible for a supremely delicious wonton to exist, then a supremely delicious wonton exists in some possible world.
3) If a supremely delicious wonton exists in some possible world, then it exists in every possible world (due to it being ‘supremely delicious’, which by definition requires it to be maximally tasty in every possible world).
4) If a supremely delicious wonton exists in every possible world, then it exists in the actual world.
5) If a supremely delicious wonton exists in the actual world, then a supremely delicious wonton exists.
6) Therefore, a supremely delicious wonton exists in our world.
7) RAmen

NOTE: An important thing to keep in mind is that there is no possible world in which a bad wonton can exist. Once you properly understand the concept of Supreme Deliciousness, you’ll see that a supremely delicious wonton can’t not exist (i.e. it’s impossible for a supremely delicious wonton to not exist).

In addition to the above, the Wontontological Argument is truly an analogous parallel to the Ontological Argument* * * since it presents the maximally great state of an entity (wontons). Intrinsic great-making properties such as omniscience, omnipotence, omnibenevolence, etc, which come into play in the Ontological Argument, do not apply to the Wontontological Argument for obvious reasons; the only great-making property that applies to a supremely delicious wonton is omnitastiness [1]. Also, a quasi-delicious wonton cannot exist in any possible world in which a supremely delicious wonton exists (which is all of them), since the existence of a supremely delicious wonton undermines the possibility of a quasi-delicious wonton [2].


All credit for the structure of this logic comes courtesy of Anselm of Canterbury and Alvin Plantinga [3]. ‘NOTE’ reasoning above comes courtesy of William Lane Craig [4]. ‘DISCLAIMER’ credo below borrowed from religion in general.

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* ‘Supremely Delicious’ is defined as having maximal tastiness* * in every possible world. If a wonton was delicious in one possible world then it would only be kind of tasty; if a wonton was delicious in five possible worlds then it would be tastier; etc. A wonton must be maximally tasty in all possible worlds in order for it to be supremely delicious, and a supremely delicious wonton cannot exist in anything less than all possible worlds or else it would not be supremely delicious.

* * ‘Maximal Tastiness’ implies the necessary existence of a supremely delicious wonton.

* * * The Wontontological Argument is intended to be one big steaming pile; that’s why it parallels the Ontological Argument so well.


[1] http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PdO7agEqAZI
[2] http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=umpf5ugpkLU
[3] http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ontological_argument
[4] http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D1-ySbzmrEI

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DISCLAIMER: A supremely delicious wonton is, by its very nature, beyond our comprehension. Any apparent logical flaws in the Wontontological Argument are not actual logical flaws, they are only problems stemming from your own personal misunderstanding.

[Roland Deschain]

Are we talking "Crispy Fried Wonton", "Wonton Soup", or plain "Wontons", as they are all very different, and can therefore affect your argument greatly. The pros and cons are as follows, and are taken from a British context:-

Wonton Soup

Pros - Needs no teeth to eat

Cons - Wontons are soggy, not easy to eat on the move, can be like drinking flavoured hot water, needs cutlery

Crispy Fried Wonton

Pros - No utensils needed, comes with dipping sweet and sour sauce, very tasty, easy to eat on the move

Cons - Can give you greasy hands

Plain Wonton

Pros - Needs nothing but a container

Cons - Can give you greasy hands, little to no moisture (just a little greasiness)

As you can see, this gives us a conundrum, because if the wonton was supremely delicious, why would it need anything added to it? And this doesn't stop here, as there are any number of filled wontons that are to be found in the classier Chinese restaurants, not to mention how many more varieties of each of the above there are in the far east, which leads me to believe that there is more to this than meets the eye. If you could but amend your argument to encompass these facts, then I would take more of an interest, but as it stands, I shall remain awontonist.

PS - Nice one, and welcome to Venganza.

[Alien Soda Jerk]

Hahaha! I LOVE this! If I may say with a painful pun, what a deliciously wanton way to illustrate the fallacy in a very common argument — with Wontons!

The Flying Spaghetti Monster has imparted great wisdom and/or righteous foolishness unto you, grasshopper.

[The Power]

Dear Mr Roland Deschain,

Isn’t the answer to your first question obvious? This higher pasta entity is all three options you proposed: Wonton Soup and Crispy Fried Wonton and Plain Wonton. A perfect Trinity, if you will. Also, you’re gravely mistaken about all of the cons for these various facets of the One True Wonton. The Great Wonton cannot have any negative qualities; sogginess, greasiness, no moisture, etc aren’t qualities of the supremely delicious wonton, they’re all trials that arise when you choose not to be in the presence of the Great Wonton. If this doesn’t make sense to you, then please see the DISCLAIMER in the original post.

As for the ingredients, any filling created from animals which swarm on the ground, go on their belly, go on all fours or have many feet are detestable to you. Fillings that have been made from creatures which are cloven-footed and chew the cud, which swim in the waters and have fins and scales, or contain winged insects that have jointed legs above their feet are clean and righteous for consumption.

PS – Thanks! Glad to be here



And thanks to you too, Alien Soda Jerk! I look forward to the FSM revealing much more wisdom to me in the future.

[pieces o'nine]

And I saw when The Power opened one of the takeaways, and I heard, as it were the noise of thunder, one of the four wontons saying, Come and see.

Previously I hath said in my heart, There is no Wonton.
I thank you, Brother Power (one assumes you are a Brother) for bringing the Good News of unassailable logic in the form of the Wontontological Argument! Praise!

[Roy Hunter]

(won assumes you are a Brother)

Fixed that for won.

[DavidH]

As flies to wonton boys are we to the gods.

I can't work out if this has anything to do with your excellent argument. Possibly not.

[Roland Deschain]

So your whole argument is "There must be a supreme deliciousness, therefore Wonton"? Tut tut tut. I'm not happy with this blatant heresy at all, as everyone knows that the supreme deliciousness is Bacon!

[The Power]

As the old proverb goes, "Bacon is the essence of the wonton."

Or something like that.

[pieces o'nine]

What is the sound of won tonning?

[The Power]

Passionate moans?

[pieces o'nine]

That doesn't sound very...evolved...but won could be mistaken.


Also, well spoken, DavidH!
Let us not forget the words of Thomas More, "A little wonton money, which burned out the bottom of his purse."

[DavidH]

Thank 'ee kindly, Pieces, and don't forget ...

Woman's destiny is to be wonton.

[black bart]

Yes and it all reminds me of Spike Milligans immortal:

Wonton
Wonton
Wonton
Wonton
Wonton yiddle I po!

[DavidH]

Come on everybody - sing to the tune of Cwm Rhondda:

Bread of Heaven, Bread of Heaven,
Feed me till I wonton more - won ton more
Feed me till I wonton more.