Loose Canon Submissions - The Old Pastament

[peacefulsongs]

Do you guys think it would be cool to add something similar to the book of Numbers that provides a history of all of the original Pastafarians such as us? or at least the ones willing to participate?

I think this provided some very strong cement for the Jewish tradition for several generations. The Mormons and the Amish keep these types of records as well. Although some may be too shy to use their real names. If that is the case the Book of Numbers (or other appropriate name) can proclaim the desired anonymity of the participants.

I think it's a good idea myself but then again it's my idea so I should be expected to like it.

juicegiver

I think I read somewhere on these forums that there is a facebook page for our Noodley Lord. Perhaps we can poll some of the participants to see if they claim to be Pastafarians. Facebook isn't as valid as a government ID but it is sort of reliable for identity purposes. We can count many of the followers of His sauciness there.

I don't use facebook anymore because it seemed to suck the life out of me. I hope that somebody would be able to harvest hundreds of names of people claiming to be Pastafarians. Just a thought. What would we call the book?

Number of Noodles?
Book of Numbers?
The Witches Calculator?

There is a lot of creative personalities in here. I'm sure it will have a kick a$$ name before it's all over with.

juicegiver

[Rev. Daniel Scott]

If it is possible, I'd like this piece to be entered into the Loose Canon anonymously should it be admitted. If that isn't possible, for reasons of bookkeeping so that the author can be contacted, perhaps it could be submitted under RDS rather than Rev. Daniel Scott.

Also, while this is sort of Ritualistic, it is written as scripture, and thus I send it here to the Old Pastament.

Covenant of Olive

1 Benoodled, hear thee the words of the covenant between His Noodliness, the Flying Spaghetti Monster and His faithful follower, Olive.
2 Olive looked up unto the Lord Pastaer, and she did speak. And these are the words she spoke:
3 “Your Noodliness, I commit unto thee my supple bosom, and with it, my devotion, for You art saucier than all, the Most Sauced, Noodly Might.”
4 And this pleased His Noodliness. Thus, He bade her to proceed.
5 Olive, bade to proceed, proceeded.
6 “That I, and any after me, may prove our devotion, I offer to You this sign of my faith:
7 Before me are nine flames, one of green, one of red, one of blue, one of violet, one of pink, one of orange, and three of tiers.
8 Green, to burn the greed that plagues the hearts of mine people,
9 Red, for blood is blood is blood is blood, and the blood of mine people is all red and we are the same,
10 Blue, that the mind might be calmed so we do not smite the non-believers, for they shalt not be subjugated for their lack of belief, pursuant to the philosophy of red,
11 Violet, to remind us of Your mystery and that we cannot and will not ever understand all of Your works and doings,
12 Pink, that we may remember You gave women (and some men) the elevated sense of fashion, as was written in the third of eight I'd Really Rather You Didn'ts,
13 Orange, to infuse us with the power and courage to uphold Your holy intents, but also to give us caution that we not take ourselves too seriously nor too far, and
14 Three flames, tiered to embody the Holy Threesome, the noodles, the marinara, and the Parmesan.
15 R'Amen.”
16 And His Noodliness threw a tentacle into the air, sloshing grog about as He did so, and He proclaimed:
17 “I accept yer whatchamathingit, Olive. Be this my cuveenint,
18 Any who light these flames and keep true to their intent shall surely take a place in heaven
19 And shall have the beer volcano and stripper factory I promised.”
20 And thus was the Covenant of Olive made.

[Rev. Daniel Scott]

To Build or Not To Build 1 (commonly mistranslated as the Haggai 1)

1 On the thirty-second day of the thirteenth month, a message was received from the Lord Pastaer.
2 This is what the Lord All-Noodly said, “The people say it is not yet the right time to build the Lord’s Temple. Who am I kidding? I say it is not the time. And I don't feel it ever will be the time.”
3 Again was a message flung down to the people, unceremoniously:
4 “So now that all of you are settled into your beautiful homes, I've been having prayers chucked at me asking for a church.
5 Think about the state of this world, ye midgets.
6 Many seeds have been planted, enough to feed the world, but all are not full. You have something to drink, but many still die of thirst. You have clothes to wear while others have not enough to fight off the bitter cold. You earn money, but it all goes to you. It’s as though the rest of the world is of little importance.”
7 The voice of the Flying Spaghetti Monster boomed across the land: “Think about what you are doing. 8 Go up to the mountains, breathe some fresh air, and take a look around you. I have given you beauty. Why do you need a box of dead trees to pray in?“ This is what His Noodliness said.
9 And His voice was heard, “And don't try to argue. I know what you're going to say. 'But Your Noodliness, everybody else has one! We want one too!' PISH POSH I SAY. If everybody had a flaming pile of dung on their doorsteps, would YOU want one? NO.
10 Lame argument. Come back when you have a better one.”
11 And the People did come back, thinking they had a better one. “Your Most Saucedness, would not a grand cathedral pay tribute to You and all Your Noodliness, and would it not be a sign to the non-believers?”
12 To this, His Noodliness replied: “Yeah. And the Westboro Baptist Church has a church building. What a tribute that is to the Christian god. And what a sign it is to the non-believers. More like a sign of Keep back a minimum distance of 100 yards. I'm not so vain as to need a building solely for myself. Feed the hungry. Shelter the needy. Much better ways of spending that cash, I say.”
13 And the Flying Spaghetti Monster said to the People, “I'm tired of this conversation. Come back to me tomorrow and we can continue it then. Unless I'm too drunk. Then return the following day, and so on until I'm not so much drunk as I am buzzed. You really don't want me to be sober, though... Buzzed is better.”
14 And the People dispersed to be gathered again at a later date.

[Rev. Daniel Scott]

To Build or Not To Build
Chapter Two

1 On the thirtieth day of the second month, the People came again to speak to His Noodliness.
2 “Your Awesometude, how would you have us worship, then, if not in a church?”
3 The Flying Spaghetti Monster responded thus: “I dunno. Worship on your own in a room in your house. Or worship in the park. Or in your car. Or in a pub. Or gather a group of the Faithful and worship with them.
4 Really, guys, I don't care where you worship. I've made my decision. All the money that would go into purchasing a site, building, maintaining, and paying taxes for a house of worship for me would be FAR more useful given to that local soup kitchen (or some other charity).”
5 And seeing that the People had not dissipated after hearing this, He questioned: “Yes? Is there anything else?”
6 The People: “Well, it's just that some religions have specific dates and times of worship. Do we?”
7 His Noodliness responded: “Guys, really? I thought that was obvious. I expect you to all devote every second of your life to worshiping me. Every. Second.
8 Ahhhh! I got you guys, didn't I! Don't even deny it. I saw some of your jaws drop. I don't know... Worship when you feel like it.”
9 “But Your Noodliness, we were kind of hoping for a more precise answer.”
10 Slightly annoyed by this point, His Noodliness absently replied, “Uhhh. Well. Every Friday is a holy day, so I guess you can worship formally on Friday. If you feel it necessary.
11 Now, please, leave me alone. I'm trying to have a drink (or a hundred) in peace.”

[peacefulsongs]

effective August 31, 2013 at 1:00am Eastern Standard time I will stop logging on to this forum from work.

I want to read this stuff at my house.

juicegiver

[Rev. Daniel Scott]

The Book of Narwhal

Chapter One

1 The Flying Spaghetti Monster spoke to the Dove CEO1, maker of chocolates:
2 “Apparently Detroit doesn't like noodles anymore. Go there and inform them of their infraction.”
3 But the Dove CEO tried to escape from the call of His Noodliness. He went not to Detroit, but instead on a cruise to the Bahamas (paid a fair chunk of money too), thinking that the Lord Pastaer wouldn't find him.
4 But His Awesometude wasn't gon' have none of it. He dumped a mighty keg of grog in the sea, making tides rise. Swinging His Noodly Appendages through the air, the winds blew and a great storm came.
5 The midgets on the cruise were all in a bustle. They were used to lives of luxury, and this was certainly not luxurious. They were all scrambling about on their cellphones and what have you, trying to get signal to call the Coast Guard.
6 The cruise captain saw that the Dove CEO was sleeping rather than getting his panties in a bundle and trying to get service. He said:
7 “Wake up! The hell you doing? Getcho fat white be-hind up and call somebody. Maybe your company will send, like, a chopper or something to save us.”
8 And then somehow they all found out the Dove CEO was the reason for the storm. I could make up some excuse like say they threw lots to figure it out, but really it was probably just a load of gossip that happened to turn out to be true.
9 So they accosted the Dove CEO, asking him: “What have you done? What is your job? Where do you come from?”
10 The CEO said to them, “I am American. I worship the Flying Spaghetti Monster, the Most Sauced, who made the mountains and the marinaras.”
11 He told the lynch mob he was running away from the Lord Pastaer. Naturally, they assumed he strangled a baby or something awful like that.
12 The CEO, too self-centered, would never have offered to save the rest of them by giving himself up to the seas. So they all just threw him overboard instead, screaming “BABYKILLER” while they did so.
13 The winds died down and the seas calmed.
14 When the midgets on the cruise saw this, they feared and respected the Flying Spaghetti Monster. Who am I kidding? Most of them still thought Pastafarianism was a loony religion. They are fortunate that His Noodliness is not so vain as to have smitten them down for their ignorance.
15 And the Flying Spaghetti Monster sent a narwhal (it wasn't actually a whale like many believed) to swallow the CEO. He was all up and yucky in the narwhal's stomach for three days and three nights. And don't ask what the narwhal was doing so far away from arctic waters. It just was.

1 The biblical rendition names him Jonah, or in Hebrew, Yonah. Which means Dove. Okay, guys?

[Rev. Daniel Scott]

The Book of Narwhal

Chapter Two

1 While the Dove CEO was in the stomach of the narwhal, he pulled out a deck of playing cards and played solitaire.
2 After the first day or so, this got excruciatingly dull, and thus, he prayed to the Flying Spaghetti Monster.
3 “I was in quite the fix,
and I called to His Noodliness for help,
and he answered me.
4 The cruise people threw me int the sea.
The high tides of these seas crashed down on me.
And I can swim, but staying afloat wasn't very easy.
And I sank.
5 And then I basically started drowning.
Water everywhere.
Here some water.
There some water.
Everywhere some icy water.
6 And I hit rock bottom,
the place where the mountains begin.
But I couldn't see anything. I mean, there wasn't much light.
But You, in Your Noodliness, saved me.
7 Some midgets worship vanities and golden cow statues
but their prayers are not answered.
8 I will give sacrifices to you.
Like, by donating to charity and such.
Because this narwhal belly really smells.
And I've hurled three times already.
10 Then the Lord Pastaer spoke to the narwhal, and it upchucked the Dove CEO out of its stomach onto some dry land.

[Rev. Daniel Scott]

The Book of Narwhal

Chapter Three

1 Then the Lord Pastaer spoke to the CEO again and said,
2 “Go to Detroit, and preach what I tell you to preach.”
3 So the Dove CEO obeyed and went to Detroit. The place was huge. The CEO would have had to walk for three days just to see all the sights.
4 And the CEO went downtown and began telling the people, “In 40 days, Detroit will be destroyed!”
5 People didn't really believe him. Just another nutcase, they assumed. And though the CEO spoke to everybody from the mayor to the stray dogs, only a few homeless midgets heeded his words.
6 The mayor of Detroit heard of the growing followers of the CEO, and he called his secretary into his office. He told his secretary, “Maurice, tell the police to round these wackos up.
7 The mayors office wrote a disclaimer and had it sent through the city:
General APB and Public Awareness Notice:
The men and women pictured here are not to be approached. If you see them, notify the authorities. They are to be arrested on sight.
8 And in due time, the CEO and all who heeded his message were promptly arrested.
9 And the Flying Spaghetti Monster had lost interest in Detroit, forgetting to destroy them because he was too drunk.

[Rev. Daniel Scott]

The Book of Narwhal

Chapter Four

1 The CEO was pretty pissed that His Noodliness would let him be locked up and that He spared the city.
2 He jabbed prayers at His Awesometude saying, “I knew this would happen! I was nice and happy with my oodles of cash, and You told me to get up and come here. And I knew You'd end up forgetting to destroy them, so I decided I'd just go to the Bahamas instead. I knew You'd get drunk.
3 So just kill me now. My reputation is destroyed. This is a PR nightmare for my company. I'd rather die.”
4 Then the Flying Spaghetti Monster said, “You think you have a right to be angry?”
5 The CEO left Detroit and stayed the night at a nearby Super 8.
6 His Noodliness gave the CEO free porn on the TV in the hotel room. Not knowing it was from the Lord Pastaer, the CEO was really enjoying the free porn and was quite happy.
7 The next morning, His Sauciness turned off the free porn.
8 And the CEO, now without porn, remembered what happened in Detroit and wanted to die again.
9 But His Noodliness said, “Do you think it is right for you to be angry now?”
The CEO snapped back, “Hell yes it's right! I am angry enough to die! My reputation is ruined because You got too drunk and forgot to destroy Detroit.”
10 And the Lord Pastaer said, “When I sent you free porn, you forgot all about Detroit. You drank generously from the minibar, and you forgot about your PR fiasco.
11 If you can just forget about something with free porn and some alcohol, then surely I, the LORD OF FRICKING EVERYTHING, can forget to remove a city from the map. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. You own Mars, Incorporated, with more than like, 30 billion dollars in annual sales. Just be happy I didn't leave you in the narwhal. GOOD DAY.”

[Rev. Daniel Scott]

The Book of Couscousum (Biblically, Nahum)

Chapter One

1 This is the book of the vision of Couscousum regarding the fate of Detroit.
2 The Flying Spaghetti Monster gets bored.
When He is bored,
The less than faithful should fear Him.
3 He is most often drunk,
But His brief sober streaks are dangerous!
He will twirl His Noodles Appendages and storm the lands.
4 He will dry the marinara and stale the garlic bread.
5 The Lord Pastaer will fly down,
And the mountains will quake
And the hills turn to valleys.
6 No midget can stand against His wrath.
It will burn like fire.
And the global warmth will increase.
7 His Noodliness is usually too drunk to care.
He was kind enough to promise a beer volcano
And stripper factory in heaven.
8 But if He sobers up, He will completely destroy any who question Him.
He will slap down a noodly appendage.
9 Why, Detroit, are you rejecting pasta?
He doesn't care if you eat it, but don't shun it.
He will destroy you all.
10 One of you Detroiters is plotting against His Awesometude.
11 Behold, what the Flying Spaghetti Monster has said:
12 “Mayor of Detroit,
I will castrate you.
No more icky-sticky shall you have!
13 For my People, I will wipe you clean off the map.
Toodles.”

[Rev. Daniel Scott]

The Book of Couscousum

Chapter Two

1 And essentially, just imagine Detroiters being raped, killed, pillaged, and burned.
2 His Noodliness sent a tide of criminals into the city.
3 He twirled His Appendages and watched the city burn.
4 Street fights, police corruption, yada-yada.
5 You cannot stem the tides of His Noodliness's wrath.
6 They burn for His enjoyment. They burn for His People.
7 What is left of that great city now?
8 The Lord All-Noodly says,
“Detroit, I am against you.
You have rejected mine people.
And thus I reject you.”

Chapter Three

1 The Flying Spaghetti Monster proclaimed:
2 “Detroit. Good luck standing against my noodly might. Your pain will last until I get drunk again and forget about you.”
3 It is unclear how this is to be mistranslated into 19 verses in the biblical counterpart, Nahum, unless chapter two is simply restated again and again and again. Regardless of how it is done, the verses will be much more numerous.

[Rev. Daniel Scott]

The Book of Zozuniah

Chapter One

1 Dude named Zozuniah got a message from the Lord Pastaer.
2 The Flying Spaghetti Monster says, “I will destroy everything on earth.
3 I will consume man and beast; I will consume the fishes of the sea and all the little birdies, basically because I feel like it. But just to give you some reason beyond that, let's say it's because you're all unworthy sinful little midgets,” saith His Awesometude.
4 “Imagine here, if you will, some trumped up reasoning on why you're all naughty. I fabricated a list and checked it twice to make sure every living thing was written as naughty.”
5 Be silent near His Noodliness, because He has a raging hangover. Maybe He will spare you if you don't aggravate Him further.
6 The Lord said, “I'll slap a few appendages down and the earth will be as naught. Bam. Suck it.”
7 He also said, “The universe will hear the sound of your destruction. Those little Martians will point and laugh. I have chosen to spare them.”
8 “To all who say ‘The Lord does nothing but drink. He doesn't even pay attention to what we do.' I will destroy them. I will hold a thousand lanterns over every town and shine light under every rock to assure your destruction.”
9 “I will conjure up a storm. It shall be cloudy with 100% chance of meatballs. The marinara and Alfredo will come in floods upon you.”
10 The Lord Pastaer, Sauced on High, will destroy the world! He will completely obliterate all that we know!

Chapter Two

1 Gather together, ye failures to the Lord, that He might more easily smite you down.
2 Good luck, I say unto you. Good luck.
3 Detroit shall be forsaken, and New York City a desolation: the Lord Pastaer shall drive out London, and Beijing shall be rooted up.
4 Woe unto the inhabitants of the coastal cities! The word of the Lord against you; O China, I will even destroy thee, that there shall be no inhabitant.
5 And the sea coast shall rise and overcome the shores.
6 Munich shall be pulverized for their reproach of the Lord's people.
7 And he will stretch out a tentacle against the north and destroy Santa Clause in the North Pole and will destroy both poles and all the penguins with them.
8 And the animals of the world will all wallow in self-pity. And the birds will stop singing because they know their own doom.
9 Essentially, all is lost.

Chapter Three

1 Fear me, all ye midgets and men. You are maggots to me. Not that maggots are actually bad creatures. I just use the example in matter of size.
2 Maggots are tiny to you and you find them disgusting. You are tiny to me and I find you disgusting.
3 I told you to remember that you are mountain dust and to mountain dust you shall return. But you have forgotten that you are mountain dust! For shame!
4 I say boo to you! Boo to you all. Be thou sufficiently embarrassed.
5 Mumble and grumble. Shmergabergleboo.
6 All of this rampaging has made me thirsty.
7 And the Great Flying Spaghetti Monster drank barrel upon barrel of the finest beers, and in His renewed drunkenness, lost interest in smiting the earth.
8 And from the brink of destruction, we escaped by the ozone on our atmosphere's back.

[strozzascotte]

Hi, dear Masters of the Council of the Olive Garden.

I just want let you know that a few days ago I found a short ancient manuscript that I'm trying to transcript in collaboration with Medusa Maro. It is nothing less than "The Second Book of Penelope: The Rule of the Colander".
The paper is deteriorated and some words are lost. But we hope to finish the transcription in time for the deadline of the 30th of september.

May your bread always be covered with garlic butter.

Cap'n Pizzocchero.

[strozzascotte]

The Second Book of Penelope
The Rule of the Colander

* As transcribed by Medusa Maro and Cap’n Pizzocchero

Chapter I
1 Three times the Sun went up to brighten the sky and three times came out the stars in the darkest night. 2 And yet Penelope remained tucked away in the Stripper Factory, 3 supposedly looking at the collection of etchings of the cute guy, 4 and hidden from the eyes of her people. 5 It so happened, that at dawn on the fourth day, the Pastafarians gathered spontaneously in front of the Factory, 6 some still sleepy, others eating breakfast, 7 and most still trying to recover from the drunkenness of the preceding days.
8 It was past eleven when the Factory doors opened 9 and, taking long steps, Penelope came out into the open. 10She was wrapped in a bed sheet of the whitest colour, 11and the morning breeze caressed her long black tresses, making them undulate in a noodly fashion. 12 Her face had an expression of peace and well-being, 13and her lips smiled softly. 14Her eyes, on the other hand, had deep, dark circles.
15Penelope got up on a bench in the middle of the square, across the Factory, and with a firm voice she addressed her people. 16 “Brothers and sisters, I come bearing a message of great joy!” she exclaimed. 17“I have seen the way of the Great Noodly Appendage! 18 I have also been touched!” 19Upon hearing these words, the Pastafarians who watched her were greatly rejoiced 20 and started talking amongst themselves, and screaming with joy, 22and they danced together and embraced and kissed each other.

Chapter II
1 The following day, Penelope organized a great spaghetti feast, and everyone was invited. 2 The beer from the Volcano was cold and flowed generously. 3 The pasta was cooked al dente, the meat sauce was delicious, and slivers of parmesan cheese fell upon everyone’s plate. 4 No one’s mouth remained without drink. 5 No one’s belly remained unfilled.
6 When all had drunk and eaten, Penelope resumed her talk. 7 “I have been thinking long and hard about the injustices that afflict the world because of the foolish and the unbelievers”, she said with a serious demeanour. 8 “From today on, I promise I will live my life in a new way, according to a Rule that I have imposed upon myself, and that I shall now dictate to you. 9 The Flying Spaghetti Monster shall be my witness and only in front of Him shall answer for my actions.” 10 There was great silence, broken only by a woman with curly and rebellious hair, who shyly asked “Shall we take notes?” 11 Another man, who wore an eye patch, asked: “Could you give us the PowerPoint file later, please?” 12 A child in the back, raising his hand, asked “May I go to the restroom?” 13 And so, everyone took a twenty-minute break, and meanwhile the female strippers served hot coffee, and the male strippers served cupcakes.
14 After the coffee break, Penelope restarted her speech and dictated the Rule that is transcribed next.

The Rule of the Holy Colander
1 The Flying Spaghetti Monster teaches us that the Universe is nothing but a mere whim of His. 2 As such, even if we have been touched by Its Noodly Appendage and we recognize Its Tasty Truth, 3 all other religions and all other fairy tales should be regarded as equally valid by the eyes of men. 4 No one who believes a different tale, or believes in none, shall be discriminated against. 5 From today onwards, I will devote myself to ensuring that they are all respected and treated the same, 6 independently of their beliefs, or of whether they refuse to believe in any gods 7 and choose to be guided solely by reason and science.
8 The Colander is Holy, because it reminds us that the Flying Spaghetti Monster boiled for us and for our sins. 9 Furthermore, the Colander, when used as headgeaer, is a symbol of the protection that the FSM grants our brains 10 against the prejudice and stubbornness of the foolish and the bigoted. 11 Its holes remind us that our minds shall remain open, 12 and they help keep ideas fresh when it is hot outside. 13 The Colander is the throne from which the Flying Spaghetti Monster rules. 14 The FSM is in our heads, and our heads are in the Colander, 15 since our brains shall reign supreme over our actions.
16 I shall proudly carry the Holy Colander over my head 17 every time I have to speak out against religious discrimination, 18 or against any intolerance and injustice caused by religion. 19 I shall wear the Colander when I show up to Government and Public Administration facilities 20 if these apply unequal or discriminatory rules towards those who follow religions other than the predominant ones 21 or to those who believe in none; 22 if they grant favors, offer privileges, make exceptions, 23 or promote laws or policies that are based in a particular religious creed 24 and as a result disfavor those who believe in another or who have none.