The Captain's Log

[pieces o'nine]

Capn's Log

Yarrrgh, thee Springe Breake Madnesse 'as struck me crewe again. They 'as commenc'd t' competin' fer thee Moste Hunyooshawl Coiffure, an oi duzzint no 'ow much longer oi can stand hit.


Hendrick van der Shizzel, Quarternaster


Sheepshank Gertie, Boatswain


Ulcerous O'Malley, in charrrghe ov pumpin thee bilges

[black bart]

Capn's Log etc etc...

Those be highlee commendable matey but I had this German geezer tryin ta join me croo lookin loik this:



I draws thee line at that, even if it is comin up to Easter!

[daftbeaker]

Did he try and sell you some of his bad paintings?

[black bart]

Did he try and sell you some of his bad paintings?

Arrgh ye see that dog in thee piktur...he tried to flog me this drawin of him:



I told him he was barking mad.

[Roland Deschain]

Cap'n's Log

Sea Date: 2nd April 1756

Yesterday we were in thee mysterious port o' BIndustries. None o' me crew 'ave ever 'eard of it before, but it were a blessin' from the FSM in disguise. Oi purchased some foine paintin's for me cabin there, but the paint 'as peeled off, an' now oi am left wi' a bad pencil drawin' o' a dog, a bad an' depressin' paintin' o' a brown field wi' 'oles in thee ground an' barbed woire everywhere, an' a lithograph o' a weird man in bunny ears. We turned around himmediately, but thee port appears to 'ave moved! This be a weird occurrence on the 'oigh seas!

[pieces o'nine]

Capn's Log

Oi watched Neverwhere again an reeloized that thee Floatin' Marrrghket wernt jest a litterairy devyce -- hit ackshooly hexists! Oi 'as 'eard rumblins from ovver shippes that they's been taykin t'thee cleaners (metalfourickly speekin) by thee Floatin' Marrrghket set hup by Bart Industries!

Oi 'as Errol scrootinoizin thee charrrghts ter plot thee preveeyus sitin's an projeckt thee moste loikely future locaysahuns. Oi plans t'blockade it wiv thee Mad Moggies Revenge, then make a boat tie-up parrrghty wiv thee dingees, t'flogge arrrgh best styrene shrunken 'eads an moai plunder -- an a few barrels o'Capns Deloight t'keepe thee festivitees conviveal.

MUA HA HA HA ARRRGH!

[black bart]

Capn's Log yarr date 15th March 1776

More hindustrial hespionhage suspected...somebody be takin Crows Nest pikturs of me totally legitaarghmate Floatin Market:



Luckilee they aint spotted the HQ yet:

[Griffin]

Cap'ns Log Date Yeer Zero+5%

Oi sold me laytest H'industryal Spie program fer the iPiddle ter a straynj Cap'n oo' wer 'anging aownd port. 'e kneeded summat ter h'assertayn wot BB h'Industrees be up ter so Oi charged 'im h'extra fer it. Oi moight get meself an iPiddle 'cos Oi be wurrid abowt bein' stukk up a creek wivowt wun.

[pieces o'nine]

Captain's Log -- Yarrrgh Date 26 April '12

Errol Flynn, arrrgh faverit cabbin bouy, 'as hembarked hupon a noo venyoo as thee VIce Admiral ov Reserrrgh an Developmint fer Mad Moggies, Inc. 'E's done so well floggin the moai knock-orfs an polly styrene shrunken 'eads that oi be trustin 'im ter take thee knowne werlde by storrrghm wiv thee "knork".

Thee moste himportant fing be t'keep thee prototypes away from hindustrial spies from Bart Enterprises huntil we gets arrrgh letters ov patent.

[black bart]

Capn's Log Half way through series 6 o thee Happrenitce

Dear Alan (Sugar) I has been castin me hexpert eye over yer latest croo o losers an I has ta tell ye I has ne'r seen such a pathetic bunch o Giant Pizza wearin tossers!

Here at Bart Hindustries (a bit loik Hamstrad but wiv proper designs) we be proud of our record an our Portholio (see I jus hinvented a new word...I be a natural) of produkts.

I i was ye I'd sack that old git Nasty Nick an give me a seat on yer board. I'd soon sort out thee Weevils from thee Biscuits. I be lookin for a salary of about 4000 Cronan a day.

Your umble Cap'n

Black Bart (Sort o Piratey Rupert Murdoch...or should I say sort o Rupert Murdochy Pirate).

[pieces o'nine]

Captain's Log, addendum:

Bart Hindustries be tryin' t'steal arrrgh marrrghketin thunderrrgh followin thee launch ov arrrgh ground-breakin noo product, the Knork. Little does they suspeck arrrgh nefairyus sekrit weapon: The Moai Arrrghmy!

[black bart]

^

[Roland Deschain]

Cap'n's Log
Seadate: I don't know, lol

We were sailin' thee high seas, when we come across a mysterious oisland that weren't on thee map. We anchored near it, an' rowed ashore, lookin' fer food, but then we was attacked by a moighty army o' stone 'eads wot 'ad come from nowhere. Me crew turned an' fled, but I fought on, killin' many o' them. But they were too many fer me, an' after thinnin' the army o' 100 o' them, I decided ter run fer thee boat. We rowed back ter thee ship, but thee 'eads marched on inter the sea, comin' fer us. We only just managed ter sail away in toime, an' a steep sea shelf facilitated our escape by stoppin' them in their tracks. Or so we'd 'oped.

After a month o' frantic sailin', we entered shallower water again, an' lo an' be'old, thee 'eads appeared once again, but we were ready this toime, an' bein' spurred on by me 'eroic deeds, me crew killed them all. We then sailed back ter thee oisland, which were free fer us ter plunder, an' we found a ware'ouse full o' boxes. Upon openin' thee boxes, which were labelled "Knork", we found many great wonders, an' me crew ain't never gonna be lonely at sea again.

[DaveL]

YArr Date 10 May 1712

Next time Oi embark on a long sea voyage. I might need to go to the loo before we set sail. O'ive bin holdin' on for more than 6 months now.

Can someone please find me a bigger cork?

Signed,

Captain Dam Buster

[black bart]

Capn's Log yarr date 15th May 1777

A bright spark amonkst me croo has gone as hinvented POST IT PARCHMENTS:



I aint sure wot he be usin fer gloo tho but thee bloody things be stuck all over thee shyppe wiv such notes as:

Please remember to muffle yer peg leg at night.

Two pints o rum please (we gets deliverees every Wednesday)

Don't ferget to put thee pet shark out.

Don't forget thee croutons (Above Fish Head Stoo Vat).