Humor in the written word ..

This board is NOT restricted access. Keep that in mind when you post.

Moderator: Other Stuff Mods

User avatar
black bart
Resident Weevil
Posts: 24540
Joined: Wed Sep 21, 2005 6:56 am
Location: London

Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby black bart » Thu Aug 01, 2013 6:55 am

A man goes to the vet about his dog's fleas. The vet says: 'I'm sorry, I'll have to put this dog down.' The man is incredulous and asks why. The vet says: 'Because he's far too heavy.'
The smoke wafted gently in the breeze across the poop deck and all seemed right in the world.

User avatar
AFTERGLOW
Commander of Cartoons
Posts: 3294
Joined: Fri Dec 09, 2005 4:25 pm
Location: HERE!

Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby AFTERGLOW » Sun Aug 04, 2013 4:51 pm

This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator. What is the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself?
A Beretta Jetfire testimonial:
Here is her story:
While out walking along the edge of a bayou just below Houma, Louisiana with my soon to be ex-husband discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator suddenly emerging from the murky water and charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive. If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire .25 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today! Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took. The gator got him easily and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. It's one of the best pistols in my collection! Plus ... the amount I saved in lawyer's fees was more than worth the purchase price of the gun.
Ahoy, me Hardies!

Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrg..

User avatar
AFTERGLOW
Commander of Cartoons
Posts: 3294
Joined: Fri Dec 09, 2005 4:25 pm
Location: HERE!

Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby AFTERGLOW » Thu Aug 15, 2013 2:07 am

An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight jacket and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked,
Are you a real pilot?

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans... flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: >
"Are you a real pilot?"

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'
Ahoy, me Hardies!

Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrg..

User avatar
black bart
Resident Weevil
Posts: 24540
Joined: Wed Sep 21, 2005 6:56 am
Location: London

Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby black bart » Thu Aug 15, 2013 10:27 am

^
^^ :lol:

The first rule of Thesaurus Club is you don't talk about, mention, speak of, discuss or chat about Thesaurus Club.
The smoke wafted gently in the breeze across the poop deck and all seemed right in the world.

User avatar
black bart
Resident Weevil
Posts: 24540
Joined: Wed Sep 21, 2005 6:56 am
Location: London

Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby black bart » Fri Aug 23, 2013 5:35 pm

I heard that Cadbury are thinking about bringing out an Oriental Chocolate bar...

But it's probably just a Chinese Wisper.
The smoke wafted gently in the breeze across the poop deck and all seemed right in the world.

User avatar
black bart
Resident Weevil
Posts: 24540
Joined: Wed Sep 21, 2005 6:56 am
Location: London

Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby black bart » Wed Aug 28, 2013 11:28 am

Mother Superior was taking a bath. There's a knock on the door.
She says, "Who is it?"
A male voice responds, "The blind man."
After a few moments of deliberation the nun says, "Come in."
The man enters and says, "Nice tits, Mrs Nun. Where do you want me to hang the blind?"
The smoke wafted gently in the breeze across the poop deck and all seemed right in the world.

User avatar
PKMKII
Senior New York Correspondent
Posts: 9629
Joined: Wed Jan 14, 2009 6:13 pm
Location: Where the Sun don't shine

Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby PKMKII » Fri Sep 13, 2013 8:40 pm

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing.

He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green.

He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears,

'Ribbit 9 Iron.'

The man looks around and doesn't see anyone.

Again, he hears, 'Ribbit 9 Iron.'

He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron.

Boom!

He hits it 10 inches from the cup.

He is shocked.

He says to the frog,

'Wow that's amazing..

You must be a lucky frog, eh?'

The frog replies,

'Ribbit Lucky frog.'

The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.

'What do you think frog?'

The man asks.

'Ribbit 3 wood.'

The guy takes out a 3 wood and,

Boom! Hole in one...

The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say.

By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog,

'OK where to next?'

The frog replies,

'Ribbit Las Vegas ..'

They go to Las Vegas and the guy says,

'OK frog, now What?'

The frog says, 'Ribbit Roulette.'

Upon approaching the roulette table,

The man asks,

'What do you think I should bet?'

The frog replies,

'Ribbit $3000, black 6.'

Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck.

Boom!

Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.

The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the Hotel.

He sits the frog down and says,

'Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful.'

The frog replies,

'Ribbit KissMe.'

He figures why not,

Since after all the frog did for Him,

He deserves it...

'With a kiss, the frog turned into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl,

And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room.'
"How is it that hardly any major religion has looked at science and concluded, 'This is better than we thought! The Universe is much bigger than our prophets said, grander, more subtle, more elegant. God must be even greater than we dreamed'? Instead they say, 'No, no, no! My god is a little god, and I want him to stay that way.'" - Carl Sagan

"To doubt everything or to believe everything are two equally convenient solutions; both dispense with the necessity of reflection." - Henri Poincaré

User avatar
Rev. Rowan Redbeard
Prophet of Pastafarianism
Posts: 16633
Joined: Thu Jul 26, 2007 10:49 am

Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby Rev. Rowan Redbeard » Mon Sep 16, 2013 10:32 pm

A man wakes up one morning to find that he's turned invisible.

Rather than reveling in his ability to sneak into women's locker rooms undetected, he's frightened and calls his doctor's office to make an appointment.

"Please, I need to make an appointment with the doctor! I've turned invisible!" he says.

"I'm sorry," replies the receptionist, "I'm afraid the doctor can't see you right now."
—Captain the Reverend Lord C.S. Rowan, Lord of Glencoe, Minister of Pastafarianism, Gentleman Pirate

By reading this post, you agree that you are solely responsible for your reaction to it.
The poster takes no responsibility for any offense taken where none was meant. Except in cases of accidental microaggressions, in which case please explain it, so that we may better understand.

User avatar
pieces o'nine
Look Upon Her Works, Ye Migyt, and Despair!
Posts: 8074
Joined: Fri Dec 21, 2007 9:21 am
Location: Ocean o'Sand
Contact:

Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby pieces o'nine » Mon Sep 16, 2013 10:38 pm

^ At least he won't have to worry about whether insurance will 'cover' him...


f/x: baDUMching
I will honor Monkey in my heart, and try to keep it all the year.
~Charles "Darwin" Dickens

User avatar
AFTERGLOW
Commander of Cartoons
Posts: 3294
Joined: Fri Dec 09, 2005 4:25 pm
Location: HERE!

Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby AFTERGLOW » Thu Sep 19, 2013 12:23 am

Top Star Wars Lines That Sound Dirty, But Aren’t

Not mine (actually I have added a few myself), but still makes me laugh

"Luke, at that speed do you think you'll be able to pull out in time?"

"Put that thing away before you get us all killed."

"You've got something jammed in here real good."

"Aren't you a little short for a Storm Trooper?"

"I can't, it's too big"

"You came in that thing? You're braver than I thought."

"Look at the size of that thing!"

"Ouch! Pay attention to what you're doing!"

"She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts, kid."

"Size matters not. Judge me by my size, do you?"

"Would it helped if I got out and pushed?
It might."

"This baby's got a few surprises left in her, sweetheart."

"Hurry up, golden-rod..."

"I don't like this.
Well, what would you like?"

"You didn't see us alone in the south passage."

"The approach will not be easy. You are required to maneuver straight down this trench and skim the surface to this point. It's a small thermal exhaust port, right below the main port."

"The shaft leads directly to the reactor system. A precise hit will start a chain reaction"

"Hey, point that thing someplace else."

"you don't have to do this to impress me"

"I look forward to completing your training. In time you will call me master."

"I never knew I had it in me."

"Grab me, Chewie. I'm slipping -- hold on. Grab it, almost... you almost got it. Gently now, all right, easy, easy, hold me Chewie."

"Just a few more seconds, just a few more seconds....
It's away!
It's a hit! -Negative. Negative! It didn't go in. It just impacted on the surface."

"Stabilize your rear deflectors"
"She's gonna blow!"

"I think you'll fit in nicely."

"Control, control! You must learn control!"

"I hope you know what you're doing. Yeah, me too."

"Rise, my friend."

"I thought that hairy beast would be the end of me."

“Get in there you big furry oaf, I don't care WHAT you smell!”

“ You're all clear, kid. Now let's blow this thing and go home!”

“And I thought they smelled bad on the outside!”

“It’s possible he came in through the south entrance.”

“I must've hit it pretty close to the mark to get her all riled up like that, huh kid?”

“That's OK, I like to keep it on manual control for a while.”

“There's an awful lot of moisture in here.”

"There is good in him, I've felt it."

"Hey, Luke, thanks for coming after me -- now I owe you one."

"Back door, huh? Good idea!"

"Hand me those binders there, would you? Ok, now... I'm going to put these on you..." ARGH"
Ahoy, me Hardies!

Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrg..

User avatar
ET, the Extra Terrestrial
Privvy Counselor
Posts: 7078
Joined: Thu Jan 24, 2008 5:01 am
Location: In the woods, watching

Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby ET, the Extra Terrestrial » Thu Sep 19, 2013 1:21 am

A polar bear walks into a bar.

The bartender comes over and asks, "what'll you have?"

The polar bear says, "I'll have ................................. a beer."

The bartender asks, "what's with the big pause?"

The polar bear says, "I dunno, I was born with them."
"Mit der Dummheit kämpfen Götter selbst vergebens."
("Against stupidity, the gods themselves contend in vain.")
-- Friedrich Schiller (1759–1805)
Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.
-- Philip K Dick

What happens when all the renewable energy runs out?
-- Victoria Ayling

English isn't much of a language for swearing. When I studied Ancient Greek I was delighted to discover a single word - Rhaphanidosthai - which translates roughly as "Be thou thrust up the fundament with a radish for adultery."

User avatar
TwistedSister
Desperate, twisted cookie pusher
Posts: 8549
Joined: Wed Feb 18, 2009 12:27 pm
Location: N.E PA

Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby TwistedSister » Thu Sep 19, 2013 11:08 am

:facepalm:
* If evolution is just a theory, religion is just an opinion.
* You never know when I'll be watching.

User avatar
black bart
Resident Weevil
Posts: 24540
Joined: Wed Sep 21, 2005 6:56 am
Location: London

Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby black bart » Thu Oct 03, 2013 11:05 am

:facepalm:
The smoke wafted gently in the breeze across the poop deck and all seemed right in the world.

User avatar
Rev. Rowan Redbeard
Prophet of Pastafarianism
Posts: 16633
Joined: Thu Jul 26, 2007 10:49 am

Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby Rev. Rowan Redbeard » Mon Oct 07, 2013 4:42 pm

A Buddhist monk approaches a hotdog stand and says “Make me one with everything”.
.
.
.
Image







The vendor makes the hot dog and hands it to the Buddhist monk, who pays with a $20 bill. The vendor puts the bill in the cash box and closes it.

“Excuse me, but where’s my change?” asks the Buddhist monk.

The vendor replied, “Change must come from within.”
.
.
.
Image
—Captain the Reverend Lord C.S. Rowan, Lord of Glencoe, Minister of Pastafarianism, Gentleman Pirate

By reading this post, you agree that you are solely responsible for your reaction to it.
The poster takes no responsibility for any offense taken where none was meant. Except in cases of accidental microaggressions, in which case please explain it, so that we may better understand.

User avatar
AFTERGLOW
Commander of Cartoons
Posts: 3294
Joined: Fri Dec 09, 2005 4:25 pm
Location: HERE!

Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby AFTERGLOW » Sun Oct 13, 2013 3:10 pm

Gender jokes

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.

Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

Any married man should forget his mistakes-there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change & she does.

A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman: before marriage & after.
Ahoy, me Hardies!

Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrg..


Return to “Games, Fun, and Jokes”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 14 guests