Portsmouth Guaaaaaarrrrrrrrrdian for yer latest news

[Ravi Oli]

Whaaarr be thee soshul pages an' letters to thee Edita? 'As been wintery, wet an' windy down 'ere so bin stayin in port. Oi took thee wench ta thee theater ta see thee new play "Sea Trek - inta Darkness". Thee lads get inta a few foine stouches but theys wear sum funny poncy clothes. Thar shyppes downt looks loike theyd flowt less move as Oi didn't see any sayls. Oi downt know wot contynents they visit coz thars a few native troibes Oi've neva seen! Twas predicktable tale thart wuld 'ave been much betta an' more loively wiv sum 'alf nekkid wenches an' rowdy drinkin scenes. 3/5

[Roy Hunter]

Ye in' -ey shower o' -erly useless !!!

[Ravi Oli]

Cap'n Roy was foined 10 dubloons and 'ad 'is pee-pee smacked wiv a cold spoon for hunsolysitted pinchin thee bums of Madame Fifi's girls. Wen arsked 'ow 'e pleaded, 'e 'ad sayd "Oi pleads insanity Milord... Oi'm crazy abowt 'em!"

[Nef Yoo BlackBeard]

Deer Erdifter,

Yer curry-spoon-dent misr Gravy Olly dint go ter sea o fillum abowt sea truck - thee owlee mowvie ee witchin wurr this wun



Fank ye, ye welkum.

Dreedit pyrit capn Nef Yoo Bluckbeer (aij 3)

[Roy Hunter]

PIECES O NINE'S CABIN BUOY 'UNABLE TO PAY' TAILOR'S BILL!!
Shock horror revelations about penury aboard Thee Mad Moggie.

Flynn acknowledged his debt in a letter to the agency, saying:

"If you would care to wait about a week longer I will be able to pay your account in full. The only reason it has not been settled previously is inability, not disinclination.

"Yours etc, Errol Flynn."

[pieces o'nine]

In a prepared statement to thee press, Cap'n pieces o'nine's spokesfeline, Dom "thee Danger" Catte announced:

"Cap'n pieces o'nine and Mr Flynn, whilst remaining close friends, have pursued entirely separate business ventures since Mr. Flynn left thee Mad Moggies Revenge to become an hacktor.

"No questions.

"Thank you."

[Ravi Oli]

Aye tis well nown 'ow thee scowndrel tutched soft spot in yer 'eart an' otha places. Ye culdn't 'ide 'im b'neath yer skirts fereva.

[black bart]

Arrr good ol Flynnn...he really knew owe ta get outta payin his bar tab.

[pieces o'nine]

Arrrgh, oi lernt from thee beste...

[Griffin]

Be this still a noospaper? Or 'as it bin bawt by Murdoch? I h'only ask as the articles bin not wot we is used ter.

[Ravi Oli]

Paid Hadverteyesment

HERE YE!! HERE YE!! HERE YE!!
A Contest hinspyred an' ta be judg'd by thee Sultree Siren o'thee Seven Seize, nun otha than druppy-drawers 'erself, Cap'n pieces o'nine,to makes a despickible new minion fer yerself an' one fer thee Roight Disthhhpickible Black Barrrt.

Oi fownd a mowld for one 'ere:
http://minionslovebananas.com/minion-maker/

...but yer welcum to foind yer own sauce.
Yer downt needs to know what yer doin'... Oi used thee GIMP to nok up theez:



...an' tawt meself a few new curses inta thee bargen figurin' it owt. So lads lettuce see wot yez got... karnt be too 'ard ta match thee professhunal [corf corf] figer'ead he's currantly sportin'.

[Griffin]

Surprise Win !!

H'in a h'unexpekted result, Ms Elsie Businessboots won the Pirate's H'Apprentice, comprising 250,000 dubloons ter start up a business sellin' cabin boys. No female 'as h'ever wun befoor so this be wun ter wotch.

[Roy Hunter]

In a statement, Cap'n 'Sir' Alan Molasses said:

It were a tough competition, neck and neck I tell ye, but in the end I had to go with the glamourous blonde one with thee nice hooters, arr...

Sir Alan Sugar is old enough to be Leah Totton's grandfather. Dirty old bugger.

[Nef Yoo BlackBeard]

wots hooters mean, unco woy?

[Roy Hunter]

wots hooters mean, unco woy?

It's a type of owl, you little shit.

SEEIN' I SKWIRRILS THREATEN PORTSMOUTH WITH BUBONIC PLAGUE!!?!
It was revealed this morning that skwirrils are carrying bubonic plague, and actually it is not just down to Nef Yoo's diaper. Cap'n Pieces was unavailable for comment. Black Bart is 103.