Humor in the written word ..

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black bart
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Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby black bart » Sun Jun 23, 2013 9:46 am

PKMKII wrote:
Craig Ferguson wrote:The last thing we want is a Glaswegian with nukes. "Dih yew look ah me? Dih yew look ah me!? GET TEH NEWKS!!! GET TEH NEWKS!!!"


:shocked: :shocked:

Tis too late...they build our nukes up in Scotland!
The smoke wafted gently in the breeze across the poop deck and all seemed right in the world.

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black bart
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Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby black bart » Wed Jun 26, 2013 7:24 am

^Don't believe a word of that...the ginger haired buggers are going for independence and they HAVE NOT FORGOTTEN WILLIUM WALLACE!!!!

A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?"

He said: "Call for backup."
The smoke wafted gently in the breeze across the poop deck and all seemed right in the world.

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AFTERGLOW
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Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby AFTERGLOW » Mon Jul 08, 2013 1:13 am

Dating Ads for Seniors found in a Florida Newspaper

These are actual ads seen in ''The Villages'' Florida newspaper.
-----------------------------------

FOXY LADY : Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80's, slim,
5'4' (used to be 5'6'). Searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing
companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.

LONG-TERM COMMITMENT : Recent widow who has just buried fourth
husband, Looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness,
Fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.

SERENITY NOW : I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean,
yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take
our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.

WINNING SMILE : Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a
dedicated flosser To share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.

BEATLES OR STONES ? I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my
Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar. If you were a
groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my
eight-track tapes.

MEMORIES : I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you
can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.

And my personal favorite.......

MINT CONDITION: Male, 1932 model, high mileage, good condition,
some hair. Many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in
running condition, but walks well.
Ahoy, me Hardies!

Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrg..

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Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby AFTERGLOW » Fri Jul 12, 2013 12:53 pm

Why Ethel changed motels

Last week, Ethel checked into a motel on her 70th birthday and she was a bit
lonely. She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone
books for escorts and sensual massages."

She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling
himself Tender Tony - a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo.

He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long
powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a sixpence off his well oiled bum....
She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call.
Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?

Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy! Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in,
"Hi, I hear you give a great massage. I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks.
We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and
whipped cream, anything and everything, I'm ready!! Now how does that sound?"

He said,

"That sounds absolutely fantastic, but first you need to press 9 for an outside line."
Ahoy, me Hardies!

Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrg..

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Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby AFTERGLOW » Mon Jul 15, 2013 4:20 pm

The Right Reverend Doctor Billy Sol Hargus of the Gooey Death and Discount House of Worship said: At the end of my days I would like to have screwed myself into a coma and go to meet my maker with a big ‘ol shit eatin’ grin on my face. ~ Don Imus … (Paraphrased)
Ahoy, me Hardies!

Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrg..

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Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby AFTERGLOW » Mon Jul 15, 2013 4:22 pm

“I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so.

I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, ‘No, this is my first time.’

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.

‘Just a minute,’ she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. ‘Do these excite you?’ She asked.

Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it... on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk.

‘Well, come on’, she said, ‘We don’t have much time.’ So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOWWWWWWWW, I was done within a few moments.

She looked at me with a bit of a frown. ‘Did you put that condom on?’ she asked.

I said, ‘I sure did,’ and held up my thumb to show her. And she fainted.................
Ahoy, me Hardies!

Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrg..

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Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby AFTERGLOW » Fri Jul 19, 2013 5:13 pm

Rush Limbaugh claims he is now allowed to say the N-word. After hearing this, Paula Deen said, “Let me know how that works out for you.” – Conan
Ahoy, me Hardies!

Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrg..

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Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby AFTERGLOW » Fri Jul 19, 2013 5:16 pm

FYI: Republicans aren’t trying repealing all of Obamacare today, so they’re only repealing it for the 37.23th time. – LOLGOP
Ahoy, me Hardies!

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Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby AFTERGLOW » Fri Jul 19, 2013 5:23 pm

Six employees at L.A.’s Cedars-Sinai hospital have been fired for snooping through Kim Kardashian’s medical records. Kim was upset. She said it was an invasion of her privacy, and all three of her cameramen agreed. – Jimmy Fallon
Ahoy, me Hardies!

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Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby ET, the Extra Terrestrial » Sun Jul 21, 2013 2:15 am

A police officer pulls over Heisenberg's car, and asks him, "Do you know how fast you were going?"
Heisenberg angrily replies, "No, but now I'm lost! Thanks a lot!"
"Mit der Dummheit kämpfen Götter selbst vergebens."
("Against stupidity, the gods themselves contend in vain.")
-- Friedrich Schiller (1759–1805)
Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.
-- Philip K Dick

What happens when all the renewable energy runs out?
-- Victoria Ayling

English isn't much of a language for swearing. When I studied Ancient Greek I was delighted to discover a single word - Rhaphanidosthai - which translates roughly as "Be thou thrust up the fundament with a radish for adultery."

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Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby Rev. Rowan Redbeard » Sun Jul 21, 2013 12:35 pm

ET, the Extra Terrestrial wrote:A police officer pulls over Heisenberg's car, and asks him, "Do you know how fast you were going?"
Heisenberg angrily replies, "No, but now I'm lost! Thanks a lot!"


:lol: :lol: :lol:
—Captain the Reverend Lord C.S. Rowan, Lord of Glencoe, Minister of Pastafarianism, Gentleman Pirate

By reading this post, you agree that you are solely responsible for your reaction to it.
The poster takes no responsibility for any offense taken where none was meant. Except in cases of accidental microaggressions, in which case please explain it, so that we may better understand.

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Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby AFTERGLOW » Mon Jul 29, 2013 4:35 pm

OLDIE BUT GOODIE...

A man in rural Minnesota wakes up one morning to find a bear on his
roof so he looks in the yellow pages, and sure enough, there's an
ad for "Up North Bear Removers." He calls the number, and the bear
remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.

The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a
ladder, a baseball bat, a 12-gauge shotgun, and a mean old pit
bulldog.

"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks.

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to
go up there, and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat.
When the bear falls off the roof, the pit bull is trained to grab his
testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for
me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

He then hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog.
Ahoy, me Hardies!

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Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby AFTERGLOW » Mon Jul 29, 2013 4:36 pm

Another oldie...

An 80-year-old Italian goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, 'how do you stay in such great physical condition?'


I'm Italian and I am a golfer,' says the old guy, 'and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. I have a glass of vino, and all is well.'

“'Well' says the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be m ore to it. How old was your Father when he died?'

'Who said my Father's dead?'

The doctor is amazed. 'You mean you're 80 years old and your Father's still alive. How old is he?'

'He's 100 years old,' says the Old Italian golfer. 'In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had a little vino and that's why he's still alive. He's Italian and he's a golfer, too.'

'Well,' the doctor says, 'that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your Father's Father? How old was he when he died?'

'Who said myNono'sdead?'

Stunned, the doctor asks, 'you mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?'

'He's 118 years old,' says the old Italian golfer.

The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, 'So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?'

'No, Nono couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today.'

At this point the doctor is close to losing it. 'Getting married!! Why would a 118 year- old guy want to get married?'

'Who said he wanted to?'
Ahoy, me Hardies!

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Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby AFTERGLOW » Wed Jul 31, 2013 7:23 pm

An Italian Honeymoon !!!

After returning from his honeymoon with his bride Virgina, Luigi stopped by his old barbershop in
Jersey to say hello to his friends.

Giovanni said, "Hey Luigi, how wasa da treep down to Florida?"

Luigi, "Everyting wasa perfecto except for da train ride down."

"Whata you mean, Luigi?" asked Giovanni.

"Well, we boarda da train at Grana Central Station. My beautiful Virginia , she packa big basket a food. ...

She brought da vino, some nice cigars for me, and we were lookina forward to da trip, and open upa da luncha basket. The conductore come aby, waga his finger at us anda say, 'No eat indisa car. Musta use a dining car..' So, me and my beautiful Virginia, we go to da dining car, eat a biga lunch and starta at open da bottle of a nice a vino!

Conductore walka by again, waga his finger and say, 'No drinka in disa car! Musta use a cluba car.' So, we go to cluba car. While a drinkina da vino, I starta to lighta my biga cigar. The conductore, he waga 'is finger again and say, 'No a smokina disa car. Musta go to a smokina car ..'

So we go to a smokina car and I smoke a my biga cigar. Then my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to our sleeper car anda go to bed. We just about to go boombada boombada .... and the conductore, he walka through da hallway shouting at a top of his a voice..

'Nofolk Virginia ! Nofolk Virginia!'

"Nexta time, I'ma just gonna taka da bus...."
Ahoy, me Hardies!

Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrg..

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Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby AFTERGLOW » Wed Jul 31, 2013 7:26 pm

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral attended by fellow physicians, family members, friends, etc.

A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the
eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral ...I'm a gynecologist."

That's when the proctologist fainted.
Ahoy, me Hardies!

Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrg..


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