Wedgie Document

[Alpaca]

In response to ID's wedge document strategy, originally suggested here.

This thread is for the drafting of said document.

I'll try to edit this post as much as I can to keep it current.

I don't consider this to be Holy Scripture, just a strategy, hence the selection of forum.

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The basic outline of our document
Note: The sections are colored to indicate state of completion. Red indicates a section not yet begun. Orange indicates the first draft of a section, needing work. Yellow indicates a section developed significantly beyond a first draft, still needing work. Green indicates a section in its final draft, needing very little work, touch-ups, or simply general consensus. Blue indicates a completely finalized section.

• An Introduction filled with senseless rhetoric
• An incredibly vague outline of the strategy
• A more specific outline of the strategy
  
  • 'Nother rhetoric-filled introduction
  • Unnecessary restatement of the vague outline
  • Rhetoric-filled elaboration on the vague outline that doesn't reveal much new info
• Rather frightening goals that do not spare us the rhetoric
• More specific goals to be accomplished within five years that are even more frightening.
• A positively shocking rhetoric-charged 20 year master plan
• Activities (ways to give wedgies?)
• An accomplishments section - do not develop until goals are established.

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Draft Document
Note: All text in black is text of the actual draft document. Blue text indicates a organizational/formatting note. Red text indicates additional commentary. Green text indicates something to edit, or a proposed/conflicting edit (when there is a conflict).

Introduction
The advancement of human knowledge through science is one of the basic principles on which Western civilization was built. But it is time to debunk the traditional conceptions of thinkers such as Andre "Girl's Middle Name" Ampere, Archimedes "I take baths instead of showers," Daniel "Frenchname" Bernoulli, Niels "the" Bohr, Max "Regrettably" Born, Robert "I have a" Boyle, Giordiano "Burning" Bruno, Henry "Gas" Cavendish, Jacques Charles (French), James Clerk-Max"un"well, Nicolas "Materialistic Heliocentrist" Copernicus, Francis "P-not-C" Crick, Pierre "Wife-did-everything" Curie (French), Marie Curie (French; Woman), Charles "Antichrist" Darwin, Albert "Nice Hair" Einstein, Euclid "The G(r)eek," Enrico "The Radiator" Fermi, Galieo "Gali-gay-o," Stephen "Satan-worshipper" Gould, Stephen "Cripple" Hawking, Gustav "Hurts" Hertz, Hipparchus "Hippie," Hippocrates "Hypocrite," Robert "Hooker" Hooke, Christiaan "Who" Huygens, William "Normal People Use Fahrenheit" Kelvin, Johann "Leper" Kepler, Niccolo Machiavelli, Karl Marx, Johann "Crossed" Mendel, Joseph Mengele, Isaac "I suck" Newton, Robert "Openhymen" Oppenheimer, Blaise "Triangle" Pascal, Max "Thick as a" Planck, Ptolmey (At least he knew the Earth was the center of the universe), Edward "Blind-as-Keller" Teller, Evangelista "Not Actually Evangelist" Torricelli, Giovani "Constricted" Venturi, Alessandro "Shocked" Volta, and James "No Sherlock" Watson, among others.

Instead, let us look towards modern revolutionary thinkers such as Herman Schmidt, PhD (comparative philology), Velikovsky memorial scholar and head of the FSM Institute's department of optical studies, Author of such seminal publications as James Clerk Maxwell and the Myth of Electromagnetic Radiation, first published as a series of talks on Radio New Dworkin, Maxwell's Equations Debunked, 7pp, pointing out Maxwell's use of Greek letters to hide the flaws in his arguments, How to Build a Faster-Than-Light Paper Aircraft, leaflet for distribution in schools et cetera, a practical and instructive project for children aged 7-12 (Small parts may cause choking hazard for younger children.), and Photons and Pornography, showing the direct link between Maxwell's discredited ideas and the collapse of morality in the post-Maxwell era.

Let us look towards magnificent figures such as Nethaniel Winter-Wartson, Herr Prof. (Life Sciences), author of FSM : Life before Mars and Venus,a series of talks held at the Planetarium of Good Hope for doctorial students.

The ways of the Flying Spaghetti Monster have now been revealed to us and we must fight against a materialistic conception of reality which has infected virtually every area of our culture - from politics and economics to literature and art. In the West, there is a car in every driveway, a hospital in every town but hardly a pirate to be found.

Five-Year Goals section
FIVE YEAR OBJECTIVES

1. A major public debate between FSM theorists and Darwinists
   
2. Thirty published books on pasta and its cultural implications (accounting, sex, gender issues, medicine, law, religion, high performance athletics, weight management, and everyday convenience) [list expanded further, not just a clone of the wedge document's list]
3. One hundred scientific, academic and technical articles peer reviewed by ourselves, covering subjects including:
   
   • The obvious design of the human body to accept pasta and pasta-like foods as a easy source of fuel.
   • The convergance of modern physics with the Hyper Spaghetti Monster theory
4. Significant coverage in national media:
   
   • A wedgie in a major news magazine such as Time or Newsweek
   • A reality TV show with a pirate theme or an oscar-winning Hollywood movie. (by July 9 2003)
   • Regular press coverage on developments in FSM theory
5. Spiritual & cultural renewal:
   
   • strippers performing the wedgie daily in 50 major cities
   • a successful internet site to promote FSM
   • de-Darwinification Seminaries including a free pasta dinner
6. Stop the teaching of science to innocent kids in at least ten states.

20-year goals section
20 YEAR OBJECTIVES

1. Elect a midgit to the White House [midget/midgit? Would the outside observer get the reference?]
2. Convert the United States Navy to a pirate fleet to combat the threat of global warming.
3. End state sponsorship of science.

[Alpaca]

What I'm thinking is the actual evolution happens in the thread, but I'll edit the post to reflect the most recent changes, so that one could visit the thread and read the most current document in full.

I suspect that as the evolution evolves (is that your nefarious plot?), people won't try to repost the whole document with their changes. They'll only write in additions, or specific sections to be corrected.

Edit: I'd also like to ask your permission for contributors to this thread to double- or triple-post as they add significant new chunks of content, so that the thread may be flagged as new for all interested, instead of going unnoticed in edits.

[darren996]

If we need any outside consulting for a wedgie this is the place:

http://www.wedgiegirls.com/#

[MusMusculus]

Don't edit one post...try to track the evolution of the document as much as possible.

Come on Auntie Dee Dee, you know there's no such thing as evolution.

[darren996]

Let's use Unintelligent Design for the Wedgie Document!

[MusMusculus]

We should start with linking the fact that our brains was created in the image of FSM as the reason why we have democracy, vaccines, why the Soviet Union broke up, etc... everything else that is good in the world.

[darren996]

The proposition that human beings are created in the image of God is one of the bedrock principles on which Western civilization was built. The other civilizations are just F$#%ed.

That's just wrong. Sorry. Thinking with my mouth open.

[Long Gone McGruff]

Don't have much time right now: just a quick snippet starting off in the same vein as the original:

The advancement of human knowledge through science is one of the basic principles on which Western civilization was built but it's time to debunk the traditional conceptions of thinkers such as Charles Darwin, Karl Marx, and Sigmund Freud.

Isaac Newton, Copernicus, Louis Pasteur, Einstein Schmeinstein, Max "thick as two short" Planck, Neils "the" Bohr, Marie Curie, Watson and Crick...
....
....
.... [this list should be long to make a point]
....
....

The ways of the Flying Spaghetti Monster have now been revealed to us and we must fight against a materialistic conception of reality which has infected virtually every area of our culture - from politics and economics to literature and art. In the West, there is a car in every driveway, a hospital in every town but hardly a pirate to be found.

[darren996]

Tycho "Post nasal squirtâ€￾ Brahe.

That's real obscure. He got his nose chopped off. He had a nose made of silver....

[Long Gone McGruff]

Some 5 year objectives of our own..?

FIVE YEAR OBJECTIVES

1. A major public debate between FSM theorists and Darwinists

2. Thirty published books on pasta and its cultural implications (sex, gender issues, medicine, law, and religion)

3. One hundred scientific, academic and technical articles peer reviewed by ourselves

4. Significant coverage in national media:

* A wedgie in a major news magazine such as Time or Newsweek
* A reality TV show with a pirate theme or an oscar-winning Hollywood movie.
* Regular press coverage on developments in FSM theory

5. Spiritual & cultural renewal:

* strippers performing the wedgie daily in 50 major cities
* a successful internet site to promote FSM
* de-Darwinification Seminaries including a free pasta dinner

6. Stop the teaching of science to innocent kids in at least ten states.

[darren996]

That's awesome!

Some 5 year objectives of our own..?

FIVE YEAR OBJECTIVES

2. Thirty published books on pasta and its cultural implications (accounting, sex, gender issues, medicine, law, and religion )

[Sylvie369]

Tycho "Post nasal squirtâ€￾ Brahe.

That's real obscure. He got his nose chopped off. He had a nose made of silver....

Wasn't it brass?

And shouldn't the document have occasional pauses for scary insane cackling?

[Alpaca]

Excellent work, everybody. The first post has been edited to reflect these changes.

And shouldn't the document have occasional pauses for scary insane cackling?

This document, as I understand it, should be devoid of the usual insanity, per se, of the forum. The purpose is to provide a faux-serious strategy to mirror that of ID, except, of course, that the concept is completely ridiculous. That having been said, the insanity should lie in the extremes of the content, not be overt.

[Long Gone McGruff]

I wish I had more time right now but I'm off to bed - lot to do tomorrow. I'll throw out a few more snippets:

We probably want to elect a midgit to the White House at some point.

Replace the US navy with a pirate fleet to combat the menace of global warming.

Campaign to end state sponsorhip of science.

"A part of our strategy should be to fight science with bad science. A superficially credible but utterly fallacious parody of the scientific method will serve our ends either (a) by discrediting science itself or (b) by replacing it with our own faith-based, pseudo-scientific dogma if nobody rumbles what we're up to."

By the way feel free to change anything to make it better.

[Long Gone McGruff]

PS: good job organising everything alpaca.