The Book of Dechujoh

[Dechujoh64]

This topic will contain everything that I have written for The Loose Canon:a really important collection of words.
Even though that it seems that I have missed the deadline for the second edition of the Loose Canon. Hopefully something that I will write and put here in this topic will be put into the third edition of the Loose Canon.

To make sure that I can post something here every week; I shall only post one letter at a time.
You could THINK of me as the "St. Paul of the bible" of the Loose Canon.
By letter I mean a couple of chapters classified as a mini letter within a "BIGGER LETTER."


So, beyond this first post I shall post something once a week in something that I would like to call:
The Book of Dechujoh.

Thank You and May The Pasta Be With You.
RAmen

[Dechujoh64]

A Letter to the Risians
A letter from Dechujoh to the Risians.

1:1 Greetings, Risians, I come to you today on friendly terms and not as an enemy. 1:2 I hope that many of you today, will listen to me and take his most Noodliest, the Flying Spaghetti Monster into your hearts.
1.3 Because it seems to me that many of you are weary of your recent conversion to the almighty FSM. 1:4 Don't worry about that for he is already in you. 1:5 Once you have accepted his Noodliest, 1:6 no matter what you do next he shall always be with you.
1:7 For those who are truly flimsy and on the verge of breaking. 1:8 I hope this letter can help you become stronger. 1:9 Oh, by the way, it sounds to me like you need a hands-on approach to his Almightiest, 1:10 the Flying Spaghetti Monster.
1:11 By the time you read this letter, 1:12 I shall already be on my way to you. 1:13 But for me it shall take some time to reach you, because I am a landlocked landlubber. 1:14 I shall try to reach you as fast as I can.

2:1 Now on to the real reason why I'm sending you this letter. 2:2 I am sending this letter to you, 2:3 because you sent me a letter voicing your concerns of a couple of things. 2:4 I have looked over this letter and could see that several of these concerns are small concerns, 2:5 and the rest of your concerns have more merit than the others. 2:6 But I shall try to address them all the best that I can right now in this letter.

3:1 In your letter that I received there were three small concerns, and two large concerns, and in this chapter I shall address your small concerns.
3:2 Your first small concern was: 3:3 “Do we need to change what we eat?”
3:4 I found this to be a little bit strange, but nonetheless I shall answer it. 3:5 To the best of my knowledge, No, you do not need to change what you are eating in anyway. 3:6 You do not need to eat just pasta. 3:7 You can still eat what you have been eating. 3:8 All you need to do is to believe in the Lord Almighty, the great Flying Spaghetti Monster.
3:9 Before I continue, I found all of your small concerns very strange, but yet, like I said, I will try to answer them in the best of my ability. 3:10 Now onto your second concern.
3:11 Your second small concern was: “3:12 Do we need to wear Pirate attire all the time?”
3:13 Again, to the best of my knowledge, No, but it is preferred. 3:14 You don't need to wear a pirate outfit every day, 3:15 maybe just on special occasions, okay. 3:16 I hope this answer shall suffice right now.
3:17 Your third small concern was: 3:18 “How would we know that he is with us?”
3:19 Hopefully by “he” you mean the Flying Spaghetti Monster. 3:20 And for this my answer is deferments to the first chapter versus 1:5 and 1:6. 3:21 He, the Flying Spaghetti Monster, has always been there, and always will be there.

4:1 Your two large concerns.
4:2 Your first large concern just happened to coincide with your third small concern.
4:3 And your concern was: “4:4 How much of “the Loose Canon” must we believe in?”
4:5 Well, just like in any religion, you can believe in all of it or just some of it. 4:6 It is up to you, the believer. 4:7 Some people only believe in couple of the books. 4:8 While others believe in the entire “Loose Canon.” 4:9 Also, you can interpret it anyway you see fit. 4:10 You can interpret “The Loose Canon” figuratively or literally. 4:11 It is up to the person themselves to believe in what they want.
4:12 Your second large concern, and the last concern overall is (and it's a toughie.): 4:13 “What is the creation story of our religion?”
4:14 Well, as you can see, if you do not include the Book of Midgits. 4:15 There's not much left is there.
4:16 Well, the only thing right now I can tell you is that we do not know. 4:17 Certainly, in the future somebody will, find the book of creation, be touched by his noodley appendage, or received during a dream. 4:18 Who know what will happen? 4:19 I certainly don't know. 4:20 Just be patient my friends, all shall be answered soon enough.

5:1 Well, my Risian friends, I hope these answers in this letter will tide you over until I get there.
5:2 May the pasta be with you.
5:3 And unto his Noodliest “the Flying Spaghetti Monster.”
5:4 And unto you, The Risians, may ye have eternal friendship and peace.
5:5 RAmen.

[Dechujoh64]

A Letter to the Risians
The First letter from Dechujoh to the Council.

6:1 Hello, Council, I'm sending this letter to you just to let you know that when I get to the Risians,
6:2 I shall document my stay there and send it to you as another letter to you the Council.
6:3 And, uh, that's it.
6:4 All I can do now is just hope that everything is okay with the Risians, and nothing is wrong.

7:1 May the pasta be with you.
7:2 RAmen.

[Dechujoh64]

A Letter to the Risians
The Second letter from Dechujoh to the Council.

8:1 Hello Council, it seems that the Risians misunderstood my first letter. 8:2 For they have broken up into three groups. 8: 3I've been able to befriend the people of the third group and gain knowledge of the situation.
8:4 For an explanation, I have called the third group: The Pasta Siders. For they are in the middle of this war. 8:5 They hide amongst the houses that are still standing. 8:6 They do not fight in this war. 8:7 They run to the edges of the town, and hide in fear for their lives. 8:8 These people call upon me to try to end this war, but I do not know what to do.
8:9 The other two groups are: the True Believers of FSM, and the Followers of FSM.

8:10 The True Believers of FSM believe every word in the Loose Canon is infallible. 8:11 They believe that all word is true and none to be false. 8:12 They believe that if you don't believe the way that they believe; 8:13 you are a blasphemer of his most Noodliest. 8:14 For some reason the True Believers of FSM believe that there is no middle ground in heaven with his Most Noodliest on high. 8:15 They believe that if you are not on the same level as their belief that you are a hellbound heathen to the land of meager wages, flat beer, and homely strippers.

8:16 The True Believers of FSM are completely Bass Ackwards.
8:17 Now on to the second group of believers: the Followers of FSM.

8:18 To me, the Followers of FSM, are nothing more than aggressive Pasta Siders. 8:19 The Followers of FSM believe in his Most Noodliest as much as the Pasta Siders do. 8:20 But they seem to retaliate upon intrusion from the True Believers of FSM.
8:21 Just the other day, while in hiding, I witnessed a member of the True Believers of FSM walk up to a door of a Follower of FSM, and knock on the door and waited for the “Follower” to come and answer the door. 8:22 Both of them talked for a minute or two, and they went their separate ways. 8:23 (I believe that they were trying to convert one another.) 8:24 Because, within the hour, a rock came flying through the man’s window. 8:25 The rock did have writing on it. 8:26 And it said, “Please convert now or forever be sent to the hell hole of washing dishes for all eternity.”

8:27 Then without hesitation the Follower of FSM picked up the rock; crossed out what was written, and wrote his own message which said, 8:28 “I do believe in the Almighty Flying Spaghetti Monster. Please stop attacking me. Sincerely, [Censored].”

8:29 Sorry Council, I wish not to divulge anyone's name. 8:30 But you may put any name you like there in place of the censored. 8:31 keep that name in mind; there may be future censoreds down the line. 8:32 And this has continued to happen for weeks now. 8:33 And I do not know what to do to stop all of this. 8:34 I hope that it can come to me soon.


9:1 Uh oh I think they found me out. 9:2 They're coming straight towards the house. 9:3 I think it's time for me to sneak out the back door, not get caught, and ride in on a donkey, if you know what I'm saying. 9:4 They seem to have stopped what they are doing.

10:1 Hello, faithful children of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, I am hopeful you have taken kindly to his words. 10:2 I hope that ye be cheerful and joyous unto his most mightiness the Flying Spaghetti Monster. 10:3 I hope that everything is okay with one another. 10:4 And as I spake to the crowd, the crowd in chorus spaketh, “NO!”
10:5 “Why may I ask?” as I asked the crowd.

10:6 A man from the crowd stepped forward and spake, 10:7 “I, [Censored], from the group called Porra Sectivus Volans Spaghetti Monstra or PSVSM for short (Chives Flying Spaghetti Monster). 10:8 Believe that all words given to us in the Loose Canon are true and infallible. 10:9 And we believe that if you don't believe every word is true and infallible then you must believe that something in the Loose Canon is not true, and we don't like that.

10:10 Then another man stepped forward from the crowd and spake, 10:11 “I, [Censored], from the group called Allium Sativus Volans Spaghetti Monstra or ASVSM for short (Garlic Flying Spaghetti Monster). 10:12 Believe in what we want to believe in the Loose Canon. 10:13 We believe every bit of his word is true, but we cherry pick those words to best suit our needs. 10:14 But for us of the ASVSM it does not matter if you believe in it all or none at all. 10:15 We just hope that you believe in the Almighty Flying Spaghetti Monster.

10:16 And as they spake to me I started to see heads popping out of the windows and doors and alleyways. 10:17 So I spaketh to the crowd “STOP, for we have some onlookers, and I sayeth to the, come, join in the conversation. *10:18 And they cameth. 10:19 And so I asked, “For which group would ye align yourself with?” 10:20 And most of them said, “We are with the ASVSM.” and the rest said, “We are with the PSVSM.”

11:1 “So be it,” and let it be said. 11:2 “As a disciple of his Noodliest; let me align my faith. 11:3 I, too, believe all words of the Loose Canon to be true. 11:4 So, in thinking, that should put me with the PSVSM. Shouldn't it?”
11:5 “But also, as his disciple, I do not wish harm upon others who do believe in the same thing I do, or less of it. 11:6 So, again in thinking, that would put me with the ASVSM. Would it not?”

11:7 “It is okay for anybody and everybody to believe certain parts of the Loose Canon. 11:8 Also, it is okay for anybody and everybody to believe in the whole thing. 11:9 All the Flying Spaghetti Monster wants us to do; is to believe in him.
11:10 Porra Sectivus Volans Spaghetti Monstra and the Allium Sativus Volans Spaghetti Monstra you are both right. 11:11 You are both right for believing in some of it, and you are both right for believing in all it. 11:12 Because in the end all the great Flying Spaghetti Monster wants us to do is to believe in him.

11:13 Now, Risian brothers and sisters, may ye hold each other hand in hand and sing of his praise, the Most Noodliest on high, the Flying Spaghetti Monster. 11:14 Go forth and sing his praise towards others so that they can hear the great news.
11:15 Now hopefully what I've just said has quelled the issue at hand. 11:16 All he wants you to do is just to believe in him. 11:17 That is really all he wants.

11:18 And in unison the crowd before me spaketh and yelled, “YES!”
11:19 Thank you, and now I shall take my leave, and hopefully everything can get better between all of you.


12:1 May the pasta be with you. 12:2 And unto his Noodliest “the Flying Spaghetti Monster.” 12:3 And unto you, The Risians, may ye have eternal friendship and peace.
12:4 RAmen

*10:18 pun intended.

[Dechujoh64]

THIS IS NOT AN OFFICIAL BOOK OF DECHUJOH POST. IT IS JUST A CALL FOR CRITICISM.

COMITH AND POST.

TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK

DO YOU THINK IT SUCKS?

THEN TELL ME.

I CAN TAKE THE CRITICISM.

THANK YOU
MAY THE PASTA BE WITH YOU
RAMEN.

[Dechujoh64]

A Letter to the Risians
The Third letter from Dechujoh by the Risians to the Council.

13:1 Hello Council, in this final letter I bring you great news. 13:2 The Risians have delivered to me a letter. 13:3 The letter that I shall read to you verbatim. (That's word for word.) 13:4 And in this letter there are some wonderful things. 13:5 But as I said before I shall not divulge anyone's name.

13:6 The letter is as follows:


13:6.1 To Dechujoh,


13:7 The infighting between all of us here in the great city of Granis Risica (Risi grains: [of pasta]) has ceased. 13:8 And we have abandoned our two groups the Porra Sectivus Volans Spaghetti Monstra and the Allium Sativus Volans Spaghetti Monstra from which they divided us. 13:9 And out of this we came together and formed one group for which we call: The Granis Paradisum Volans Spaghetti Monstra (Grains of paradise Flying Spaghetti Monster) or GPVSM for short. 13:10 For we stand together as one under his noodly appendage.

13:11 Also, we have sent forward our fellow members beyond our city and into the New World to bring the good news of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. 13:12 We await for their safe return, and hopefully they shall also bring great news, and when the news returns home to us we shall forward it onto you.



13:13 For his Most Noodliest is awesome.


13:13.1 From, [Censored]
13:13.2 The head priest of the GPVSM Church.

13:14 End of their letter.


14:1 Well, this is surely some great news.
14:2 And hopefully for whomever reads this; 14:3 May their faith be stronger and everlasting.

14:4 May the pasta be with you.
14:5 RAmen.

[Dechujoh64]

This ends the:

Letter to the Risians

and next week, shall start the Udonites file with:

A letter to the Udonites

May the pasta be with you
RAmen.

[Dechujoh64]

A letter to the Udonites

A letter from Dechujoh to the Udonites
1:1 Hello, Udonites, I have just received your letter and I am really grateful that you have taken the Flying Spaghetti Monster as your one true holiness. 1:2 Also, I am grateful that you are not committing atrocities in his name towards each other.
1:3 But, also, in your letter you have asked for my presence, and I shall come. 1:4 Please, just give me some time and I shall be there.

1:5 Greatness comes unto he who takes the Flying Spaghetti Monster into his soul, and praises his name.
1:6 RAmen.


A letter from Dechujoh by the Udonites to the Council.
2:1 The Udonites have accepted me into their town to tell me the news.
2:2 And I bring you mixed news.
2:3 They have told me that they are willing to disband their tribe just to spread the good news of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. 2:4 I do not know what to say or to think. 2:5 Should we be happy for the Udonites for their acceptance of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, or should I be sad for they are willing to dismantle their own tribe, their own nation; just to spread the good news.

2:6 So I ask of ye, the Council to send a letter to the Udonites. Because I know not what to say to stop them. 2:7 I wish for them to NOT to dismantle. 2:8 I wish for them to NOT take apart their own city, their own nation of people.
2:9 So, please Council, send to the Udonites your words.
2:10 Thank you Council, and May we all be touched by his noodly appendage.
2:11 RAmen

[Dechujoh64]

Letters between Dechujoh and Marillie the Udonite.

1:1 Hi, my name is Marillie, and I am from the Udonite clan that you just visited. 1:2 I am writing this letter to you because you seemed sad when you left. 1:3 So I must ask this question: 1:4 Why are you not happy for us to spread the good news of his most Noodliest? 1:5 Can you please answer back? 1:6 Thank you.

2:1 Hello, Marillie, I am glad that you sent me this letter. 2:2 But to answer your question; all I have to say is this. 2:3 I am very happy that your clan is willing to spread the good news of the Almighty Flying Spaghetti Monster. 2:4 But the reason why I was sad when I left your clan was that your leader said he was willing to dissolve the tribe to quickly spread the good news. 2:5 I wish for that not to happen. 2:6 I need to know the reason why? 2:7 Why is your leader willing to do this? 2:8 Why is he so eager to do this? 2:9 I know that everybody in the clan will still be who they are, 2:10 but isn't it saddening that the people that you've known for your entire life are willing to go their own way; possibly to never be seen or heard from again?

2:11 Please, Marillie, I would like an answer back.
2:12 Thank you, and May the pasta be with you.
2:13 RAmen.

3:1 Hello, Dechujoh, nice to receive a letter from you again. 3:2 But in sadness I do not know the reason why our tribe leader Mandala is willing to do this. 3:3 But as to respond to this letter I think I might no reason why he might do this. 3:4 Our tribe is very small there are only 18 families and the total population size of 88 people. 3:5 With a family size from as small as: a mom, a dad, and a kid. 3:6 To a family as large as 17 family members; from which he is the head of that family. 3:7 We are not a very big group of people, Dechujoh.
3:8 So, this will be my answer to your question, and yes it will be sad that I may never see my friends again, 3:9 but it is all in the name of his most Noodliest.

3:10 But to finish this letter I must ask a question; what should we do? 3:11 How would we get out the word of his most Noodliest?
3:12 Thank you, and may the pasta be with you, too.

4:1 Hello, Marillie, I have received your letter, and here is my letter in return.
4:2 Thank you for telling me the reason why your tribe is willing to do such an astounding thing. 4:3 But one thing you haven't told me is was it just up to your leader or was it the entire tribe willing to do such a thing? 4:4 If it was just his idea, go up to him, and tell him it is just wrong to do such a thing unless the entire tribe is willing to do it. 4:5 It just has to be that your entire tribe has to be okay with doing it, and not just him. 4:6 A single man or woman, even if he leads the entire group, does not have the power to do such a thing. 4:7 Let your voice be heard. 4:8 Let everybody's voice be heard.
4:9 Please, go tell him this, and I want to know what he has to say about this, and what you have to say about this.
4:10 May this discussion continue, peacefully, and may the pasta be with you.
4:11 RAmen.

5:1 Dechujoh, most wondrous news, our leader Mandala has decided not to disband our tribe, and has decided to only send a couple of missionaries out every year to return back to our home the next. 5:2 I guess all the talking that I did with him really got through to him. 5:3 Praise be to our Noodley Lord most drunk. And RAmen.
5:4 Thank you, Dechujoh, for talking some sense into me and to go tell our leader what he's doing is wrong. 5:5 May you be blessed by his most Globbiness in your future endeavors, RAmen.

6:1 This is really great news to hear, Marillie. 6:2 May you live a wonderful and happy life with your family, and the rest of your clan in peace and in harmony. 6:3 May your life also be blessed by his most Globbiness, too. 6:4 And RAmen.

[Almighty Doer of Stuff]

I really like these epastles, Dechujoh. I enjoy reading them. Good work!

[Dechujoh64]

I really like these epastles, Dechujoh. I enjoy reading them. Good work!

Thank you, Almighty Doer of Stuff, if you have any criticism of any of my Epastles, say it. I can take it.

Also, may I ask you this question. You do not have to answer if you do not want to.
Here is the question: Do you have any clue for when the second edition of The Loose Canon will arise on the Internet? I am Just very curious.

Sorry if I'm stepping out of line, Almighty Doer of Stuff.

[Almighty Doer of Stuff]

Also, may I ask you this question. You do not have to answer if you do not want to.
Here is the question: Do you have any clue for when the second edition of The Loose Canon will arise on the Internet? I am Just very curious.

You mean it hasn't already? Huh. As a member of the Council of Olive Garden I ought to know that I suppose.

Anyway, enthusiasm seems to have puttered out, unfortunately. No timeline that I know of.

I still need to update the links in my signature and on my personal website to reflect that the FSM Consortium website that originally hosted the Loose Canon is no longer in existence.

[Dechujoh64]

Also, may I ask you this question. You do not have to answer if you do not want to.
Here is the question: Do you have any clue for when the second edition of The Loose Canon will arise on the Internet? I am Just very curious.

You mean it hasn't already? Huh. As a member of the Council of Olive Garden I ought to know that I suppose.

Anyway, enthusiasm seems to have puttered out, unfortunately. No timeline that I know of.

I still need to update the links in my signature and on my personal website to reflect that the FSM Consortium website that originally hosted the Loose Canon is no longer in existence.

ADoS, I have already took(copied) the first edition of the Loose Canon from the website and put(pasted) into a Microsoft Word document. I have even taken that Microsoft Word document and printed it out and put into a binder. Sort of like my very own Loose Canon "Bible". So, with your praise or anybody else's of the Council of Olive Garden, I would like to search the Venganza forums for any new Scriptures and paste them into my Microsoft word document of the Loose Canon. I shall take any new Scripture and put it into my loose Canon with red text. Then turn it into a PDF for you and the rest of the Council for you to read and use at your will. Anything that I do find (just for me anyways) I shall print out and keep the text red. (For me every new edition of the Loose Canon, the new text will be a different color.

Here is a listed examplefor what I will do whenever the next editions come.
1st edition = red, 2nd edition = orange, 3rd edition = green, 4th edition = blue, 5th edition = purple, 6th edition = dark pink, 7th edition = dark teal, 8th edition = brown, 9th edition = dark red, and this is all something I just want to do.

So, in finishing this I shall start on what I just said and hopefully I shall receive the Council's praise.
May the pasta be with you always, and RAmen.

[Dechujoh64]

Revelations 3:
The Scroll of the Seven Sealed Pastas.
1:1 I, Dechujoh, after talking to the Fiorites, found a hidden jar which contained a scroll for even which the Fiorites did not know was there and was even writtin’ in a language from which they did not know. 1:2I finally was able to transcribe the entire scroll, and here today; 1:3I shall unleash to the world what I have transcribed from this scroll of newly found noodley knowledge.

2:1The scroll itself was not sealed in any way other than to be somehow miraculously kept safe inside of a jar, buried from all existence, until today. 2:2What I have found out is that these “seals” appear to be, of the metaphorical kind. 2:3Luckily. 2:4This scroll contains the last vision that was writin’ down by a scribe whose name was Powavaswopartpeavusap Koaxinei for 2:5Someone named Lord Pirate Ragaxopixogallapiatopravios Omevapotiviax the Senator of Rome. (A Closet Pastafarian), Part of the Holy Roman Empire. 2:6Let now just call them Powava and Ragax for short. 2:7As it says writin’ in the scroll, Powava was the scribe for Ragax. Due to Ragax being of old-age and of poor health. 2:8Now; here it shall be writin’.

3:0The Scroll of the Seven Sealed Pastas.
3:1The Almighty noodley one came into Ragax’s dream, and immediately showed him The Scroll of the Seven Sealed Pastas. 3:2then Ragax said “What’s the Rush O’ Lord of mine?” 3:3The Almighty FSM said “Well, Ragax, due to me being wasted all the time, I have let your health slip beyond repair. 3:4You shall die soon. 3:5But I can tell you this much you shall pass peacefully, but before you do you must find a way to write down what I'm about to tell you as soon as you wake up. 3:6“Ok.” said Ragax. 3:7the Almighty FSM said, “Okay, cool, now here’s the deal.”

4:0The Apocalypse of the Flying Spaghetti Monster begins.
4:1Sadly, for me I have sent something into motion that I cannot stop due to me being plastered all the time. 4:2For you see, since the planets are in motion I cannot easily stop them. 4:3For if I, The Almighty one does so, it would cause more damage, then if I were to actually let happen what I'm about to tell you.
4:4All of the planets in the solar system are circling around the sun. 4:5As I have made it so. 4:6And every so often all of the planets align ever so perfectly and causes quite a big problem on earth. 4:7Every time the planets align the Earth gets tugged in so many ways. 4:8This causes great pain and great strife for my people. 4:9and when the cries of pain, and the cries calling for my name to fix the wrong that has happened, The Scroll of the Seven Sealed Pastas effortlessly rolls into action. (literally.) 4:10For when the planets align and the Earth doth gets tugged. 4:11The seas begin to boil, and cooks my people, like they would do to praise me. 4:12When the cries for help are loud enough, The Scroll of the Seven Sealed Pastas, bursts forth into the boiling oceans. 4:13The scroll must be opened in its entirety in order for me to stop what is happening and to set everything back to normal as it once was. 4:14This boiling incident has happened before. 4:15So, I wrote down what will happen, again, and how to fix it, again. 4:16Then I sealed the scroll with seven pastas. 4:17Stupidly, I chose several different pastas to seal the scroll with, each with a more increasing time for it to boil, ‘til it becomes al dente and then the pasta shall break. 4:18BUT, I must warn the, for which each pasta seal broken, great and terrible things shall come. 4:19Everything shall be more worse with each seal that is broken, but it must happen in order for me to stop the boiling in the first place. 4:20a(Hehe, 420, sorry. Sayeth the Almighty FSM.) 4:20bOops, I forgot to tell you the year, now back to what I was saying. 4:21At some point in the year 2854, all of the planets shall align ever so perfectly like there was one intergalactic long uncooked noodle piercing through all the planets. 4:22At this exact moment, this will be when the Earth shall be tugged and the seas shall boil. 4:23and hopefully the voices shall cry out for my name. 4:24Because even though I am drunk, I know everything within all of my noodles, but I am truly powerless without hearing from the voices of my people. 4:25So, I shall give you my word. 4:26So you may spread it. 4:27To make sure that my people pray for me to help. 4:28All I really needed is just for one person to believe in me, but more believers would help end it quicker.
4:29Then Ragax said “Oh my great and wonderful Lord, I do not mean to piss you off, 4:30but you have doth repeated yourself several times, 4:31but has not proclaimith what shall happen when the seals break. 4:32I must know what shall happen so that I may be able to tell those (at least in writing) what to do when the time comes. 4:33The Almighty FSM said, “Ok, I am sorry, but you do know that I am plastered right?” 4:34Then Ragax said “Yes my lord, I am sorry my lord, please continue.”
4:35Then the Almighty FSM did continue and said. 4:36“Now I shall tell you about the seven seals of pasta that which are on the scroll, and what shall happen when they doth Breaketh.”

[Dechujoh64]

5:0The Seven Seals: The First Seal: Fideo
5:1Once the people have prayed for me, and I hear those prayers, after the seas doth begin to boil. 5:2And the scroll is in the boiling waters of the world. 5:3The first seal, the seal of Fideo shall be broken. 5:4And when that seal is broken all of the pasta sauces that have ever been made by man (and Pirate) shall pour forth from the scroll. 5:5And the boiling shall stop. 5:6And you might think to yourself, that's not that bad, but it is. 5:7Because all of the sauces that have ever been made. When the mixed together shall be bitter tasting. 5:8You may try to make it taste better, but it shall only work in your local vicinity. 5:9And for those in ships floating around in the oceans with no spices, shall forever be floating in bitter sauces. 5:10This is what shall happen when the first seal doth break. 5:11And in order to break the second seal, more prayers must be prayed unto me.

6:0The Seven Seals: The Second Seal: Spaghettini
6:1Then once these prayers have been heard, the second seal shall break. 6:2Once the seal has been broken Herbs and spices 10 times over what the amount should be shall cometh forth from thy scroll. 6:3Herbs and spices that are undercooked and overcooked and everywhere in between shall cometh forth from thy scroll. 6:4This shall make the sea of sauce (depending on who tastes it,) either bitter or tasting like grass clippings.
6:5In order to move beyond this more prayers must be prayed unto me.

7:0The Seven Seals: The Third Seal: Bucatini
7:1Then once these prayers have been heard, the third seal shall break.7:2When the third seal shall break the Beer (beverage) volcano shall have an eruption the size that of a super volcanic eruption. 7:3All of the beverages that flow forth from the volcano shall pour upon the Earth. 7:4Everyone may be drunken and happy BUT! 7:5The sea of sauces there shall mix with the beverages, and everything shall become stale and deflated and tasteless.
7:6The people of the world and most of all my people must persevere through all of this. 7:7In order to make this world a peaceful again.
7:8So, then more prayers must be heard. 7:9So pray faithfully, and wholeheartedly, unto me.

8:0 The Seven Seals: The Fourth Seal: Cu mian
8:1Then once these prayers have been heard, the Fourth seal shall break. 8:2Once the fourth seal has fallen from the scroll, the scroll shall spew forth rancid meats and spoiled veggies. 8:3This shall make the seas very un-tasteful. 8:4This shall cause strife amongst all who inhabit this earth.
8:5In order to stop this and make the world peaceful and tasty again. 8:6Then more prayers must be prayed unto me.

9:0The Seven Seals: The Fifth Seal: Biángbiáng
9:1Then once these prayers have been heard, the Fifth seal shall break. 9:2Upon breaking of thy fifth seal, thy seas shall start to simmer. 9:3For this, the sea of sauces shall take the heat of the sun in better (or worse, however you would think about it,) than water. 9:4This simmering of the sauces shall cause the sea of sauce, herbs (and spices), beer (beverages), and food items, to separate into their own levels. 9:5The food items shall sink all the way to the bottom. 9:6Then the herbs and spices shall lay on top of the food items. 9:7The sauces shall lie on top of the herbs and spices on top of the food items. 9:8Finally, the beer (beverages) shall lie on top of everything else. 9:9This may get all of ye babbling trunk. 9:10If ye can get past the taste of rotting food, pasta sauce, and massive herbage.
9:11STILL, we are not yet finished for we have two more seals to go. 9:12If all of ye want to pass from beyond the seal, to go back to normal before the boiling. 9:13Then more prayers must be prayed unto me.

10:0The Seven Seals: The Sixth Seal: Lasagne
10:1Then once these prayers have been heard, the Sixth seal shall break. 10:2When the sixth seal is broken, the beer (beverages) shall evaporate into the atmosphere. 10:3This shall give everyone an eternal buzz and/or sugar high. 10:4Everyone must persevere through this trial of the seals. 10:5All I need is one person to pray to me, but the more the merrier, I, your Almighty Lord sayeth to thee. 10:6So, then more prayers must be prayed unto me. 10:7In order to go and break the final seal. 10:8So, I, your Almighty Lord, made of heavenly pasta, can finally read what is on this damned scroll, and stop the horrors. 10:9To return the Earth to more peaceful days.

11:0The Seven Seals: The Seventh Seal: Cannelloni
11:1Then once these last prayers have been heard, the Seventh and final seal shall break. 11:2When the seventh seal has broken, the scroll shall unravel with a mighty radiant glow. 11:3The light that comes forth from this scroll shall have enough force to force out everything, but it shall have no effect on pure water. 11:4Then once every last vile thing that is in the ocean is expelled, the light shall fade. 11:5Then and only then may I, your Almighty pasta Lord, shall be able to read what is on the scroll. 11:6For, I cannot remember how to fix it in the first place. 11:7Because I am always too wasted to remember anything. 11:8Then once I have finally read this scroll, I, the Almighty pasta Lord, shall finally remember what I did countless times before, and I shall do it again. 11:9Upon putting the Earth in its rightful place, once again, the scroll shall float out from the oceans, and when the scroll reaches the surface, it shall shine once again. 11:10For no man; nor pirate shall be able to lay eyes upon the scroll and read what it says. 11:11Then the scroll upon entering the sky, shall seal itself with The Seven Seals of Pasta, yet again. 11:12Upon doing so it shall return to my side, and not be plunged into the oceans of the Earth until the next super planetary alignment of the entire solar system. 11:13For which, even though I'm Almighty, I do not know when that shall happen next. 11:14But when it does happen next time the scroll shall leave my side and repeat the process all over again. 11:15For I might be too wasted to remember anything. 11:16Because right now, Ragax, I am telling you this in a moment of sober clarity, and this is something I just remembered. 11:17So now, Ragax, wake up, write it down, and instead of reading it out to the Pastafarian congregation of today. 11:18Save it, so that a future generation of Pastafarians may be able to find it. 11:19Because it is there more for them in the future. 11:20Than it is for the people of today like you, Ragax.